Written by Duana

Brittany has a show on Youtube on which she outs Santana while Amber and Tina watch. It’s about fondue, and consequently it makes me want fondue.

Rachel asks Sam to the prom, and he really says no in a harsh manner. Calls her ‘not his type’ which, as we all know, has been a euphemism for ‘you’re damn ugly’ for a long time. The reason I love Rachel is because she shakes these things off instead of going to cry.

Then Sue and Terri plot to take Glee down via bringing back a school newspaper, the Muckraker. Sue dresses alternately like David Bowie and Ann Coulter (the latter is quite perfect) as Terri says she has an idea.

Kristin Chenoweth is back…? This mostly makes me feel like I wish this role had gone to Amy Sedaris. Is that so wrong? In any event, she’s back, she needs money, and wants to work in the auditorium because she wants to write a Broadway show.

Rachel about-faces, telling Finn they should do a duet and, when he says no, alerts him to the blind-item that says Quinn and Sam have been hooking up. Santana is also infuriated, because Brittany says she plays for the other team. It gets real yelly and shouty, and everyone’s angry.

Although Sedaris wouldn’t be able to play the following scene straight. They drink and Will advises April to write a play about her emotional life. This is all a ploy for them to think they should sing Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Dreams’, which I am utterly devoted to. We move from Will’s to the classroom. Look, they sing it, and Will has more chemistry with this woman than any other who’s ever been on the show – can we stop trying to force it, because it’s pretty real when it actually does occur? The man likes women with a bit of...I don’t know, verve? Something lacking in everyone else they’ve put him beside, including potty-mouthed Gwyneth-teacher. This song is extra great because they actually seem talent-and-enthusiasm matched.

Anyway, of course the Glee Club have to do Fleetwood Mac songs.

Artie clues in that Santana and Brittany are making out, and basically says “I’m insecure that you’re going to leave me, no more hanging out with Santana.” He also calls her stupid to her face, which is pretty harsh, and she cries. He sings “Never Going Back Again” while Puck plays backup guitar and Santana comforts Brittany. So, they’re done.

I get the Veronica Mars pangs as Rachel and Finn sit in a car outside the “American Family Hotel” at night, with cameras. She’s all giddy, but he snaps that it isn’t fun, at which point Rachel says “Then why did you agree to do it?” Yes, exactly. Quit using the girl for her brain and then snapping when she gets to see you vulnerable. And Rachel, for the love of God, stop letting him. Anyway, she says Finn went back to Quinn because you forgive your first love anything, and he asks about Karma, and they stop talking when Sam emerges from the hotel room….with Kurt? No kisses, but nerves. Also, nerd kid is taking pictures. OF FINN AND RACHEL.

Glee sit around, dissecting the Kurt-Sam scenario. Interestingly, they all say “Kurt wouldn’t do that to Blaine”. Of course, the only one who has proof that Sam isn’t gay is Quinn, which is pretty damning.

In another room, Santana sings her private feelings for Brittany to Brittany via “Songbird” and, while she’s at it, calls the piano player ‘furniture’. I don’t think Naya Rivera has the world’s most powerful or soulful voice, but it was at this point that I bought the album on iTunes (only partly as a result of Brit’s hippie blouse).

Anyway, like a girl, (kidding!) Brit wants Santana to express those feelings in public, so she proposes that Santana come on her show. She’ll ask her to prom, and S need only say yes. It is only too easy for me to rail about this show, but I do think this story is being treated with sweetness and gentleness, even if some of that is supposed to be due to Brit’s being simple.

Rachel sees Sam, looks sad. Sees Sam’s jacket, looks livid. She races up to Kurt and berates him, because that’s Kurt’s jacket and he remembers it. So, Sam’s homeless, then? Calling it. Kurt blathers about how Rachel is insane and talking about rumours just take away from the music. I’m glad he’s gotten so self-righteous after having been back for five seconds. Glee? Please don’t character assassinate people I’ve come to enjoy. If you must? Make Rachel a real villain. I’m tired of being yelled at via her, when she hasn’t done anything worse than anyone else on the show.

Maybe someone else heard me, because in the next scene, Finn and Rachel, again on stakeout, discuss the finer points of Quinn being awful to date, because she ‘keeps her feelings to herself’. Rachel astutes that girls do that to keep their power, in the very same moment as Finn saying Rachel herself never did that. Speaking of cheating, bro, where does your girlfriend think you are right now?

Hotel door opens. Quinn and Sam. They hug. It could be platonic, they don’t kiss. But Rachel still rubs Finn’s shoulder sympathetically.

Brittany interviews Mr. Schue. She asks “Boxers or briefs”, “pantyhose or lace panties” (those aren’t the same!) and “How many students have you had affairs with? He gets frustrated and, when Brittany implies he wants to leave the Glee club, he smells Sue.

OK, in journalism class (whatever…) Sue explains that once a story gets out, it can’t get back in. Will comes in to yell at her, and she actually creatively for once asks what he’s doing here? Why doesn’t he go to Broadway or something? Damn.

Becky hands out papers. Quinn says ‘vote for Quinn’. Becky says ‘bite me’. Okay, then. In my efforts to say something nice when I can, I like Becky so much better when she’s not sitting faithfully by Sue, but doing things by herself.

Quinn storms up to Finn, because delightfully, someone reported he and Rachel canoodling in the truck. Quinn won’t tell him the truth about why she was out. They snap that they have to trust each other and then sing “I Don’t Want To Know”. There’s no denying Dianna Agron is a lovely-looking girl. Rachel is somehow pissed about this, although Quinn seems to be phoning it in emotionally. Which Schue notes -

Then Rachel goes for the jugular, saying Quinn should sing with Sam more. Quinn starts snapping that Finn is not duetting with Rachel. Schue is like “Um, not your call, blondie.” At which point Quinn says “I like it here, but my relationship comes first. Finn, no more songs with her”.

Oh you guys, I know this part might be supposed to be parody but it is so totally that particular teenage girl who is going to HOLD ON to her guy with deep tight talons, the fact that she doesn’t like him that much utterly notwithstanding, because if she doesn’t have him, then who is she? Certainly not the girl with the boyfriend anymore. Sigh. When things get like this I go all immigrant-parent and think dating shouldn’t be allowed in high school.

Okay, so Emma sees Will and April rehearse their big Broadway number in the aud. (We called it the aud at my high school. To be incredibly cool. /tm Bossypants). Anyway, it’s good, I guess, and April wants Will to come to Broadway with her.

Brittany’s fondue show. Santana bailed. She interviews her cat.

Will is proud that Emma washed her grapes en masse, and she says Will inspired her to take charge of her life, and she wants to do the same. So with that, she says he should take the chance “On the big stage”. Will is all “I can’t do that to the kids”. Um, you can in two weeks. April’s show ain’t ready just yet. Anyway, Will cries. The kids and Emma – they saved him and he doesn’t want to lose them but he wants to go to Broadway so badly.

Rachel, in a hippie top, sings You Can Go Your Own Way. She sings to Finn who’s drumming. Is that usual? Her bedazzled mic makes everyone sing along with her. She’s killing it, it should be needless to say, and the nameless orchestra wannabes who probably make $5000 an episode almost kill themselves with rocking-out effort.

Quinn: “Don’t you think it’s a little odd that you sang a love song to my guy?” Er, isn’t it a breakup song? Regardless, Rachel loses all self-possession and starts screaming about Quinn cheating with Sam. Everyone yells at Sam a lot, until Sam says they’re just helping him, and then it comes out, and I give myself a nod because his family lives in the motel now. Apparently Kurt gave him clothes and Quinn helped him babysit. He storms out, giving us a big view of how Chord Overstreet is at least six inches taller than Chris Colfer and nobody is lending anyone clothes.

Sue makes margaritas with Terri and April. April reveals that Terri was the one who called her to ask her to come to town. April’s sad Will won’t come with her, but Sue’s about to publish a rumour that he’s going with April, at which point it will be true. All right then…

Motel. Rachel and Finn knock on Sam’s door. A blonde moppet named Stacey interrupts Sam’s efforts to kick them out. Rachel gapes “This is everything you own?” Classy, Rae. Sam throws his brother and sister on the bed and turns on cartoons for them. Finn doesn’t understand how this happened -

And then we’re having a lesson about foreclosure, about how banks just take your house. Kurt found out because they ordered a pizza at Dalton and Sam delivered it. Also, he and Quinn go to the same church. Um, we’ll leave that for another day, because I was under the distinct impression that she didn’t do that anymore after her father was so cruel to her. Or is that gone?

Sam might not be able to stay in Glee club, but Finn sweetens the deal – they bought back the guitar Sam hocked. Sam cries, and then they ruin the moment by having the little girl be insipid and cute.

Santana brushes over rumours of she and Karovsky doing it in a car, and stammers over rumours she planted the story herself. Brittany watches as Santana straight up says she and Karovsky are in love – while looking straight at Brittany.

Glee club yell at Schue about the paper headline saying he’s going to Broadway. He’s staying. Oh, and now Sam wants to sing to his younger brother and sister. I…guess. He and Quinn sing “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”. It’s a great song, so I won’t nitpick – this second, anyway – about how she can sing duets with other people… the entire Glee club jams and dances onstage.

Will watches the kids, sniffs the sweet smell of Broadway off April, who’s beside him, and looks worried. They throw the blonde moppets around.

So, in conclusion, if a guy says you’re not his type, it might just be that he’s homeless.

Attached – Matthew Morrison at the Met Gala

Photos from Wenn.com and Demis Maryannakis/Splashnewsonline.com