The theme was honouring Poiret – the 20s are back, metallic is in full rage. Some did it well, others threw up all over themselves. But as suggested by my producer the lovely Lara, I’d be remiss if I didn’t describe what we’ve now dubbed Anatomy of a Red Carpet. Because seeing the photos is one thing, but watching how they achieve the photos is more fascinating that you can imagine.

First of all, they all wear more makeup than you think they do. Thick. Like the kind of foundation that sits like a milky mist on top of the skin. Exceptions? Cate Blanchett of course. Julianne Moore, of course. And Gisele Bundchen, that bitch. And Mischa Barton. And surprisingly Kate Bosworth.

Next – the models can pose their asses off. They are indeed freaks of nature. Skinny everywhere except their asses – asses so perfect and juicy and plump you understand why they are held up as genetic marvels. But you see one model, you’ve pretty much seen them all. The first one who arrived was some amazon called Valentina. Half an hour later I saw 25 of her clones, each one with the same vapid expression, empty eyes, the most hauntingly beautiful faces, with the kind of floating gait that lights up a catwalk….couldn’t tell them apart.

But while models can pose naturally, celebrities work at it…HARD. And I mean hard. You can tell they’ve practised. Their chins jut out unnaturally to eliminate any possibility of the double, every muscle, every bone, every angle is cocked just so – rigid and stiff and sometimes even painful. Makes you appreciate the effort that goes into being famous. It’s a physical effort – hours and hours of practise just to strike the perfect pose. Best example: Renee Zellweger. Stone and statue – freaked me out. Exception? Cate Blanchett, of course. And Scarlett Johansson. And Jessica Simpson, not in a good way. That girl is just a disaster – tits and limbs moving in every direction, Jessica doesn’t pose… she only thrusts, like she can’t stand on a carpet without simulating sex.

But in addition to the primping and the posing and in some cases, blatant snubbing, there was also much intrigue. Cameron Diaz and Scarlett Johansson. Granted it’s a huge ballroom with 750 guests but still…definitely some space negotiation on that front. And Scarlett and Lindsay Lohan too. Remember – Lilo once allegedly scrawled on a bathroom stall: “Scarlett is a bloody c**t” and girl to girl, that sh-t is never forgotten. Don’t forget the two Jennifers… Lopez and Garner. Garner showed up without Ben but she did arrive on the arm of Valentino…who also has had close ties in the past to JLo. Smutty tingle?

Smutty wrinkle? How about wrinkled and wretched? As in wrinkled and wretched Rachel Zoe who elicited more than a few giggles and gasps – if you can believe it, live and up close… prune just doesn’t being to describe it.

Still…it wasn’t all catty. Cameron Diaz and Gisele Bundchen were like long lost sisters, hugging each other affectionately and posing as though they genuinely enjoyed each other’s company.

And finally… in case you ever wondered about Donatella Versace. About whether or not the horror is any less so in the flesh, perhaps you thought she just isn’t photogenic? Perhaps you thought that to the naked eye, there would be a slight improvement?

Yeah well if you did, you thought wrong.

Donatella Versace is seriously disturbing, so disturbing there’s a twitch that starts up at the base of your neck and doesn’t stop until your head is bent to one side, unable to cope under what has to be the motherload of aesthetic displeasure - so orange and so burnt you can almost smell her. In other words an attack on all the senses, you think it can’t get any worse….

And along comes Jessica Simpson.

Read on… unique details re: each celebrity to follow.