Written by Duana
Here we are, almost a half-season of Glee under our belts. I’ve spit some flames, I know I made lots of you mad but also thank you for all the love for last week’s post about Rachel.
Here’s my bargain for this week. I know I’m a heartless bitch and all that, but I also love kitties and babies and Christmas – and I really love Christmas songs. So I’ll try my best to put the scathing on pause, or at least temper it, by telling you things that touch me or make me think of Raindrops on Roses. Yes? We have a deal?
Teacher’s lounge. Emma has the audacity to ask Will if they are “okay”. I don’t like this kind of willful ignorance on a woman; she’s just trying to make herself feel better. BUT, I like that there’s a tree in the cafeteria. It’s sweet. They do teacher Secret-santa, and we don’t see who Emma gets, but she scowls. Will gets Sue.
Hallway. Artie’s locker is decked out in Christmas lights. I love his Christmas sweater, worn unironically. Artie is horrified that Brittany still believes in Santa. But then, some people like girls who are a ‘special’ kind of challenge.
The Gleeks are decorating what appears to be a real tree. Love real trees. Miss ‘em. (Pretty sure it would poison my dumb, greenery-snacking-addicted cat. From Lainey: yes because she’s a DOG.) They sing “Misfit Toys” from ‘Rudolph’, which never spoke to me as my favourite Christmas special, but I love people unironically singing Christmas songs and I LOVE wrapping parties like they’re doing right now. Anyone want to come over and wrap with me? (Last year I did it in front of “Diary of a Callgirl” which makes that show holiday-y in my head now.)
Christmas is Finn’s favourite holiday, but Mr. Schue is bitchy because “this isn’t supposed to be what Christmas is about”. (That might be because they stole the tree and presents, but still.) I’m tired of people saying what Christmas is ‘about’. Mercedes is tired of still being a Gleek to the ‘cool kids’ at school, just in case you forgot what this show is about. BUT I love that the slushie cups that get thrown on them have special holiday sleeves.
Schue wants Glee to sing for other classes in order to raise money for an underprivileged school. Cut to Mercedes trying to put life into “We need a little Christmas”. Their school spirit Christmas sweaters are kind of cute. The classroom they’re in hates it: “I’d rather be learning”. You get the idea. A teacher throws a shoe.
More decking of the Choir room. Popcorn strings. Not my style. BUT Britney asked for Santa to relieve her Glee club of persecution. Why do people hang stockings in places like school, where we know Santa will never come? Anyway, Artie wants to preserve Brittany’s innocence.
As a result, everyone sits on Santa’s lap, despite Quinn’s assertion that “Santa’s lap is always really hot.” They make a point of telling us what everyone wants, so here we go, ready?
Mercedes: Pony, Doll, and “one of us smells like McDonalds”
Lauren: Puckerman’s love and Sweet Potato Fries
Quinn: Something for stretch marks
Mike Chang: A lack of Channing Tatum
Tina: Asian Santa (this Santa is black)
Then it’s Brittany’s turn. She wishes for Artie to be able to walk. He gives Santa the ‘nix’ sign, but Santa says yes anyway.
Rachel’s in a winter wonderland. She gives Finn a Christmas present, trying to warm him up. He says Christmas is about forgiveness but he’s not ready to do so. He takes off…so she sings by herself. These songs are all really hard to name, because they all use the same words. This is the one that goes “Merry Christmas Darling, happy New Year tooo….” She’s sad that he doesn’t love her, she still loves him. And I look at her red beret and remember when I used to wear one. I actually don’t think I had any friends that year, no.
Schue writes Secret Santa lists for Sue. They include “Dog Robot, A Soul.” He’s out of ideas.
Boys’ private school. Darren Criss brings a boombox to Kurt so they can rehearse ‘Baby it’s cold outside’, known in my social circle as “the Date Rape Christmas song”. It’s adorable, but you’re not surprised, right? It also reminds me of my favourite rendition of this song, as sung by 7 year old Thora Birch in “All I Want For Christmas”. They lament they can’t sing it as boy and boy.
Mr. Schue comes to visit! Kurt feels it’s bittersweet. Mr. Schue needs his help. In the past he’s bought his wife jumper cables. So he needs Kurt’s help for secret santa.
Except it turns out all teachers have Sue for Secret Santa. Something about subterfuge with a tub of protein powder. She wants all the gifts. So she’s being so awful that she must be redeemed later on, right?
Sue takes Lauren’s hat, and as usual, when Sue comes in, this is when the episode loses its steam. Mr. Schue steals all her gifts for charity.
The boys want Coach Biest to tell Brittany Artie won’t walk while dressed as Santa . I don’t really like this BUT I like that Artie is so focused on Brittany’s happiness. So, sure.
Becky and Sue dress up as the Grinch and his dog/reindeer. Don’t like the plot, as you might have guessed, but I LOVE that damn dog with his reindeer antlers tied on. So there’s that.
What follows is an almost a shot for shot Grinch recreation, and who’s complaining? Not me. Sue sings “Mr. Grinch”. It’s predictable-ish, but entertaining to see her shred music and ruin ornaments. Then here comes Brittany as Cindy Lou Who. Guys, remember when Taylor Momsen was just this innocent? No?
School. Morning. Everyone sees the trashed music room, and all the kids blame the bullies. But Schue blames Sue. Brittany says it was Santa, so Schue goes back on his idea. Finn says none of this matters, so they all clean up.
Rachel tells Finn they have to save Christmas for the Glee club together, and you guys, do you know how much I love a Christmas scheme? (Watch ‘All I want For Christmas”!)
Christmas tree plot. Rachel tries hard, Finn is cold. Then my FAVE Christmas song comes on! Well, one of the many. She sings “Last Christmas”, and I’m grinning on my couch. Did they sing this last year and not use it? I already have this recording. Finn and Rachel are both hurt, she’s in a white beret – and I’m holding out hope for these two. But Finn still can’t do it. He’s breaking up with her, she hurt him too much.
Finn gives up his Dad’s watch for the kids. In fact, all the guys are giving up their watches. The girls are selling their hair. But Schue stops them again. BOOOORING. Oops, sorry. Dianna Agron looks ROUGH this week. Does she have a cold? Poor thing. Schue bitches about how Christmas loses its meaning when you get older, so they’re going to find some people who really need Christmas help. Get on with it already.
Brittany’s house. Biest Santa is there to tell her, with only a few grody euphemisms, that Artie can’t walk this year. She tells Brittany to ask for patience, and tells a thinly-veiled story about when she wanted to look like the other girls, but Santa gave her patience instead, and now being husky was helpful. Bottom line, Artie can’t walk this year. Brittany’s predictably crushed.
And Artie’s crushed when Brittany tells him she’s lost the Christmas spirit. Schue wants them in the teachers’ lounge, but Artie’s going to take her home because she’s feeling so sad.
Teachers’ lounge. Finn tells all the teachers he’s sorry the kids are such year-round brats. But he knows more Santa will help.
Sue gloats that she broke Glee’s heart. But of course, then we hear them sing…the Whoville happy-Christmas-is-here-anyway song. And I didn’t know that it would pull my heartstrings but it did. OK, this song is cute. Fine. Sue and Becky come in to see the teachers donating for underpriviledged kids. And hey, Principal Figgins! Whatcha doing here, sir?
Becky likes the Christmas spirit, so Sue does as well…
The Glee kids are happy they raised $210 bucks. Rachel expresses concern for Mr. Schue being alone on Christmas. He is snippy with her, but it’s Christmas, so I’ll let it go. We make allowances for not-nice people at Christmas. In the Glee room, everyone stops short…
Artie’s been given mechanical leg-walker things. He can only use them sometimes, and they’re called a Re-walk. They found it under Brittany’s Christmas tree. They have no idea where they came from. And I admit to tearing up, even though I know well that Kevin McHale can walk just fine. Outside, we see Biest smiling happily.
Schue’s house, alone. But there’s a fire, and a tree, and Sue - she apologizes for stealing the choir-room stuff. She bought Schue hairclippers so he could get rid of the chia pet on his head. OK, hee. She brings in the Glee club to trim the already packed tree. Finn steals a look at Rachel. Whatdya gotta know?
I wish they’d sung Mariah Carey. Or Destiny’s Child. Next year?
Attached – the cast of Glee on X Factor last weekend.
Photos from Wenn.com