Apologies for the crass - we talked about comparing sh-t to diarrhea the other day in relation to Paris Hilton…and I suppose the best analogy of that would be Denise Richards to Paris Hilton. Denise sh-t, Paris diarrhea. Both shameless famewhores with many things in common…although I suppose, if you really want to get technical, Paris has never had to work for a Hollywood Madame. Allegedly of course.

So here’s Denise in the pages of the new Hello Magazine, trying to repair her image and, of course, using her girls to get the job done. Look how the hair cascades just so down her shoulder. Look at the intimate access – magazine photographers allowed inside her house, inside her bedroom!!! And my favourite – Denise sitting on the kitchen counter HOLDING AN ICE CREAM CONE!

One word:


Another word: delusional!

As I’ve previously reported, Page Six is referring to published suggestions that Denise routinely “arranges” photo opps with the pappies, conveniently when she’s mothering her children. Denise, as you would expect, is denying this, insisting to Glamour that "paparazzi were climbing over the fence to try to get shots of me inside my house (when I split from Charlie Sheen). I had to hire a security guard to live with me and I kept the shades down at all times. It was awful.”

Climbing over her fence? So now she’s Angelina Jolie?

It’s Denise Richards, gossips. Would the pappies risk being charged for trespassing for Denise Richards? Who the hell cares about Denise Richards?

Reese Witherspoon, maybe. Reese Witherspoon pics will and always do fetch a boatload of cash. But Denise Richards??? B-List at Best Denise Richards? Eye roll…please.

As for how she handled herself throughout the divorce ordeal, Denise says: "Women would come up to me on the street all the time and say, "I admire you for conducting yourself so graciously." A year later when I was dating Richie [Sambora], I was on the cover of every tabloid again. Suddenly the world hated me. I was called a husband-stealer and a back-stabber in the press."

I’m a woman…many of you are women. Would you approach Denise Richards and compliment her for gracious behaviour? Me? Yeah, I’d go up to her. And I’d ask her if Heidi Fleiss offered dental benefits because Denise really does have such great teeth and then I’d tell her that she should stop attacking old ladies with laptops.

In regards to being a husband-stealer and a backstabber, though she acknowledges that she and Heather Locklear were friends and are friends no longer, she keeps insisting that she and Richie did nothing wrong. She says that when she and Richie hooked up, both of their marriages had already dissolved and at the time, she hadn’t spoken to Heather for a few months anyway…which in her mind must mean it’s ok.

Girl to girl y’all…is it EVER ok?

Men who were once married to our girls automatically become androgynous. They’re like Mango, like Tom Cruise, they may as well be a relative – in other words: OFF LIMITS. It’s like cheating, you know? It doesn’t just happen. You don’t just run into each other and exchange a few pleasantries: Oh hi Richie, how are you these days…yes, yes, I love it when you put it in my mouth – all in the space of 5 minutes.

sh-t, maybe it works that way for Denise Richards but usually it takes a little longer. Usually there is a point of turning back. Usually there’s an opportunity to say No to coffee, No to a walk in the park, No to a romantic dinner up in the mountains.

But then again, homewreckers always have an excuse. And homewreckers will always prop up their babies to make the hate go away.