Written by Duana

this week! I have commited to the following, which is, I’m disabling my CAPS for this episode. No matter how irritated or elated, I will express it in proper alphanumeric form.

I can’t speak about the italics, though.

Blaine storms into a room with an “Oh yeah!” All the dudes know the songs except, inexplicably, for Kurt, who smiles along in that pursed lip way he has. Then it turns out they’re singing “Misery” but Kurt is still murmuring rather than getting up and performing. If I understand this scene correctly, the 20 Warblers sing while another 50 guys just watch, nodding along. Kurt has deigned to nod along, but I can’t say he’s giving it his all.

It’s their opening number at regionals, apparently, and Kurt still looks unimpressed. But that’s OK, because they inexplicably have to talk about his canary and yes, his canary-cage-cover. Would that I was lying. Anyway, Kurt thinks the song – oh, and Blaine’s solos, snap – are ‘been there done that’ and calls the Warblers “Blain and the Pips.” Point taken!

I know a lot of you think I’m hard on this show, but I give credit where it’s due, and they’ve really made this Dalton thing work, by committing to being there every episode, and giving us Blaine to care about there. It works. So there.

Title Card.

Rachel, about to sing, and Finn, doing his customary scowl. She starts singing and it is hilariously about just one egg, and not being the Jet Set. Okay, eventually it’s about being an only child, and it’s continually hilarious, and Lea Michelle sings the crap out of it. Finn somehow knows that Rachel still needs to touch the ugly pain, instead of the nearby stuff. I love when he gets a degree in Child Psych for one act.

Anyway, jealous awful Quinn is outside, in-her-head monologuing that she worries about Finn since he likes ‘someone as annoying as Rachel’. But she reminds herself that first loves are forever, or more importantly, that she wants a tiara. The phrase “Relatively sane for a girl” comes up here. Anyway, her entire desires are focused on Prom Queen, which I suppose is why she’s doing a Molly Ringwald outfit here. She decides she has to keep Rachel close in order to sabotage her. That’s nice.

Kurt and his canary sing back and forth to one another. Then they don’t. Meanwhile, Blaine has an aneurysm over why they can’t wear red-and-blue vs. blue-and-red to Regionals. Kurt arrives, swathed entirely in black, due to his canary being – sing it with me – totally dead. He’s not so sad he can’t get a dig in at Blaine, but then says he wants to sing and hands someone a (let me break out the italics) cassette tape. I have nostalgia for my first “La Isla Bonita” cassingle – but Kurt is singing “Blackbird”.

Which is sort of lovely and heartbreaking, and if it doesn’t make you sad, you’re made of stone, but the Dalton boys still manage to put some ‘bum’ sounds behind it, and it really does sound quite beautiful. Also of note is Blaine’s furrowed brow of attention toward s Kurt, and goddamn if Chris Colfer isn’t crying real tears over his dead canary.

Schuester (groan) tells the kids they can’t do the song “Sing” by My Chemical Romance because the band issued a cease-and-desist, and in fact for the show to say this means MCR must be on board, but I’m distracted by Brittany’s awesome Carly Simon hat, and Mercedes accuses Sue Sylvester of being behind it all.

And I wince, because Sue-Schue scenes are my least favourite. He shoves the letter in her face, and she agrees that she did in fact know the drummer from MCR, and told MCR that Will (and Glee) are anti-PETA. She makes some empty threats about “World War Sue” and I yawn.

Back in Glee, Rachel says they should write originals, Santana monotones ‘all those in favour of voting Rachel down a second time” and for the record, the vote-downers are Mercedes, Artie, Brittany, and it appears to be Rachel herself – but sweet Mary Sunshine Quinn comes to her rescue. My teeth are on edge.

She thinks Rachel’s right, Glee should push themselves. She sucks up to Rachel, and wants to write a song with her. Santana is all “let’s all write songs”, and I plug my ears pre-emptively.

Lockers. Brittany and Santana. Backpacks (on both shoulders). Tinkly piano. Brittany wants to know if she did something wrong, Santana invokes “stubble mccripplepants”, there’s discussion over whether Santana might indeed be the L word and she says she can write a ‘heterosexual’ song. Sue comes along, threathens them, and their lockers burst open, filled with dirt.

Warblers. Dalton. Blaine throws himself on his sword. He wants to not be a soloist so much anymore. Sure. In any event, he wants a dual lead with Kurt. All the Warblers force themselves not to give the stinkeye and vote Kurt in. Sure.

Schuester. Rhyming dictionaries. Santana wants to sing her original song, “Trouty-Mouth” that she wrote for Sam. She’s not half bad, singing as a 40’s-style loungey boudoir singer song, and the lyrics here, “Grouper-mouth, Froggy-lips” are making me roll in the aisles, but Sam is all irritated, because he has no sense of humour.

Puck wrote a song for Lauren, entitled “Big Ass Heart”. It’s a weird ripoff of MoonDance which is about the bigness of her…heart. Mike Chang, whose vocal chords must be atrophying, makes a heart shape with his hand. Schue basically says no way, no day, and we’re out.

Quinn one-track-minds with Finn about prom, which startles him. She brings up Rachel and his face lights up, but when she brings it back around to the prom King & Queen agenda, he finds a backbone and says it’s a bad idea. He wants them to wait to ‘come out’ until after Nationals (que?) but she growls and he caves.

Rachel sees, and pouts. There’s no denying her face looks a little different these days, and I wonder if she intentionally gained a couple to make Rachel look more believably young.

Dalton. Kurt with a bird casket. Blaine has a song for them – “Candles” by Hey Monday. I’ll let you google but Kurt is impressed he’s not doing Top 40. Blaine gets all stammery as he confesses that Kurt singing Blackbird gave him a half-mast. In his heart, that is. Then they kiss, and it’s really sweet looking, but the angle Darren Criss is at, I bet it’s also killing his quads. Anyway, they’re adorable and they kiss again.

Mercedes is singing a Sassy Black Girl song. The callback line is “hell to the no”. So, you know, no stereotypes broken here. Also, her weave is mentioned. I would like this song better, if the things she was ‘hell to the no’-ing against weren’t so…reasonable. I continue to be distracted by Brittany’s incredible outfit.

Schue still says they’re not there yet. Because they aren’t writing songs about hurt. So they start talking about how much they hate Sue. She is mean to them. Schue writes up all the bad things she says on a whiteboard. He wants them to write a song entitled “Loser Like Me”.

Quinn at a piano, Rachel comes in. Suddenly Quinn is hostile, and now Rachel wants to be honest. Are she and Finn together? Quinn says yes and, like a bitch, twists the knife. “How many times do you have to do the same thing before you realize it won’t work out?” Rachel asks why Quinn’s being so mean, and Quinn basically says she and Finn will be losers who never leave Ohio while Rachel is destined for more. But meaner. Rachel says it isn’t over, she can try – and Quinn’s voice sounds husky as she says Rachel’s so frustrating – that Rachel keeps looking for a happy ending. Rachel wisely takes off to cry and work alone.

I have to say, this was another really real moment here. Quinn wouldn’t be able to articulate her feelings quite that well, but I believe, for sure, that she’d want to hang onto Finn. In her mind, Rachel has so much, why should she need Quinn’s boyfriend as well? She specifically says they’re going to start a family together after Finn takes over Kurt’s Dad’s garage. Quinn thinks she’s being realistic. And that thing we’ve all heard articulated, about how the prom queen’s life starts going downhill the day after she’s crowned, well, those kinds of parables – which may or may not be true – are told over and over again to girls like me. Er, I mean, ‘girls like Rachel’.

In her bedroom, a tearful Rachel scrawls out lyrics. We see that the title is “Get it Right”.

Schue checks himself out in a mirror, so of course Sue is nearby. Apparently it’s regional day. Anyway, Sue is so sure her club is going to win that she tells him she forged the letter from MCR. Anyway, they threaten each other. Sure.

Okay, Regionals. I didn’t know we would actually get here. Oh, and there’s Kathy Griffin! She’s introduced as Sarah Palin, or “Tammy Jean Albertson, former Tea Partyer and Home Schooler” and then there is a reference to Sister Act 2, and show, do NOT do this to me. Do NOT make me like you (I know I broke my caps rule. At least I made it to the midway point). Anyway, she’s called “Sister Mary Constance”. I weaken.

Our Glee club comes in late, in time to watch Sue’s club sing “Jesus is a friend of Mine”, and the eyeroll we catch from “Rachel” is absolutely from Lea Michele, which is kind of a treat. Anyway, everyone else is screaming happily for Oral Intensity. Because I guess they like Jesus. Which means it’s time for the gay boys….

Kurt is cutely getting nervous backstage, whereby Blaine cutely reassures him. The Warblers take the stage, Kurt nearly faints, and then begins to sing his solo –Is this what passes for rock for the kids these days? It sounds great, enough to make Rachel nervous. She looks over to Finn, but Quinn, who maybe they’re intentionally making look 30, grabs his hand possessively.

Oh, all right, they’ve given the audience candles to wave.

Anyway, darling Rachel has the grace to be delighted for Kurt (I wish he could return the favour sometimes) and the audience cheers, and then the Warblers sing Pink’s “Raise Your Glass”, and the audience freaks out, and then, adorably, Rachel jumps up to dance along in her seat. I know some of you are saying “Sit Down”. Me, I think it’s so sweet.

Meanwhile, Darren Criss is a star not just because he loves to sing, but because he uniformly looks like he’s having a blast up there. Honestly, they’ve done a great job with Dalton – in this song, Kurt is in the back, basically nowhere to be found. Which is as it should be. Mass elation.

Backstage with New Directions. Rachel tells Finn that A) last time they were there he said he loved her and B) She wrote her entire song for him. Blue party dresses aren’ my favourite, but they’re OK as Rachel begins her solo, only-person-on-stage tune –

What have I done/
Wish I could run/
Away from this ship going under

Just trying to help/
Hurt everyone else/
Now I feel the weight of the world is/
On my shoulders

What can you do when your/
Good isn’t good enough/
And all that you touch tumbles down

Cause my best intentions keep/
Making a mess of things/
I just want to fix it somehow

How many times will it take/
How many times will it take for me/
To get it right…

So there’s Quinn’s bitter words, back in song. I wish this song were moving me as much as I’d like, but I haven’t felt it quite yet, although Kurt, delighted, says they’re doing original songs as Rachel continues. Behind her, Brittany and Tina have appeared to sing backup, and behind them is the band, but I’m not sure this is a full Glee performance with just three of them onstage. Then we see Finn with signs of transport on his face, and Quinn jealously behind him, which is her job this episode, and I really like Rachel’s cute flat booties.

She sings the hell out of it, and the audience cheers, and all the girls come out to back her up, but still no Finn. Mass Cheers from everyone in the audience. Schue grins, guitars play, and then suddenly they sing their loser song, and when your voice is as good as Lea Michele’s, why bring in even the inference of autotuning?

Oh, maybe those booties are Docs.

They invoke the “L” sign on their foreheads, and miraculously the audience finds “L” foam fingers beneath their chairs. Apparently Sue is aware it’s aimed at her, this song. Everyone is joyful, and I can’t say it’s a super fun upbeat song. The club throws ‘slushies’ (cups of flower petals) at the audience, everyone is sweaty and adrenalined, and Finn puts his arm around Rachel in elation, and Quinn – well, Quinn looks Worried.

Judging room. I believe they did this last year, which, if they did, nice continuity. Kathy Griffin points out that she’s not a witch, but wants to know if the kids were born in the U.S. Monteith shoutout! Sister Mary Clarence, er, Constance, wants to know if Dalton is ‘a gay school, or just a school that appears gay’. The random newscaster invokes “My hairdresser is a gay” and that he should be allowed to marry his longtime partner.

Kathy Griffin does not, in fact, believe that they should be sending a message that gay is OK, or indeed that doing duets between boys is OK. She believes the song about Jesus should win. The nun does not. Kathy Griffin doesn’t believe that there should be songs about being a loser, either. She says she once twittered that Obama was a Terrorist. So there it is.

Not that it surprises anyone, but the Jesus choir is wearing dresses that basically imply their breasts are hanging over their dresses. That’s all.

So a woman comes out to announce the results, and it seems to be a scenario by which Glee wanted to get Betty White, but couldn’t, and as a result, this woman’s confession that she’s drunk just seems sad.

New Directions win! New Directions win! I just realized the girls calves are cut off by cropped leggings! Why would you do that to your girls’ legs when they’re also wearing boots? Anyway, Sue’s choir is sad and melancholy, and Dalton are rueful but happy for New Directions, and then Holy Sh-t, Sue knocks out the judge and lays her flat. Can we please, please stop having this violent abuser on the show? I could deal with the rest of this.

Inexplicably, Kurt and Blaine are burying the canary (Pavarotti). They wonder whether it invokes memories of Kurt’s mom’s funeral. Anyway, Blaine is proud of them finding each other even though they lost. Kurt is still kind of mad they lost.

OK, Will goo goos down the phone to Gwyneth, who is at a sweatlodge. He yammers that their victory was a team effort, but he wants ot award an MVP award to Rachel. She takes a few words, and I yell “shut up, Santana” before I even have to.

Rachel says she feels like the girl who never gets the brass ring, and is brought to tears by the fact that they actually believed in her. She wants to thank them so much and they all roll up and hug her. It’s a nice, warm feeling, and appropriate reactions to Rachel for once. But it’ll all be erased by next week, so…don’t get attached, I guess.

Attached - Lea Michele on the set of New Year's Eve in New York.

Photos from Jackson Lee/Splashnewsonline.com