People watch me eat like it’s something grotesque. I can pack away the food. When we were in Barbados, I would clean off my producer Heather’s dinners every night. And our friend Tiffany’s. After my own meal. Portion Control is an expression I would gladly take a sh-t on. So...

Here’s David Beckham, again with a new Facebook photo, this time a bowl of risotto he claims he cooked, and this caption:

A little something I made earlier.....a home-made Risotto for the family.

Here we go...

As IF he actually made the risotto himself.

As IF he actually stood there, stirring that sh-t for half an hour instead of watching his wife try on all her skinny clothes again upstairs in the bedroom.

As IF he has time to stir risotto when she needs him with her, trying to convince her she’s not fat.

As IF he has time to stir risotto when she keeps wanting to practise posing for their first post-Harper appearance together. I love risotto, but goddamn if it isn’t a pain in the ass because you have to watch it constantly.


Does the family include his wife? Because –

As IF she eats risotto!!!

Risotto is RICH, and if it isn’t rich it’s not proper risotto. And if it’s not proper risotto, if it’s some kind of low fat, airy fairy risotto, don’t f-cking post it on Facebook like it’s something to be admired. That is beneath risotto. Real risotto would be ashamed of low fat risotto.

Anyway, back to the Portion Control issue. My friend Lorella who has two Italian kitchens in her very Italian house and will war you any time over food and who also happens to be waiting on a call from Jeopardy just eyeballed this bowl and called it 4 servings. Which... Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz, David. Fine. They all eat like lightweights. I’m telling you, if his housekeeper were cooking for me, he/she would have had to double that recipe.