Written by Duana

Previously on Gossip Girl, I investigated Columbia apparel to see if there was anything Blair would wear, because it was a repeat. (Answer: nope - see for yourself.) Oh but also, a dude stole Serena's cab, she poured with him over a drink, Juliette swore she would take down Serena, Nate's dad was evil (whoa...old school) and Jenny was about to return.

Old creepy movie. Woman groping along shoes, but she's blind. Oh wait, it's Blair in a short wig! Preetty! (and super-booby). Chuck grabs her ankles..kinda sexy. Then Blair wakes up. AFTER GRABBING A HEADBAND.

Serena's in bed with that dude. She steals his pajama top and leaves!

Girlish apt. Blair makes my life with the phrase "hair in missionary disarray". Serena says they just talked (he couldn't get it up, S?) Serena doesn't want to be one of Colin the cab stealer’s conquests.

Blair explains terrifying movie dream (Wait Until Dark, FYI). Serena is turned on at the idea of Chuck in drag. Blair fades off thinking about long blonde hair. Serena's bats behind her bed still creepy.

Nate, from prison, checks in on Dan. They are in loooove. Dan soothes Nate's hurt feelings about her leaving. But oh wait! She's in line at jail, too!

Chuck and Serena talk too companionably. I bet B would kill her if she knew. S has other problems, Creepy Colin is her creepy teacher.

Scary music plays as Blair walks utterly uninvited through Lily's home. Opens a door ...

On Jenny Humphrey pale, washed out, and disgusting, with no pants. Seriously, she looks so shocking and wan I almost come out of short snark mode.

After the commercial, Jenny tells Blair her family is coming back any second. J explains she's just meeting with Tim Gunn. Oh, just that? Sure, I'll bite. Blair agrees if Jenny agrees never to come back including Christmas. We all know J is a pagan anyway.

Nate and Juliet sixth-grade babble about why he's at prison. He says "you're here for your bro?" She lies about reading to convicts. Because that makes sense.

B and S on Columbia campus. B dispatches Serena's problem in one second, to wit, behave. B yells at Chuck for not burning Jenny in effigy. He swears he has nothing to do with it, then gets on his ozone.

Blair orders minions to supervise Jenny.

Family fawns over little J. Dan only into his sister for the food. She turns down Babbo on account of she doesn't eat. Lily is so gorgeous. Eric is hilarious looking.

Eric and Dan try not to cringe while talking to Jenny. She Flowers In The Attics and doesn't need to see the sun on her face.

Chuck is here! Steals Jennys portfolio in front of Dan, because he is stupid.

Creepy Colin and S talk, he says she "refused to be conquered". Ew. Then he tells her to refuse him again with actual conviction. Hah!! He twists her arm and she drops her class for him and agrees to go out that night.

Chuck calls Jenny. Vanya says things in an accent. Jenny wears an ugly dress to go fetch her portfolio. Penelope and co follow hierarchy.

Blair sets her teeth - and calls Tim Gunn. How many times will His Name be invoked?

Okay, street. Jenny has horrible hair. Dan is there. A volunteer takes the recovered portfolio. Dan forces his way through a hug with Little J.

Juliette and brother. She doesn't want to lie to Nate anymore. I could swear this brother has been recast recently. He checks out Convict Archibald. Um is this where we are now?

Serena makes a lot of tracks in one day. At Lily’s. They mince about how neither of them likes Jenny. Lily agrees to buy Serena's love by giving her jewels. Also tells her business is smart.

Okay, Tim Gunn! He tries to understand why Jenny keeps tangling with Waldorfs. She's all "just look at the dresses".

We wait for them to come out knowing there's going to be nipples cut out and etc - but no. Instead W H O R E, one red letter per black dress.

Gunn is scandalized. Kicks her out. For real??

Blair comes to gloat. Chuck calls. She can talk to Gunn at the New York Observer event. Little J doesn't squeeze out a tear. She doesn't really care that she's skipping dinner with Dad.

This is imbecilic. Jenny can't go anywhere in the city? You'd think B would give her, like, Murray Hill or something. Battery Park?

Serena's boobs are at the party! Like a lot! Ivanka's are covered, but due to long fringe appear to be totally unsupported.

J pouts in the party that B will kill her. Eric and Dan steer her Tim Gunn-ward.

Lily isn't as pretty in lilac. Serena's braid is insane. Oops, Serena's ducking her education for a boy!

Lily is sour faced.

B's girls are all in dove grey. I can’t wear that colour. B, in manicure mode, says she'll be there soon. Also, "This is not congress, Penelope, accomplish something!". Chuck swarms by all significantly.

Jenny, whose hair has been brushed since last shot, tells TGunn her dresses weren't supposed to be like that. Gunn gets off a great "oh dr, what happened?". She gets a second chance. But Chuck was the one who set up her first chance.

Nate and Juliette. Who? Nate actually used his brain and called prison to see if J's brother was there. Sort of? It's unclear.

Then jail calls. Nate's dad was jumped! Guess who...Juliette's brother is all "I'm a psycho".

Isaac Mizrahi. Rufus has to be introduced as though he's never seen a Target commercial.

Jenny with the dove colour girls. She finds out they don't know why B hates her. She races off with her phone.

Blair and Chuck face off about nothing. Except putting their reputations at risk. Does Chuck have one?

Phones ding! Everyone knows! The Jenny Chuck scandal is way better when you remember they were stepsiblings. Although...how's that, exactly? Not by blood. Jenny the whore comes over all "I did it, B"

Little J drinks something unidentifiable. Dan sanitizes his hands before sitting down. J is all everyone knows I'm a whore, so...judgy Dan is all "go back to Hudson, you whore".

Lily tells Serena she's too stupid to take the business class. Serena takes the bait. It's entertaining. Then poor Lily has to explain reverse psychology to Rufus. Poor Lily. I want to read her diary every day.

Nate's jumped dad. No idea who did it. He swears he's a good guy now. They kiss. Almost.

Colin is an eligible bachelor. He speechifies. Serena pulls her mom out of the party.

B and Chuck. Somehow they blame each other for screwing each other over. Little J comes out and says b and chuck used to be in love. Says she's not coming home until they’re back together. Then they can adopt her? I dunno. She swans off with Dan, her actual brother she hasn't slept with yet.

Night. Hallowed halls of the Ivy League. Serena's boobs go to see Colin in his office. He's inspired to be a good man.

Then tells her the course is only seven weeks. Um, it is??? Anyway, Lily is right, again, for sure.

Dan puts Jenny in a cab. Little J metas that she's not coming back to the UES because she hates herself there. Then gets in a cab. So...no Tim Gunn then?

Blair and Chuck, she;s in her pajamas. He tells her it's time for a truce. She's suspicious. He says it was fate that they ruined each others lives.

She basically sacks up, offers him a truce, and then is BURNT by the hotness of the flame between them. And then, six weeks after you got sick of it, Rihanna and Eminem strike up.

Juliette and Nate, on the phone. She does that thing where she gets him to dump her. Wait, then Colin comes over, because he is creepy Colin! He gives her a cheque. They cheers "to patience"

And that's it. I mean, the previews talk about sex, Blair, Serena, and scandal, but isn't that every week? Every hour?

Attached – Leighton Meester at the Hollywood Awards last night

Photos from Wenn.com