There was an article that appeared on Gawker today: Which Actresses Do You Irrationally Hate? (How much do you love that Jessica Biel appears under the headline?)

The thing with me is – I don’t irrationally hate anyone. All my Hating is Rational. Hating is one of my most accomplished activities. I am very, very, VERY good at Hating. I could totally compete in and WIN a Hate Iron Man. I could design the world’s first post-graduate programme in Hating. If every person on the planet were allowed to have a legacy, my legacy would be Hating.

So, no, there is no such thing as Irrational Hating. I can back my Hate up all day. I could back that sh-t up for years. And when it comes to Hating Emmy Rossum, if someone were willing to pay me to Hate Emmy Rossum and do it exclusively and nothing else, I could fill my entire lifetime with it – Emmy Rossum Hate Essays, Emmy Rossum Hate Tasks, Emmy Rossum Hate Lunges, Emmy Rossum Hate Games (every four years, like the Olympics), Emmy Rossum Hate Recipes. Please. Hating Emmy is busy work. And Hating Emmy would make for a really fun career. I would have it all.

I Hate Emmy Rossum because of:

  • Her face
  • Her music
  • Her goddamn annoying sugar
  • Her Try
  • Her Why

And … most recently…

  • Her JOKING

Rossum is currently promoting the US version of Shameless. ANOTHER REASON TO HATE HER. American Shameless premieres on Showtime and HBO Canada next Monday. She plays Fiona. So there was photo shoot for Esquire (thanks Adriana!) in service of this and she tried to be funny. Or whatever. She Tries. She flings her Trying all over the place in the hopes that something will stick. It never does.

The video is below. If you can stand it.

Here’s a shot from the magazine. Click here if you, for some reason I will never understand, really want to see more of Rossum in Esquire.

And here’s Rossum in Vegas at the Cosmopolitan opening on NYE. I’ll lend you my axe when I’m done with it.

Why don’t we play some Would You Rather Rossum? It’s the game of sh-t vs diarrhoea.

This is for Douglas and everyone else who excels at Hating the sickening sweetness of Emmy Rossum. Remember, Would You Rather Rossum is SUPPOSED to be hard. It has to be the worst possible option because only the worst possible option is EQUAL to having to be friends with it.

Would You Rather:

Be friends with Emmy Rossum?


Read Snooki’s book, all the days of your life, carry it around so everyone can see, and be photographed with it too, so that the picture is sent to everyone who ever knew you in high school and university.

Photos from