Written by Duana

I’ve been in the US for five days, feels like longer. When you’re on vacation you notice the differences more. I love Target and I wish there were more independent restaurants and I forgot about the level of familiarity that people have with their morning show hosts here. There was a woman yesterday on Good Morning America who turned 50, and everyone from Janet Jackson on down wished her a happy birthday. And so did everyone in the crowd, with their signs. I forgot that a morning show personality – even if they move on to other career pursuits – is basically like your favourite aunt or cool older cousin, you know them by first name for life.

Which I guess is the justification for Katie Couric having been asked to guest star on Glee. I mean, I guess. There are worse people. But, and I KNOW I sound like a broken record, how am I supposed to get to know and care about the HIGH SCHOOL characters if you keep giving me boring grown up guest stars? This week’s episode focuses on Carol Burnett coming to town. Carol Burnett. I know there’s supposed to be ‘co-viewing’ where parents and kids enjoy the show together. And presumably parents know who Carol Burnett is but I’m not sure they care. Someone hit me with reality on this one.

Finally, last week I referred to this show in person, as I have done here, as “Sesame Street for Tweens”. Simple, small stories in which you learn a lesson.

So this week I’ll determine whether each scene has a moral that’s interpretable by tweens who don’t have a lot of social skills yet. I know, I’m relishing it too.

Previously on Glee, Kurt was gay a whole bunch of times! And Sue had a date and then didn’t.

Kurt and Finn’s parents got engaged in a high school classroom where Kurt introduced them, making them the only people to get engaged in this school without being knocked up. MORAL? DON’T GET KNOCKED UP. Kurt wants to plan the wedding. Dad wants to make a joke about guest stars on “Lost”. Finn isn’t happy about the wedding. Can’t hide it very well. MORAL? ACTING LESSONS FOR YOUR KIDS WILL HELP YOUR PERSONAL HAPPINESS. Also, Glee is singing at the wedding.

Sue, ordering Becky around, then reminiscing about when her newscaster boyfriend said he was engaged on air. So she signed up for online dating. Which matched her up with herself. Now she’s getting married TO HERSELF. MORAL? SINGLE LADIES ARE CRAZY.

Finn and Sam swing their dicks in the weight room. Sam wants to be popular, somehow this means they can’t hang out. Finn is cool with this. MORAL? Boys don’t get het up about this stuff like girls do.

Sam pitches hard at Quinn to date her. Then he offers her a promise ring from Zales (or Zellers. I don’t know what Zales implies.) This is just flat out stupid and there is no moral here. I was almost going to give it one and then they mentioned Matthew McConaughey. But hey! Quinn doesn’t take it right away! Smart! MORAL: IF YOU’RE SUPER HOT, A GUY WON’T GET MAD IF YOU REJECT HIM.

Finn and Kurt blather about the wedding. Something about a dance with Finn’s mom? He wants to be cool…at the wedding? Kurt gets bullied by the gay bully in the hall, who takes his bride & groom caketoppers. MORAL: DON’T BRING IT TO SCHOOL IF YOU DON’T WANT IT STOLEN.

Okay, I’m joking, but Sue isn’t, basically calling Kurt a girl who can’t stand up for himself. Far more eloquent people than I have sounded off on bullying, but maybe one of our new things can be that the burden of proof is NOT on the victim? Kurt is vulnerable and open about how scared he is, and both Sue and Schue seem genuinely empathetic, then Kurt tells her off for calling him “Lady”. MORAL: YOU CAN’T TRUST SCHOOL ADMINISTRATORS WHO SAY THEY ‘WISH’ THEY COULD HELP.

Rachel – hey, remember Rachel? - evangelizes to the girls about Kurt. She is meangirling about helping Kurt via their boyfriends. Santana is bratty because her boyfriend isn’t in football. MORAL: GIRLS ARE BITCHES ABOUT BOYS. That one basically IS in Sesame Street.

Sue tells a wedding planner she’s going to officiate her own wedding. This is all preamble until Carol Burnett shows up, insulting people. Why is this funny? I tune out until Sue’s mom teaches my MORAL: “BEEN TO ARIZONA? IT’S A HELLHOLE.” Apparently mom’s been gone a long time. And is all lectury about the faux-wedding. Disapproval.

Rachel bitches at Finn. No moral here.

Glee boys in the locker room bully the bully. It goes terribly. MORAL: DON’T BE SO STUPID.

Glee meeting, and they all take turns sucking Sam’s dick. Finn is threatened, and Kurt wants to die. Schue is all nosy about what’s going on. MORAL: TEACHERS ARE ALWAYS BEHIND EVEN WHEN THEY THINK THEY ARE SMART.

Sue and Mom rehearse a song for the wedding. Mom was a Nazi hunter? Carol Burnett sings “Why-o why-o-hio”. I don’t know if that’s the name of the song for real, but it probably is. MORAL: OLD PEOPLE MAKE ME NOT CARE

Kurt tutors Finn & his dad on dancing. He really does look happy. Finn is a big dick about the whole thing, and by that I mean so much as touching Kurt. Karovski sees, mocks them, and Dad RUNS off after him. Pins him up agains a bulletin board. Burt makes it all Finn’s fault for not helping.

Sue’s office. Parental bullying conference. Burt Hummel is awesome. Karovski is expelled. Nobody is sorry. MORAL: EVEN SUE GETS IT OK SOMETIMES.

Wedding day. Santana says “Frankenteen” to Finn, which if you don’t know what the inside joke is, you don’t watch this show and just read these for the jokes. Thanks! Anyway, she tells him he should say he slept with her for cool cred. He can’t do it. MORAL: THIS IS A LIE. BOYS DON’T DO THIS.

Flashback, Rachel confesses to not having had sex. Finn gulps. He tells Santana he can’t hurt Rachel who thinks they’re both virgins. Arguments and threats. Sure…then Rachel fishes for compliments. Finn loves her. MORAL: THIS DOESN’T HAPPEN EITHER. I MEAN, IT DOES, BUT NOT WHEN YOU WANT IT TO.

In a church, Kurt and Rachel sing “I think I want to marry you”. Sam and Quinn sing a chorusy part that I don’t know. Artie and Britney look pretty. Mercedes got her one line earlier this ep so we don’t hear from her. MORAL: SHE DOESN’T GET LINES WHEN THEY AREN’T ABOUT EATING.

Burt Hummel continues being adorable by dancing down the aisle in his tux and Finn’s mom comes and it’s pretty cute. MORAL: CHEESE ONLY WHEN WARRANTED.

Burt Hummel makes a wedding speech and it’s sweet and all but am I supposed to be transported by this? I knew he was sweet, I don’t need to be reminded. Mom talks at Finn and says “you were resistant at first”. MORAL: PARENTS WILL GUILT YOU EVEN AT THE ALTAR. Mom’s name is Carol.

Schue sings Buble. I prefer the original. Artie and Brittany canoodling is cute. She’s unrecognizable without her ponytail. I bet she never, ever gets recognized. Finn gets up to speak. Says Kurt is his bro now. Why? What changed? Groan. Glee sings Bruno Mars
“Beautiful” to Kurt. This is a song to show off how much better Cory Monteith’s voice has gotten. MORAL: WE GET IT. BUT YES, HE’S BETTER.

Everyone dances together. The red dresses look nice. Dianna Agron is so beautiful when she smiles, not to quote the song.

Sue wedding rehearsal. Carol Burnett, Sue’s sister Jean. You remember, her sister she goes to visit? She and Carol Burnett banter about why mom left.

SUE WEARS A TRACK SUIT WEDDING GOWN. MORAL: I’M GETTING MY SISTER TO BUY IT FOR HER UPCOMING NUPTIALS. Sue hilariously twists around playing three parts as she marries herself to herself. Mom bitches that it’s not about her. Sue calls her a bully. Mom is disinvited. Damn.

Quinn is turned on by Sam standing up for Kurt, so now she wants to wear his promise ring. Don’t kill me if I say her makeup has more than a touch of the Britney (Spears) about her. MORAL: I DON”T PAY ATTENTION TO THESE TWO, I JUST WATCH THEIR FACES.

Karovski’s back in school due to school board turnover. Kurt’s parents (aww) are outraged. Sue retires as principal and says she’ll watch out for Kurt in the hall. Kurt’s parents (aww) want to talk to him. MORAL: IT’S NEVER GOOD WHEN YOUR PARENTS SAY THAT.

Glee. Do you think Matthew Morrison has a running total of how many times he says “Sectionals”? If you are the person who keeps that particular blog tally, can you email him? Kurt announces to Glee that he’s peacing out. Going to private school. Yay! But no, but yay because I really wanted him to go there. Finn is mad. MORAL: FINN IS IRRELEVANT. ALSO, RACHEL IS SELF-CENTERED AND EVIL.

So OK. Maybe there were some lessons in there. Question is, did you actually need a show to explain them to you?

Attached – Chris Colfer on Ellen last week.

Photos from Wenn.com