A Career Built on Ass

Lainey Posted by Lainey at March 29, 2007 12:00:00 March 29, 2007 12:00:00

They should start teaching this at acting workshops from now on.

How a nobody makes the jump from tv to movies:
1. go the gym A LOT. Do not work out INSIDE the gym. Always remember to stretch OUTSIDE all the time. Invite pappies
2. throw ball for dog at the beach… often. Invite pappies
3. walk dog in tight pants…often. Invite pappies
4. flirt with Justin Timberlake. Tell pappies and tabloids.
5. no auditions necessary

Because let’s face it – what has Jessica Biel done for you lately?And other than her bottom, which is fantastic and very, very shelf-like, what makes Jessica Biel worthy???

But never underestimate the power of an Ass Strategy. That ass is paying back large.

Saw a trailer the other day for a new Nicolas Cage feature. Can’t remember the name – he makes the same movie over and over again anyway. Things blow up, he’s very agitated and confused, his hair is crazy all over the place, he will likely save the day. And of course, there’s a damsel in distress. Which could be anyway, really. And this time it’s Jessica Biel. The pretty, worried face, his raison d’etre.

But curiously enough, Julianne Moore is in it too (she must want to buy a new house). And as we all know, Julianne Moore is almost always excellent. So the contrast between a first class actress, totally underrated, like Julianne and a third class actress, totally overrated, like Jessica was, to say the least, extremely pronounced.

And then again – there’s that ass.

The ass that’s on display in Adam Sandler’s latest I Pronounce You Chuck & Larry.

Surprise! Jessica Biel strips down and shows her ass!!!

Are you shocked? Can you believe it?

Who the f&ck needs talent when you have a tight ass?


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