Written by Duana

Gossip Taha here, to protect you against the possibility of little J arriving.

Prreviously on Gossip Girl, Juliette had a big plan, and was aware of Serena’s tryst with the prof, and he was her cousin, but she somehow loved Nate still.

Blair masturbates in her bed, or at least that's what I'm given to believe, given that she's smiling beatifically. But instead of Dorota bursting in, it’s Serena, with issues. Surprise.

Aaugh! Little J in credits!

Serena is sad because of something that vaguely has to do with Colin or school. Do you think she thinks she will graduate, even a little?

NEVERMIND, Chuck was just under the covers! No wonder B was smiling! They swear they'll never do it again. I swear off pizza while eating pizza. I mean, please.

Dan offers to steal Vanessa soap from his stepmother’s house. First of all, that’s a hint, and second of all, they are never having sex again.

They talk about Colin Forrester's book, boringly.

They whine that nobody likes them anymore.

Juliette steals...a security camera? From somewhere? Colin is all "don't talk to Ben in prison". Juliette doesn't believe he did it. But everyone else does including his lawyer.

Ben threatens her idly. Because he can't be late for class while he's threatening people.

Dan and Rufus gossip over where Serena might be. Rufus' advice? Just "take her for coffee". Great, Dad.

Nate and Chuck catch up, lying to each other, outside the building. Chuck references hate sex a lot. Then Blair arrives. This ends here. Except that means secretly, in a park.

I love them together so much. Her face lights up!

Serena and her guy are being chaste in a cab. And more so because she wants to take him to the ballet. He's all, let’s just go away for the weekend, in 'separate rooms'. Serena is "packing in her head", which makes me want to joke about valuable real estate.

Serena avoids Dan but sees Blair and Chuck getting it on. Yaaaay!

Juliette has footage the Dean will want to see.

Nate's hair is confused at the poncy doorman who says ain't no Juliette ever lived here, ever in life.

School, in a really tackily wallpapered set. Blair still has afterglow, as Serena gleefully glees that Blair is sleeping with Chuck. Or, maybe she totally wants them to stop. But why?

Levi Johnston references. Sure. As though Blair would call him anything but cro magnon man.

B hilariously accuses S of never getting a tan line. Amazing. B can stop anytime she wants, but S is a weak willed slut. Paraphrasing, but not by much.

B fakes calling Chuck to break it off. Nobody buys it.

Nate comes over, so confused. Can Vanessa help him figure out what’s going on? Spy mission!

S accuses D of having "mad face". Her sweater is delightfully distracting, and I tune out Dan's sanctimoniousness about Colin quitting teaching.

Blair and Chuck have sex in a limo, followed by Chuck instructing his limo driver to buy one million condoms, while Blair asks Dorota to help perform a Bass-sectomy. Delicious.

Ooh, Serena, he wants to take separate flights, he doesn't love you. This makes me think of wanting to see the intersection of Bridget Jones and Serena.

Nate and Juliette talk about nothing. "Why do you need to lie about everything?" Juliette is poor and hilariously shows Nate a dress with the tag still on.

Woodbury Common reference! Except Juliette would never actually go there because it’s all Calvin Klein and Coach. Trust me.

Nate believes in second chances, y'all. Who thinks Vanessa is going to be pissed about this? They're going to the ballet too, which I'm content to use as a metaphor for "not having sex".

Vanessa snoops in Juliette’s place, ignores Nate's warning, and finds the pics of Serena. Ugh, Vanessa, please go back to making exposes or whatever. Please?

Blair, bubble bath, ignored call from Chuck. Bon bons. I can't take all these euphemisms in one place. S walks in in a silk robe and the boyfriend’s forced to watch this show get really excited.

Serena and Blair stay strong. Yay for them.

Okay, Juliette outlines her life for Colin who doesn't care. Exposition about Ben - he used to be a teacher. Now he's a 26 year old convict. J won't talk to him anymore, she promises.

Now they're flirty, as if you didn't know that was coming. Disgusting.

Chuck in Blair’s bed, silk robe. He says f-ck the attraction to death, B says no. Dorota does intervene, then implies she beat the KGB. Yessss, Dorota. Blair goes downstairs to the professor.

Serena straight up tells Dan he's boring, and drags him to the ballet.

Blair hears that Colin quit teaching for S, and drags him to the ballet. If you're keeping track, eating a macaroon is currently a euphemism for satisfying your vagina. Not joking.

Vanessa blithers something truly, truly maddening about foursquare as she blithely squats at Juliette’s. She was digging in Juliette's house.

So now Vanessa has an agenda about ruining Serena? Um, ok.

Gossip Girl has a terrible line about something going digital. GG? You are 20. Your whole life is digital.

Ballet! Outdoors and pretty, but I stand by my statement, Dan wades through women in pink to Serena in utterly inappropriate and utterly gorgeous outfit. It’s like black Christmas tinsel wrapped around her ass, amazing.

Dan and Nate lazily catch each other up. It’s boring. Colin says all the right things, and I don't know what were supposed to think of Blair's dress, but I want her to take it off, and not just because she could be sleeping with Chuck.

Dan is hurt as Serena and Colin kiss.

Blair borrows Serena’s story as her own, and Chuck is like 'please, you can't stay away from me'

Vanessa's bland pink dress is the best of all the bland pink dresses.

The deadened way Vanessa unveils her plan makes me think they're writing her as a sociopath, which I really love. Nate's hair is worried.

Serena and Dan, he's all "no kidding, I'm second best? For real?"

Ballet kickoff. Vanessa jumps the Dean. Juliette jumps Vanessa. We are now in a hilarious situation where Vanessa is the eviler one.

Vanessa rips down any chance of confidence or happiness that Juliette has and makes her be the one to show the photos to the Dean.

Juliette shows the photos to Dean by holding up the memory card, like as if Dean has digital scanning eyes.

The evil stepsisters in bad dresses attack the Dean who is like "can I not just watch the goddamn ballet?" Everyone comes over including Colin, which, has Juliette not thought about how he's going to cut her off?
Dean is like "come on now, Serena? You could do better, Colin. Also, please leave me alone."

Blair neatly disposes of the whole conflict in about five seconds by saying she slept with Colin. It’s actually delicious how cavalierly she exerts her powers. When Chuck arrives, she isn't even mad because she is so utterly chill in this situation.

Chuck allows that he stalks Blair constantly.

The Dean literally, awesomely, says "who are you" to Vanessa, which makes me giddy.

Juliette is reprimanded by the Dean, Serena continues looking breathtaking, and Vanessa actually has the audacity, the temerity, to look at Serena with puppy dog eyes. Blair remains proud of herself, though.

Colin can't believe Juliette took pictures of him. He cuts her off, which seems to me a large lack of foresight. Team awesome force comes out and screams at her. Nate is silent, obviously. They banish her from Columbia.

Gossip Girl says something about Black Swan, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

In a limo, Colin is sorry, so that's nice. Serena explains that everyone hates her because she's perfect. She's also perfect because somehow she is over him now, inexplicably? She went through all that, for what?

Oh wait, now she is going to CALL DAN. But NATE is on call waiting. She can do so much better than these two, always and forever. But I will always choose annoying know it all over foppish and stupid. Serena isn't sure, however. How about an actual grown up?

Blair and Chuck in the foyer. So many sexual euphemisms, I hope Blair grows out of this soon. Which is better, winning or sex? They debate. Then they get mushy. Chuck suggests they're friends. Blair is amused and annoyed at the idea. They hug. They're in loooooove! Now they kiss in front of a fire. Then he scoops her up. I'm not saying you have to have a sex life that conforms to TV or anything but this move is hyped exactly the right amount.

Juliette is on the Internet, talking to someone who might share mutual enemies, and she looks nude, and no wonder, because she’s sky ping with Little J while Vanessa leans over stoking Juliette's thigh, and I'm only half joking.

This might be an opportune time to tell you I was Taylor Momsen (though I also accepted "Jenny Humphrey" ) for Hallowe'en. It went over huge. Huge!

As for Meester (attached) at the Country Strong premiere...you know you have to not go basic black, because her GOOPness is in basic black, and you may as well emphasize how much younger and riskier you are, but wrapping yourself in see-through burgundy boucle as an effort to semi-compete with all the nude brunettes this week is not actually a plan.

I still love her though...

Photos from Rick Diamond/Gettyimages.com