Desperate Ebola in Cannes

Lainey Posted by Lainey at May 21, 2009 12:33:22 May 21, 2009 12:33:22

The Croisette has been contaminated this week by Ebola Paris Hilton and that loser it’s been dragging around as its boyfriend. We’ve managed to avoid infection thus far, have not run into them at any parties. Fingers crossed. Should probably stay away from VIP Room tonight though. It’s Christian Audigier’s birthday celebration for starters, and on top of all the euro Ed Hardy wearing douchebags, adding that f-cking virus to the scene is bound to result in major disease.

As for that story I was teasing about…

I’m sorry to make you wait. To write this I need at least 30 minutes straight laptop time. Had to crank out the Brange and Emile Hirsch/Pattinson articles first, then wrap a few things up this afternoon so haven’t had a chance to do so til now. Why am I telling you this? Sorry. I digress.

You’ll love it though, I promise…

Here’s what’s being passed around – in a good way:

On Monday night, Paul Allen had a party on his yacht. Super exclusive, tight guest list. Am told that Ebola had been trying to get itself an invitation for days. And they kept telling her to f-ck off. It gets better.

To get onto the yacht, shuttle boats departed from the pier every 15 minutes or so. Ebola decided to show up at the dock anyway. They shut it down again. Told it to jump up its own ass. They would not allow it on that boat.

Still undeterred, Ebola supposedly decided to RENT ITS OWN BOAT. But that wasn’t enough. It had to rent its own shuttle boat, take that boat to another luxury liner, hop onto that luxury liner, and then have that luxury liner pull up to the Paul Allen boat in disguise. And at that point, they could do nothing to stop it from coming on board.

Do you f-cking love it?

It gets better.

Ebola had been frequenting that luxury liner early on in her stay.

The Croisette is buzzing though that it was asked not to come back. Because of that nasty little problem it has in the toilets.

I’ve written before about its habit of going to clubs, using the staff loo, and getting sick all over it, leaving it a biohazard, right? A trail of vomit is Ebola’s calling card. Alcohol + bulimia = nasty puke.

Rumour has it the captain of that luxury boat spoke to it about leaving the staff facilities in such disarray. It denied the accusations, and not only that, allegedly blamed the “dirty Mexican” for doing it instead. Never been a secret that Ebola is a racist f-ck.

So how did it get on the Inglourious Basterds carpet?

By forcing its way on. They don’t want to start a scene and it knows this. But it was kept far, far, far away from the primaries. And it was not getting into that afterparty either. Please.

With Brad Pitt’s people meticulously combing through the guest list? No chance.

But I would love one day to see the Jolie kick its ass. And the Jolie totally would.

Photos from

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