Last night, having cocktails at Hotel du Cap on terrace, an Oceans 13 dinner was going on next door at Eden Roc without Brad and Angelina who were at The Might Heart gala. But George Clooney, Don Cheadle, Matt Damon with Luciana, Andy Garcia, the super rich producers I’m too hung over to name… all of them present, and all of them spilled over back to the du Cap bar just after midnight. Things start late in Cannes.

Was headed to the loo when I spotted Daniel Craig first. Wearing a tux and shorter than I remembered. Saw him at Oscars, from that distance he had some height. But at this distance, like literally half a metre away, not so much. But still…Bond looks quivering in a tux. And very fair. Almost grey though distinguished and a lot of stubble. Girlfriend hovering, hovering all night, almost always by his side.

Just behind Daniel, Andy Garcia in another group laughing, chatting, then making his way over to chat with Bai Ling who was talking up some rich dudes I didn’t recognise and not flashing her nipple. I couldn’t believe it.

But the marquee arrival – all of a sudden George Clooney appears, holding hands with a very tan, very leggy, very tall generic blonde. He leads her to the corner of the terrace which just happens to be right next to us followed by his bodyguards and more powerful producers and proceeds to hold court there for the next hour and half. I could hear his voice in the background the entire evening.

George? SO beautiful. Like… SO beautiful. Tanned naturally, light striped button-down shirt with khakis and very, very thin. Dylan called it scrawny. But again…unbelievably handsome in an Old Hollywood way. Had his hair combed and parted to the side. Now that I think about it actually, he and Brad had the same ‘do last night. Little grown up boy. QUIVER!!!

The blonde was definitely an accessory. Picture him leaning against the terrace, back to the ocean, she kept one arm draped around him, once in a while he would stroke it, once in a while they’d have a private whisper, then he’d go back to his boy’s club conversation with the men and she’d stand there smiling vacantly…can you see it?

She had a friend with her. An attractive brunette who appeared to be assigned to any man not George. High end sleaze, that’s what I call it. But that’s how they roll, the rich and famous especially in Cannes. Besides, as shameful as this sounds, as degrading as this sounds, I would have traded places with her in a second. Seriously, George Clooney is so f&cking hot, he has just flown up to the top of the Freebie Five. Will update it when I can walk a straight line.

Needless to say, everyone wanted a piece of George’s fraternity. At one point, Angelina’s assistant Holly came down to shake a few hands. We thought they were en route, especially since that bodyguard – you know that dude who throttled some pappy in India? – he came down to do a sweep, to check out if the situation was safe for the Pitts.

Unfortunately, there were way too many people for his liking. Either that or they were too tired and went back to their kids. Because they didn’t show…which was kind of a relief. I don’t think I could have maintained my cool…

Besides, we had enough to keep us occupied.

Particularly Daniel Craig in jeans. He changed clothing. Tux was gone replaced by plain white tee shirt and jeans and EVERYTHING was bulging. Arms were bulging, abs were defined, quads were popping out… I was sitting next to a gay man, he could barely control himself. Nor could I.

Daniel and girl made their way over to pay respects to George. At one point, while squeezing past, he touched my back to slide my chair over.

They were drinking Grey Goose straight – Daniel pouring into glasses, passing all around. Like I said, it had a very fraternity feel to it, everyone was in great spirits, a lot of laughing. George has a great laugh. And everyone thinks what he says is funny. It’s kind of nauseating in that private member’s club kind of way, you know what I mean?

And then he left. Hand in hand with the girl and a bodyguard, down the steps into what I can only describe as the palm tree garden, joking all the while with his minder and hand always tucked into hers. But my smutty sense was tingling. Just a feeling. That he’s one of those guys who prefers no hassle, no drama…like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. She was Julia Roberts, you get where I’m going? That’s exactly what I think it was. I think.