Dwayne The Rock Johnson’s body isn’t what attracts me to him. That kind of brawn has never been my thing. What I like about The Rock is his sense of humour. He knows what you think of him. He doesn’t pretend to be anything else. Also, he adorably announced to the world this weekend that he’s Hufflepuff, coming to terms with his magical identity. And, well, if you know Hogwarts, you know that Hufflepuffs have a complicated relationship with being sorted Hufflepuff. (Hi Duana!) That The Rock has come out loud and big on badger pride is a big deal. Hufflepuffs have been working on their self-confidence for a long time.

As you know, Dwayne is currently working on the Baywatch movie with Zac Efron. Zac Efron is now, officially, a Meatball. His swollen muscles and bulging veins have supposedly added to his sex appeal. Not for me. What’s the added value on Zac Efron? With The Rock, you get all that personality. What’s the side dish served along with Meatball Zac’s pecs? If you say talent and charisma, I’m gonna have to ask you to back that up. Because he can’t carry his own movie. He’s best used, maybe, MAYBE, when people like Seth Rogen and The Rock want to work with him. In those roles though, could he be anyone? Does it HAVE to be him? I don’t know, officially, what Hogwarts house Zac has been sorted into but I suspect he’s Slytherin marauding as Gryffindor. I am Slytherin. We can be fraudulent that way.

I wonder then about Seth Rogen’s costume last night as he presented with Zac at the MTV Movie Awards. (PS Zac presented twice, by the way. Like he’s that f-cking special.) The joke was that Seth was being surrounded by funny beefcakes so it was time for him to ‘roid up to keep up. And the whole time I’m thinking, yeah, what about the meatball standing beside you?