Jacek always drops me off at the airport with our beagles in the backseat. Barney, only 18 months, has never been alone his whole life. He went straight from his litter to having a big brother, Marcus. In many ways, he’s been spared the reality of being left. Barney is never left behind.

But Marcus knows about being left behind. He spent 8 years on his own being left behind when I go away, when we play golf...

Which is why he is a MASSIVE SUCK. Whenever the duffel bag comes out, he knows. And he gives me his sad prick look when I get out the car at the terminal, his eyes peering just above the window sill watching as I walk away. I’m the idiot that always looks back, and there’s that face, Duana calls it the most reproachful face she’s ever seen, judging me, not forgiving me, for wherever I’m going.

Then I watched We Bought A Zoo on the plane and cried my eyes out.

And here’s George Clooney with an actor dog on the beach shooting a commercial the other day. George has his own dog, Einstein so, as you can see, he knows how to talk to them. That’s my weakness: a man who can talk to dogs. Jacek can talk to any dog. Jacek will allow any dog to slobber themselves all over his face. At our house it’s become so pathetic that Marcus and Barney, between 9 and 9:30pm, will find Jacek and ask to be tucked in bed. By tucked in I mean he has to get into bed, lift up the covers like a servant, wait for them to position themselves all over his legs, groom themselves until it’s just right, and leave only when they put their heads down and start snoring, otherwise the whole process has to start over again from the beginning.

I imagine it must be, sort of, like this at George’s house. That Einstein runs things. Add that to the long list of Clooney’s best attributes. Is it enough to compensate for that Girlfriend Requirement?