Written by Duana

So yesterday I spent trying to find bridesmaid’s dresses for myself and five of my sister’s closest friends. This process – and the ensuing ‘results’ photo, which makes me want to kill myself – has proved that neutrality on what someone is wearing is nearly impossible to come by.

But I am neutral on Eva Longoria’s long, black, fishtail-y dress, as I’m neutral on the woman herself. It’s somewhat appropriate: black, as she’s in mourning for her marriage, and cleavage-y, because that’s what makes her money. But aside from the fact that I think it’s a bit sad that Ms. “Oh yes, I’m a bit sexy and spicy despite now having a somewhat Anglo-Saxon last name” has lost her mojo due to this onslaught, and she should be looking sexier than ever, her face is kind of wrecked. Right?

What IS that? I’ve never worn a successful red lip in my life, and Sasha looks at my attempts at coral and laughs – in fact the only thing that works on me is orange – but still. What is the ‘if I take all the colour from my lips, my lifelessness will draw to me not only the men of the world but the success of those who know I am Serious and I Have Suffered?’ Why can’t she just look cute wearing some pink? Is there some philosophy in makeup artistry that says if the lips are the same colour as the space between the breasts, the neck will appear more symmetrical? Or is it more “oh, if I look wan and pale people will look sorry for me and hire me?” What?

Some people need makeup help, but It’s not like we’re exactly starting from scratch from this woman, and it’s not like her ego overruled the makeup artist. Nobody ever says “I’d like to look somewhat more waxen and dead, please.” So what gives? Final thought – challenged myself to figure out what kind of dress would suit her better than mermaid. Could not come up with. Discuss.

Photos from Wenn.com