The purpose of Vanessa on this show is to be an irritant.
The purpose of Dan on this show is to suck.
Last night’s Gossip Girl featured so much irritating suckage from both Vanessa and Dan, and no irritating suckage from Jenny at all. Taylor Momsen absent from an entire episode. Here she is in New York today, Lindsay Lohan’s protégé, trying to be useful. And competing with her mentor in a no food competition.
On the show though, the “artist” is expendable.
And Scott should be expendable too. Sorry dude but it’s terrible casting. All I think about when I see him is – oh, look, a second rate Taylor Lautner only not as cute and obviously never as famous.
“Thanks God” for Chuck.
My Shamef-ck is getting is serious lighting this season. The skin. The skin! Duana thinks it’s dermabrasion. I’ll be kinder and say maybe Oprah’s soft bulb man? He looks gorgeous. Gross and smarmy, but still gorgeous.
Was very surprised to discover Chace Crawford has armpit hair. Thought he’d be at least 2 years from growth. Chace was shooting exteriors this week with, ugh, Vanessa. That dumb ass hair is back. Great. And Chip too. Or is it Trip? Rich people and their trust fund names. Can never keep it straight.
Michelle is busy producing a major event. So she had to skip this week. It’s only Duana and me…
As always, we appreciate your messages – the love ones and the not so love ones.
Duana:OK, so we're going to college! yay!
Lainey: oh yeah, S is going to Brown. She can't speak but she gets into Brown.
Duana:OK, we got nine hours of previews telling us we're going to university....
Lainey: Dorota! OK. Promising.
Duana: It's time for Blair's lighter hair to go. but hairband!!!
Lainey: Hairband in college? really?
Duana: As if serena packs her own clothes. and remember she's probably going to her dorm...there it is!
Lainey: So i think Blair is wearing a victoria beckham dress...
Duana:Yeah! Public school girls!
Lainey: Leighton looks especially beautiful today. Just admit it. Chuck is a good kisser.
Duana:Oh, I don't think he's a tongue-darter or anything. What are these two? Incestuous? BFFs?
Lainey: I'm sorry...why is Dan Humphrey suddenly Dave Eggers?????????????????????????????????
Duana:Ohhhhh Katie, I'm not feeling you.
Lainey: He has HOBBIt HAIR
Duana:Of course she has a writer's group. It's been two hours of university. Pardon me "College" She has a writer's group MY ASS
Lainey: they totally have a writer's group. And they aspire to be Dave Eggers.
Duana:aww, moving into the dorms. I loved this day on both my behalf and my sister's.
Lainey: hey shortie!
Duana:Ew, scott. V's boy is SOoooo too short for her. Vanessa speaks like a robot.
Lainey: V's new boy is a wannabe Taylor Lautner.
Duana:Scott did not say so much as a word. This was my question after last week! are these two free now that they aren't siblings anymore?
Lainey: Chuck's flaring nostrils and his hands on his hips - it's a Sex & the City audition.
Duana:Dorota!! Gift bags!! You're right, she looks beautiful. What happened to trachtenberg's voice?
Lainey: cigarettes. But she has normal person arms.
Duana:So does leighton. It makes me happy. As if Vanessa is in this room. Eff off.
Lainey: i need to shave V's head. can V be the murder mystery this year?
Duana:I both love and hate blair's dress/suit. Heee, Dorota's day out!
Duana:that's because your voice isn't exciting, serena. she has my computer. Or chuck does?
Lainey: please note chuck's skin. lighting.
Duana:LOOK. AT HIM
Lainey: oh oh ... lip bite.
Duana:He's so beautiful.
Lainey: thank YOU!
Duana:hahahah chuck only makes speakeasies. it's his only thing.
Lainey: what does S know about business?
Duana:these two will be having secret sex in two weeks.
Lainey: he'd fall asleep f-cking her.
Duana:but he likes the idea of he taboo.
Lainey: Let's talk about James Franco enrolling in gay film class. MUCH more interesting. I love how he lives his life.
Duana:wait, say what? thanks, v.
Duana:Thanks for showing up, georgina. Your routine is working wonders.
Duana:Do you remember when you discovered that CliffsNotes were different than ColesNotes?
Lainey: Chace has underarm hair!
Duana:Well...yes, that happens on GROWN MEN, Elaine.
Lainey: He's not grown, Duana.
Duana:Do you find him attractive?
Lainey: Not at all.
Duana:Then he's grown.
Lainey: i resent that. Can't he just be unattractive???
Lainey: did we miss any dialogue?
Duana:OK, teens having a sex romp in an apartment, I can see how that's attractive, but how is it a story?
Lainey: the pinky ring is KILLING me
Duana:He...it's the skin. Chuck. He must have gotten dermabasion.
Duana:Oh serena. your drunktastic misadventures are ....unbelievable.
Duana:mmmm. want sushi
Lainey: come to Vancouver
Duana:I willllll after you come here.
Duana:Oh, I love angry short Chuck.
Duana:I also love that Serena is A) skipping brown, and B) drunk again.
Lainey: and responsible Chuck. And outcast awkward Blair.
Duana:Ohhhhhh I hate Vanessa so much right now.
Lainey: great costume designer re: Blair
Duana:I WANT A WASABI FACIAL RIGHT NOW
Lainey: now that i don't where to find in Vancouver
Duana:Hey, where is little J? Again? Also, how come nobody cares that serena sucks?
Lainey: they're too wrapped up in themselves. Now that is real.
Duana:Please stop whining, Dan.
Duana:They're styling her straight. No loops in the waldorf hair.
Lainey: and it's shorter.
Duana:Trachtenberg looks actually awful next to blair.
Lainey: serena woke up in her onesie and went out like that.
Duana:Next year when I'm all anorexic, I will wear serena's playsuit.
Duana:Rufus is all "F-CK TEENAGERS. Wait, where's my actual daughter??"
Lainey: will we see Constance at all this year?
Duana:Hmmm, I dunno
Lainey: Blake's skin is unbelievable.
Duana: Why is this happening right now? Why are we arguing about an absent Lily?
Duana:I need a WASABI FACIAL. Anyone know where to get one?
Lainey: Carter looks like astroboy
Duana:So OK, Serena wanted all these things but now doesn't because ...her mom's not around?
Duana:Oh, I CALLED THIS!
Duana:Didn't I say Blair and Dan would have some lame weekend in uni?
Duana:Oh COME ON They're playing her song?
Duana:Worlds COLLIDING here.
Lainey: and now SHE is wearing short shorts. This outfit is my favourite of the year so far.
Duana:Secret: I don't mind Dan's hair. Like, at all.
Lainey: M will have to adjudicate.
Duana:He echoed you on the hairband.
Duana:Fangs on young actresses. Trendy?
Lainey: I need huge bangs.
Lainey: i mean bangle earrings. Bangs = bad luck.
Duana:Oh. I'd like bangs.
Duana:Kiddie pool - staple of university parties.
Lainey: please tell me why these two in bed are still in bed.
Duana: it's because she said they were going to have a relationship in 24 hours.
Lainey: oh gross. Duana, please make it stop.
Duana:SeRENA. THat DRESS. Is FANTASTIC.
Lainey: It's sateen. we need M.
Duana:I know. But it might be working even so. Silk Charmeuse?
Lainey: do they coach these kids on how to sit? see how Carter is lounging? it's brilliant.
Duana:I know. It's "my dick is so big I have to throw back my shoulders"
Lainey: OK so a bad S is starting to become interesting.
Duana:Yeah, more interesting than sweet S, for sure.
Duana:Ew ew ew this makes me think of kidney stealing, this brother.
Duana:Blair taking the ....high road?
Duana:Oh...there it is.
Lainey: here it comes...
Duana:down it went.
Duana:Oh, Carter has feelings?
Lainey: She's "the one" for him.
Duana:Oh Blair, how you've fallen.
Lainey: what's wrong with me. I like Carter.
Duana:You've got stockholm syndrome.
Duana:I hate vanessa constantly
Duana:I can't help it.
Lainey: we agree on this.
Lainey: when did dan become the leader?
Duana:she also forgot how to read her lines over the summer.
Duana:Dan...? What? ....? You're confusing people.
Duana:For the love of Christ, no fun intended.
Duana:Oh Dan. You have cemented your fate.
Lainey: is it wrong of us to hate people like dan?
Duana:No, I hate Vanessa more though
Duana:Hey we forgot to talk about why Scott and his eyeliner twitched like a dying roach.
Duana:DUMBO! How long's it been? Five minutes? Six Days? WHERE"S JENNY AND ERIC?
Lainey: Taylor Momsen, the artist, gets cut out of ENTIRE episodes.
Duana:blake can't even say the word 'deferred'
Duana:awww, I loe the idea of serena having a sense of purpose.
Lainey: and Rufus too.
Lainey: did they get married already? when?
Duana:PS, the captioning says (Slaps leg). I wonder if that was serena? Rufus? Him on her? Her on him?
Lainey: so chace and Penn have the same wardrobe?
Duana:She has a cute mouth.
Duana:it's shaped like a bow.
Duana:I just want to go back to the dorms!
Duana:Dear teens, you can wear shooties for another summer.
Lainey: Good. i like my shooties. Were you talking to me?
Duana:No, I was reassuring myself.
Lainey: the cuff is what i want.
Lainey: plaid shirt in green.
Duana:then we'll go on 'shop gossip girl ' and it'll show where to get, like, vanessa's tank top
Lainey: they're 2 years behind on this trend. MK Olsen is smirking somewhere.
Duana:Scott's professor review was typed on a typewriter??
Lainey: what's up with scott's tufty hair?
Duana:His veneers are way too new and uncomfortable.
Lainey: S's bag. Thoughts?
Lainey: Carter has a hot mouth.
Duana:No he doesn't, e
Duana:I think his mouth is girly
Duana:let the fight commence.
Lainey: i f-cking love them. i do.
Lainey: i can't believe you like dan's hair.
Duana:She looks fabulous behind him
Duana:what can I say? I have felt worse about forelocks than i do about his.
Duana:Bye Jenny! Bye Eric!
Lainey: Chace spent the entire ep in bed. every boy but chuck wears plaid.
Lainey: yes... Carter.
Lainey: what does Carter do? do we know?
Duana:battle of the brunettes was pretty good - not a single blonde in any speaking role.
Photos from Jose Perez/Splashnewsonline.com and ANDERSON/VILA/Bauergriffinonline.com
We hate V