Written by Duana

At long last, a chance for me to shut up a little. For those who are new to the GG recaps, they involve me talking about these people in Twitspeak. Which is what they would want.

GG has been off the air for approximately a year. (Not really). Previously, Nate was banging Raina (or ‘liked her’) and Chuck was hurt; Thorpe’s wife died in a fire that Bass’ father set; Blair and Dan Kissed; Lily admitted forging Serena’s signature; Thorpe threatened Lily, she shuffles off to confess; and a Baldwin thinks she doesn’t know what she’s getting into.

Morning. Paparazzi. NY1. Not Lynda Lopez though. This newscast continues as:

Blair has taken to her bed. Issues her lines about Dorota leaving her alone from under her sleep mask.

Dan has no messages. Remember when they called him lonelyboy?

Raina and Chuck meet each other in bathrobes in the kitchen. She takes tiny rich-people glasses of juice to Nate.

Raina realizes this is all because her father is megalomaniacal. And or her fault. Nate is cold comfort.

Raina’s dad calls. “Everything could change.” She leaves the room.

Serena’s. She gets swarmed by reporters in her odd coat. S calls Chuck to come for brunch. Everyone will be there. He doesn’t care. Only wonders why B won’t talk to him – is she seeing someone else? S laughs this off.

Lily is on TMZ. How embarrassing. Baldwin Van Der Woodsen tells them to ‘deal and move on’. Rufus pretends to be a man. He and Baldwin swing dicks. Hooray!

Hilarious grandmother Cece interjects and has gotten much more British since last time. All these old people onscreen are going to make the CW explode. Predictable joke about how good Lily’s hair is in her mug shot.

Plot Device! A ‘Taschenboat’? Oh, probably a ‘T Something is immortalizing them today’. S obliviouses in, Cece is excited to take a picture with “alllll of my girls.” Lily restrains herself from throwing juice in her mother’s hair.

Eric can’t handle being in a scene with so many old people so is at Dan’s. Eric’s surprised Serena didn’t call for help. She did, Dan says, but he’s not a doormat this week so he’s home.

Dan is 12 years old so must tell Eric his secret (after begging for ‘no laughter’) – he kissed Blair. Eric snorts through his nose. They debate the level of weird that it was. Eric zones in – Dan may like her. Scandal!

Bell rings. Dorota scurries in with a tray but Blair needs the Dr. She has a nineteenth century disease. Dorota passive-aggressives that Blair’s career will pick back up, invoking ‘Carmela from Sopranos’.

Epperly calls. She needs Blair to work on the book Serena’s going to be in. That was easy, Blair is peppy, and I covet her robe.

Epperly confirms to Chuck that it worked, Blair jumped at the bait. He says he can’t tell Blair she belongs in his world until she’s feeling powerful. And nothing says ‘power’ like a peon at a photo shoot.

Lily CAN’T BELIEVE Cece asked ‘Carol’ there without asking. It’s her sister – but Cece knew Lily would say no. Serena watches her parents fight with one another, amazed.

Carol arrives. She is someone. Dark haired. Bitchy at the outset. Eviscerates everyone and then the phone rings. Lily picks a fight about the ‘theme’ of the photoshoot. Lily wishes she would remember the ‘honor’ this brings to the family. You’d think it would be eradicated by, you know, legal scandal. Apparently not.

Serena informs that the book has cancelled the portrait. About time. Lily shifts.

S needs a cab. Doorman agrees. A short girl approaches. “Technically I’m your family.” Also a giant dork. After a few seconds Serena knows exactly who she is. She says Charlie and Charlotte both so perhaps there’s confusion? This person’s mother doesn’t know she’s here.

Eric’s home. Baldwin Van Der Woodsen would be happy to make a phone call and get the ladies back in the book. He hands Rufus his balls wrapped up nicely.

Serena and Charlie pretend to eat pastry. Discuss the Yacht that Broke the Camel’s Back – wherein her mother didn’t allow them to see each other anymore. Charlie lists all the Van Der Woodsen’s ills and I hate her and her lame sweater.

Serena forgives her and wants to ‘show her this world’. Which means Barneys.

Home. Lily looks at pictures of her and Carol. Or pictures of the spinoff pilot that never was. Remember that? Lily and Carol bond over these pictures, then do their ‘audition dance’. Bonding!

Taschen photo schoot. Dogs. Epperley tells Blair Chuck will pose alone, Blair doesn’t flinch until Epperley’s soft and sweetness gets to her.

Blair says kissing Dan ‘changed her’ but doesn’t explain how. Epperley texts someone.

Blair storms over to …VANESSA! I hope they told Jessica Szohr she was going to have all this time off so she could have gone on vacation or something. Anyway, she’s a camera assist and not leaving.

Intermix. Charlie piles up with clothes. Does she have her own money? No, Serena is paying. That was pretty accepting of her. Serena hands over an heirloom necklace. Also in Intermix, Lily and Carol shop. Best of Friends! Their daughters appear. Charlie mopes “I can explain”.

Chuck at Dan’s. Thinks she is seeing someone at W. Explains about the ‘lifechanging kiss’ whereupon Dan’s ego gets in the way and tells Chuck it’s ‘nothing to mess with’. If Blair’s happy, maybe Chuck should let her be. Chuck has seen through this of course but doesn’t let on.

Outside loft, Chuck calls in ‘one more favour’ from Epperley.

Intermix of Mother Daughter confrontation. Carol worked hard to keep Charlie ‘away from this world’ so she wouldn’t become a socialite. Er, OK. She’s never lied to Charlie, and clothes are terrible. She makes her daughter take off the necklace.

Carol screams about Serena buying Charlie a thousand dollars of clothing. Carol storms around about her moral high ground. Lily leaves, icing Serena on her way. “You don’t have to come up”. When they’re gone Cece observes Carol still likes taking her money. Cece says she’s staying for the photo but Carol refuses. S hears all. Process, S, process!

Dan is in the book too. Up and Comers. Eric is skeptical but blames it on Blair. Tells Dan he likes Blair, which worries Eric. Then gets a call. He is expected at photoshoot too.

Dorota is suspicious of Blair’s glow and overnight bag containing La Perla. Blair’s going to tell ‘that certain someone’ how she feels, Dorota thinks Dan won’t notice. It confirmed that Blair loves Chuck. She’s given up on the idea that she needs to be powerful before joining him.

Dorota’s on Dan’s side to no avail. It’s time for B to tell Chuck apparently.

Intermix. Charlie returns clothes. Serena arrives. Charlie invokes her mother’s ‘sacrifice’, after which S proceeds to burst her bubble.

New York. Night. Apparently Baldwin Van Der Woodsen reframed the idea of the portrait – it’s now him and his children only. Cece looks perturbed. And Break!
Nate! (Nate?) finds Raina in the dark at home. She was asked to be in the Taschen book with her dad which made her realize family is important. They hug. No kidding.

Blair holds hands with red-haired twins. Looks repulsed. Dan arrives. He’s ready for his picture. “Up and Comer section”. Blair scoffs. No such section. They determine Chuck did this to humiliate Dan.

Lily loves how beautiful Serena is as they get ready for the photo shoot. Isn’t there some house arrest here? Carol storms in. Charlie is missing. “One day with [Serena]” and she’s obviously swinging from chandeliers. I also like when people say “She doesn’t’ know this city”. Does she know how to hail a cab and say a hotel name?

S drops her bomb – that she told Charlie about Carol’s money. Lily is shocked. Her sister wouldn’t come because she cared.

Blair chases Chuck, this was all him! He set all this up! Chuck wanted Blair to see Dan’s not part of this world. Er, isn’t she working at this world rather than being photographed in it? Anyway, Chuck knows they kissed. Blair says Chuck kisses lots of people, says the kiss meant nothing, right Dan? Dan spits, yes. Chuck is called a child.

Rufus confronts Baldwin Van Der Woodsen. He’s a jerk and should fix it before Lily finds out. Epperley demands everyone sit and shut up. But they’re arrested by the sight of Serena in really, a ridiculous, ridiculous stripper pageant gown. Sorry.

Anyway, you know who wants to be in the picture? Little Charlie. Here she is! Her short white dress is inappropriate! Yay!

Carol arrives to photo shoot. Epperley yells that this photo is only for Baldwin Van Der Woodsen and children. He groans for the ninetieth time that he didn’t do this. Serena groans with the weight of keeping her head upright.

Blair sighs over a dress Diana once wore. Chuck wants her to wear it. They can build their futures together. Blair says Chuck’s not ready. Decrees it will take ‘years’. Okay, so season 6 finale then?

Baldwin Van Der Woodsen tells Lily he didn’t wreck the photo. Lily is only still giddy that her sister was taking mommy’s money all this time. She and Baldwin chuckle about it. Then they chuckle about going to jail because that will be hilarious!

Rufus comes in and eats crow because he discovered he’s a jerk. Or, apologizes.

Dan and Blair get soft with one another. You look nice, kiss meant nothing, blah blah blah. Vanessa is eavesdropping, of course. Leighton’s hair is Not Doing It For Her today. They say each other’s prince and princess is waiting. Dan looks at Serena. Vanessa holds her mouth.

Charlie yells at her mother for ‘protecting’ her. Carol wanted what was best for them. Charlie storms off to Serena and basically tells her she’s going to single white female her. They get Blair and prepare to head off to gelato. Then watch Chuck get his picture taken alone. It’s melancholy, it’s true.

Morning. Charlie, on the floor (no, literally. Blair and Serena in the bed). She’s wearing a T-SHIRT so you know she’s country. Oh pardon me, I think it’s a Constance Billard shirt. Even better. Charlie touches things. Puts on Louboutins. Delighted.

Lily reading Martha Stewart’s book. Nice touch. Carol enters. No word on the sentencing? Lily scrubs some salt in the wound, calling Carol a giant hypocrite. I love how these two came from the Valley. As If.

Discussion of who rejected who and who wanted whose approval. About as riveting as you might think. Two adults alone in a scene – sound the CW Batsignal! Jokes about pot brownies.

Serena and Charlie, wrapped in coats. Charlie needs to make her own decisions about (I assume) staying in New York. S skips a call from Vanessa –

…who is calling to say that Dan kissed Blair. God, V, don’t you have any self-respect? Move on from these people! Don’t you know you can fly? (tm Bossypants)

Eric and Baldwin VDW are making waffles. Lily is impressed. Serena and Charlie arrive, Charlie spits out that she’s going to stay. Lily agrees but Carol says she’s not ready for this. Serena is smug, because all things work out.

Carol stammers – Charlie left college because…nevermind. Oh, here we go. Carol needs someone to watch Charlie closely, and Lily promises. I give myself a diaphragmatic hernia from laughing.

Nate and Raina. She’s awake. She’s thinking about her mom. She wonders if her mom is still out there. Nate thinks she could look. Maybe they could turn on a light too?

Dan arrives with Cece and Rufus. Then Laurie Sim arrives. I guess this is the family portrait happening. Oh yes, it is. Dan and Charlie meet. She makes eyes at him. Carol looks nauseous. Children get placed and kissed in photographs.

Somewhere, Jenny Humphrey’s nose is violently itchy.
Taschen photos seem too pop-art and constructed.

Chuck looks at his pic. He’s alone.

B wants to know why she can’t be a princess since her hair is better than Kate Middleton’s. Today, beg to differ.

A guy gets out of a limo with a shoe. It may have been Blair’s old prince? I dunno.

You guys, I really hate Vanessa.

(Attached – Penn Badgley shirtless at Coachella. And ew.)

Photos from Flynetonline.com