I don’t understand why people insist on doing this to me. I try to be open-minded and see a world of possibilities for everyone, not merely limiting my opinions and statements to my preferences because in addition to being pretty dicky, that’s so boring. Woo, differences! They make the world go ‘round! It takes all kinds!

But then we come to Axl Jack Duhamel, and I become one of those people who calls for a scotch and a smoke and a cheese plate. Frustration is ruining my health and youthful complexion.

I note that I got the name wrong, at first. I internalized it as “Axl James”.  Still bad, mind you, but two different names, one totally affected and overbearing on the “x” and devoid of unnecessary vowels, and the other a perfectly reasonable choice for a middle name that the kid could fall back on. Then I find out it’s actually Axl Jack. Nothing wrong with the name Jack in particular, of course, but with Axl? 

We! Are Going To Slam You Over The Head! With This Infant’s Masculinity!!!!!
I heard the stories like everyone else did -- she loves G&R, they were good to her,  etc etc ad nauseum. But, point the first, he will have exactly one person to look at where the name is concerned. When someone is named after someone else – an iconic someone else – so blatantly, the message is super, super clear. “Oh, you want me to be like that guy.” You think Axl D is going to surprise us all and go into naturopathy? Maybe an entomologist? I am seriously doubtful, and I just think it’s not fair. 

The other issue is that 24th letter. Beware, ye casual name fans, we are in a serious period of “x” overuse. It’s always been a bit of a magic letter but people are putting it in where it doesn’t belong – there are a hell of a lot of Jaxons being born these days, along with Maxon (yes, really) and Xavier (the pronunciation of which is another irritant we’ll get into another time) and Felix and ubiquitous Alex, all of which are being tainted by association. Please be really, really careful with your deployment of same. I’m sure someone somewhere has figured out a way to name their kid Xofia, but I don’t want to know about it.

Anyway. Why am I bothering to expect more? These people are the belly cuppers, the ones who admit to buying push presents, the ones who legally change their names to “Fergie”. The flip side of celebrities choosing “ridiculous” names is that they’re supposed to display the celebs greater creativity or willingness to go outside the box – but this is just boilerplate boy-name boring.

Also, I didn’t ask to have Sweet Child O’ Mine in my head all day, but these are the trials I suffer.