How is doe-eyed sugar cheese rape mysterious? Mystery is about curiosity. But the Rossum… I don’t want to know it and I don’t want to smell it.


Emmy Rossum insists she’s all about the mystery. Like there are layers around her that we should unravel. What’s to expose? Underneath the saccharine exterior is a saccharine core. Oh f-ck off.

But she won’t. She’s promoting some movie. And she’s dating Adam Duritz. Sick.

Apparently we’re supposed to care that they met on Twitter. Don’t.

So Rossum was on the radio today and was asked about her boyfriend. She’s a lady so she doesn’t discuss that business. After repeated attempts by the interviewer to bring the subject back to her relationship, positing that theirs is a strange pairing, Rossum then offered:

"I'm much more mysterious than you know."

That’s right. Drive those fingers down your throat and bring up the sticky rice wrapped in lotus leaf you had for lunch. I just kicked the garbage can half way across the studio floor.

Let’s play Would You Rather Rossum, the ultimate test of sh-t vs diarrhea.

Would you rather:

Be friends with the “mysterious” Rossum…


Take a full lap around Yankee stadium, packed to the rafters, totally naked, with your privates unmanicured?

Choose wisely.

Photos from Anthony Dixon/