The first full trailer for The Hobbit: Nerd Climax was released yesterday and it’s two minutes of dramatic music, clashing armies, loaded stares, and war bats. And that’s not even getting into the best of all gifts given to us by Jackson’s movies, no, not Dragon Batch—STICK ARM. Stick Arm is my favorite character in all of these movies. Look at him.
Stick Arm is a survivor. Forget the five armies, this is The Saga of Stick Arm. And Lord of the Rings is now The Ones Without Stick Arm.
For the last two years we’ve seen interminable Middle Earth dinner parties and the hobbit version of Dude Where’s My Car?, and now it’s time for the big battle that finishes everything off. But these are prequels, so the stakes are kind of gutted from the beginning. We know that Bilbo, Gandalf, Legolas, and the other elves we recognize all survive. The only characters I’m even mildly worried about are invented-solely-for-these-movies Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly), the cute dwarf she’s into, and Luke Evans as Some Guy. The lady elf and the cute dwarf have already been set up as star-crossed lovers, so they’re doomed, and Some Guy is probably f*cked, too, because it seems like characters played by Luke Evans never get a happy ending. But really I only care about Stick Arm. My interest in seeing another one of these bloated Hobbit movies extends only as far as Stick Arm’s stick arm.