Written by Duana

You guys, you guys. I knew before going in that this episode was about teen sexuality. And this is a hot-button issue for me: I can get on my high horse with no problem about sex education and how much more is required and what we expect teens to get by on. (Watch The Education of Shelby Knox if you want to know why I’m so angry.)

Needless to say then, it was bated breath for this episode. And right off the top, Emma Pillsbury and the Celibacy Club, which, as far as I can tell, is at least not called this in American high schools (on Ryan Murphy’s old show Popular, it was called “The Knees Together Club”).

So Rachel is trying to find out what’s going on with Quinn and Finn. She gets cockblocked and Emma is cutesy-poo about being afraid of sex. I can’t bear this woman. She stifles Rachel’s question because she herself is uncomfortable with sex. Gee, I wonder if this is how it is in real high schools? Adults are uncomfortable! Kids’ questions go unanswered!

Will is trying his best to not tell Emma she’s a frigid bitch, when Gwyneth arrives and I CRINGE MY FACE OFF. She’s all coolest cat on the block, health teacher has “the herp”, and I didn’t want to use this word too early but she is trying. (Also, in a show about correct sexual information, not sure herpes would necessitate a week off. ANYWAY.)

Will forgets his own name falling over himself loving Gwynnie, who thinks celibacy is absolutely not realistic, and they make Emma into a straw man (not to defend Emma in any way shape or form) by taking the extreme GOP line of “let’s not educate kids at all”. This far in and we haven’t seen kids yet?

Anyway, in case you were sleeping, Gwyn is in touch with her sexuality, and Emma is repressed.

In other news, Santana wants to make out with Brittany, but Brit thinks she’s knocked up, which Santana immediately tells everyone, including Artie, who loses his mind silently.

They proceed to tell Mr. Schue, and Brittany thinks she’s pregnant because – wait for it – a stork built a home on her roof. So just in case you were thinking you were going to get some straight talk this episode….you are LOSING ME with the positive messaging because I get so infuriated with the utter stupidity!

Gwyn teaches aerobics. Make your assumptions about 80’s clothes here. Will sucks her dick enough to tell her that they should do what she thinks w/r/t sex ed, and then there’s a digression about Jessica Seinfeld, and here’s the famed Tracy Anderson body on display, and it’s certainly tight, but it’s not what I would call….sexy. At all. Anyway, the solution is sex ed through song. Were you surprised? Also, Will isn’t dating.

He writes ‘sexy’ on the board and proceeds to ‘educate’ the kids on the ‘intricacies of adult relationships’. Kind of different from my choir director who told the two leads to ‘Look like you’re doing it, would you?’

Anyway, segue. Gwyneth is here. Leather jacket which automatically means sex, right? She’s going to teach them about touching. Anyway, kids think this is fun, except for Rachel, who feels like it’s inappropriate, and now it’s a song cue?

“Do You Want To Touch Me There?” What kills me is why Gwyn thinks she needs to be this specific type of singer. This sort of country, nasally twanger. If she wanted to I’m sure she could be one of those ethereal-voiced ovaries who weep about the lost and forgotten moments – but she insists on this…this singing. And – I hate to say it, but …her autotune is obvious.

Choreography involves implied flashing of breasts. Girls participate, except for Rachel and Quinn who are unimpressed, and Mercedes who has to be the one to identify with for all the shy heavy girls who *don’t * get boyfriends in high school. Right?

Gwyn gyrates in front of Artie. Schue blows his load in his pants. I mean, virtually, but probably also actually. Oh wait, her invigorating song stylings even have the virgins on board! “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” She’s the Pied Piper of sex!

Oh God, the sweet relief of the gay private school boys. Who are polluted by Sue Sylvester. At least I had a few moments of peace. Anyway, she knows that our
Glee club is getting sexy, Kurt tells her nothing, so now they’re enemies. Whatever.

Pillsbury. Furious. Will’s all “hey, at least I’m not demonstrating to them”. Emma is supposed to sing with her celibacy club. “Wishing and Hoping”? UGH THIS SHOW.

Lauren and Puck – she wants to make a sex tape to get famous and be a Kardashian. This is the most realistic part of this entire show and I’m not joking.

The boys’ school has invited the girls’ school over to watch them be sexy. For unexplained reasons, they’re in a dusty barn. Also realistic – these girls’ kilts are nerdily long.

I’m getting tired of Blaine being the only one who gets solos. They’re singing that song “Animal” and despite the girls squealing, this is bland and boring. Wasn’t it supposed to be new? Oh wait, now there’s a bubble machine, and yet I’m still bored although it appears these kids’ fantasies of Ibiza have now begun.

Know-it-all Blaine informs Kurt that his sexy faces suck.

Brittany, Santana. Brittany talks about feelings with Artie, and is apparently missing this with Santana when they make out. And wants to talk to someone about it. Which never has happened in the history of teenhood. Don’t email me and say how you always knew when you needed to consult a professional, please. Not buying.

Sex-tape Central, Puck and Lauren are the only people on this damn show who are still smiling. They research, Gwyneth arrives, high-LARIOUS Fat joke, because how could Lauren POSSIBLY like her body? F-CK OFF. Anyway, making a sex tape will make them child pornographers. Bummer. Pun intended.

Anyway, Brittany and Santana seek out Gwyneth. They have to admit to being lesbian or not while sitar music plays. Because…why, exactly? Tolerable Ani DiFranco-as-music-for-lesbians joke that is stereotypical and therefore funny. Because we like clichés! Gwyn’s help to the girls? Guess. “Find a song to sing” and – wait for it – they need her to sing with them.

Blaine and Kurt practice sexy faces. Kurt is ass at it because he’s never had sex, so he doesn’t know what to do. This is also something I remember from high school. Realism! It’s so refreshing! What’s not realistic is when Blaine says “Let’s talk about it” Kurt is all buttoned-up and Puritan and kicks Blaine out. Okay, NO NO NO NO.

You guys. I know some of you will be like “I was totally like that!” Here’s the thing, they slept in the same bed last week, remember? And Kurt was quaking in delight and the delectable nearness of Blaine whether we saw it or not. And now he doesn’t want to be titillated hearing what he has to say? Yes, I heard him say porn’s too ugly. But come ON now. I just hate when they change the characters from week to week.

Now Schue is going to do “Kiss” as a tango for the kids, (whaaaa?) and If Schue and Gwyn had any chemistry at all, this would be a better number. The random dancers are sexy. Our dancers are just – not. Mechanized, studied, and utterly chemistry-free. Awesome lines, like “Women, not girls, rule my world” are just breezed past.

Oh, but now they’re kissing! And now Holly says, in so many words, that she is “damaged goods”, but that Will isn’t and he doesn’t want her. Oh, here’s the moralizing I was looking for! She pouts and leaves.

Burt Hummel’s garage from the 1940s. Blaine offers to help, and SHOCK, he knows what car parts are! Now Blaine is apparently asking if Burt has ever talked to Kurt about sex, and calls him out as not having taught his son about sex. This…I don’t know about this. His point is that gay kids never get taught about sex in sex ed. Blaine’s all “Poor me, I had to get my information on the street. Also, your son is frigid. Teach him about condoms.” If I were Burt, I would punch this kid in the face.

Banjos, Gwyneth, Brittany and Santana. Dixie Chicks? (It’s their version.) “Landslide.” Are we implying those America-haters are lesbians? They’ve been afraid of changing, and it’s worth noting that Santana is wearing white for the first time I can think of. Anyway, lots of eye contact between significant players, because maybe this might indicate they’re gay? Gwyneth is so stagey and studied and consciously not ‘performing’.

Santana is full on crying as much as she can because as Elaine points out, moving her face is outside of her repertoire. She hugs Brittany. But apparently this doesn’t make her a lesbian, which NO KIDDING, but also that song is vague-ass, and lyrics analysis in my living room did not help.

Celibacy club, remember? Now Puck’s here, because this makes zero sense as usual, but if you want to know why the show says so, it’s because he’s terrified of getting arrested via kiddie porn.

OK, 70’s gear. The Celibacy Club and John Stamos. They all sing “Afternoon Delight”. Because people are dumb and don’t know what the song’s about. Remember kids, not having sex makes you dumb and inexperienced and unable to fit in, but having sex makes you a damaged whore! It’s a conundrum that you can totally, totally navigate!

After Gwyneth laughs openly at the club, Uncle Jesse tells her he needs some sex counseling with Emma who’s trying to put the shattered pieces of her world (Afternoon Delight isn’t a dessert?) back together.

Kurt and Burt, the most understanding parent ever. Burt got pamphlets. He is prepared to have the talk with Kurt. He declares it will suck for them both. “Mechanics” will be covered in the pamphlets he has, apparently. Good pamphlets.

Anyway, then Burt is honest about how most guys like sex but aren’t thinking about the inside feelings, but women do think about them, and then is all “Two guys together are both gonna think sex is just about sex, and…you have to know it means something and is doing something to your heart and self esteem”. There are some mixed messages here, but I can’t fault this conversation too much. It’s addressing the tendency for SOME gay sex to be more casual without saying it in so many words, and telling Kurt to wait and that ‘you matter’.

Honestly, the TV writer in me could tell you how unrealistic this dad is, but it is refreshing and great to hear someone on TV talk to their kids about sex without freaking the hell out. It’s no Tami Taylor (Season 1, Episode 17, “I think we should have sex”. Trust me) but it’s a really, really positive part of this episode.

Aaaand now we’re back with John Stamos and Emma having a sex therapy session with Gwyn that involves the phrase “Girlfrien’, what’s up wit’ that?” They haven’t had sex in four months. They cuddle a lot. She is apparently ticklish. Annnnnyway, Gwyn’s all “Are you in love with Will Schuester”? Emma is “Confused”. John Stamos is going to the Radisson. That was tidy. Gwyneth can’t help her smug smug face, even in character.

Santana and Brittany. Soft voices of emotional connection. Santana has realized she is a bitch all the time because she’s angry, because she’s a lesbian. Wait, what? She’s angry because she has feelings for Brittany that she can’t get around. She wants to be with her but is afraid of being labeled a lesbian. So – there it is.

Anyway, Brittany thinks Santana could kick the ass of anyone who made fun of her, which makes Santana cry. She denounces men! She loves Brittany! Brittany loves her too, and would like, totally be with her if it weren’t for Artie. So basically she’s like “Stick around until he and I break up, OK?”

I’d like at this point to point out that Naya Rivera has squeezed out a single tear in her whole ‘crying’ scene. Brittany makes no declarations about her sexuality, Santana is pissed.

Lauren. Puck. She thinks he’s lame for having joined the Celibacy Club. He’s all “I’m changing my life”. It sounds a lot like he says F-ck it, but maybe it’s a weird edit, and Lauren’s all “Great, celibacy, yay.” Um…

Anyway, at the club. Rachel’s in charge now. Everyone’s there. Rachel’s all “But maybe this is a bad idea because we’re all going to get intimate sooner or later, right?” Quinn deflects a hickey question, and it turns out she and Finn are more or less back together, secretly. He’s anxious that it’s only about getting back together to make prom king and queen, she lies like it isn’t (but it is). We find all this out in flashback?

Stage. Schue. Gwyn. He makes fun of Cory Monteith’s dancing. Gwyn’s been shunted to another school due to talking about sex. Anyway, maybe she should try a relationship, because women who have sex don’t know anything about emotions! Seriously, I’m paraphrasing, but not by much.

He dips her, they kiss. Does this mean she’s coming back??

Okay, so what did we learn here? We should encourage teens to be in celibacy clubs, they will likely be taught there by people who don’t know what they’re talking about. Those who do have sex will wind up emotionally bruised and confused.

We also learned that Gwyneth is dying – desperate! – to get into the good graces of TV-watching America. I just can’t understand why is all…can you?

Photos from Wenn.com