Written by Duana

Previously on Gossip Girl, Dan Met Cousin Charlie, her mother didn’t think it was a good idea that she stay in New York, Pathetic Vanessa called Serena to say Dan kissed Blair, Dan confronted Bart Bass for setting a fire in his own building, Thorpe tells Chuck a security guard was trying to save his wife in the burning building, Raina is beginning to understand her dad’s a liar, Lily called the DA’s office on herself, Chuck wants to make a life with Blair but she’s not interested. Also, she met a prince in Paris and apparently left her pump with him to find her.

Pump goes into a box. Men pass it to one another, someone passes to Dorota. Blair wears them, looks for dress. B flies into S’s room to raid her closet.

Meanwhile, poor Lily can’t get dressed over her ankle bracelet! Sad! S, B, & C ate their way through the UES and now Lily needs them to help tidy. They react like she said “commit murder”. S passes on this via “I to talk to Charlie privately.”

Loft. Rufus doing taxes. UGH. Invites Dan to come over and be boring but Dan has a job today. Addn’l reporting for a ParisMatch story. I’ll spare you – he has to follow B’s prince. Rufus thinks it sounds great. Then tells Dan to call V. Ew, why? Or HOW ABOUT HIS SISTER?

Dorota and Blair continue looking. Louis calls, checks Chuck is not in the pic. Also, he wants not to be seen, so no parties. Penelope and friend come over, get dissed, scheme to see who she’s dating.

Serena explains Gossip Girl to Charlie. Who is plain DUMBFOUNDED. They look for evidence that Blair & Dan kissed. There’s some, then a tweet about B’s hot date today. S wants to scheme “UES Style”. Ugh.

Prince enters Veselka. Dan sees. Charlie interrupts Serena searching on Gilt to inform that Dan is ‘weird’. Wants Serena to come see for herself but she can’t, she’d be ‘spotted’. Obvs. Blair pulls in next and Charlie informs.

B and D run into each other, confirm they are just friends. He watches her kiss the prince. Then leaves. Charlie misses Dan leave, because she is dumb. S is mad. Which for her means she bites her lip.

Ooh, S has shifted herself down to Veselka! Goes to confront Blair &…Louis! B fills her in, then says S can’t tell anyone. S gets it. I have to say, Blake Lively makes even annoying dialogue sound sweet and charming.

Outside. Serena spills the beans to Charlie who is annoyed/perturbed that she didn’t see Dan, when she knows she did. Looks on Gossip Girl to see where Dan is.

Hotel. Raina and Nate and breakfast. Raina knows her mom’s name is Avery and she was 22 when Raina was born. R hides everything from Chuck, doesn’t want him to know. PS, Chuck has single malt for breakfast to take the edge off the coke. Hi kids!

Nate and Chuck life-partner that they should tell each other what’s going on. Nate leaves, Chuck finds carelessly dropped photo, then snoops to find Raina’s gift cret.

Dan calls Vanessa. Informs he’s mostly calling her because Dad says so. They will meet for drinks later. He really has cheekbones. (He quit reporting because was conflict of interest.)

Nate’s mom! At Lily’s house. The committee isn’t coming to do gift bags. Sigh. Lily snaps at Rufus that she’s fine. Food is carried out to gift bag central.

Nate implores Chuck to ‘talk to him’. Chuck says he saw what they’re doing and Raina can’t look for her mom, it’s bad news. Nate is malleable so says OK. Then Chuck gets on phone to find out if Avery did in fact die that night.

Blair’s. She stopped off for a cardigan. Really, B? You couldn’t hit a Banana Republic for five minutes? Louis is distraught. Has been found out. Parents are furious. They don’t approve of Blair because she’s a commoner.

Louis explains it was Dan who outed them. B says she can fix this. Calls Dan. “Meet me at Paul Smith in half and hour, you know why and should be ashamed”.

Charlie appears behind Dan. GG calls Dan a ‘cheater’. Really?

Paul Smith. Dan explains he had ethics. B explains that was one of Louis’ people tracking him. B is doing a plan to look like dating Dan, so Louis’ people won’t worry about her and will go home.

Dan says is a terrible plan, but they don’t want to tell Serena. So, OK. Charlie snaps pics from outside. I wouldn’t mind if she didn’t look like Juliet’s younger sister. SO confusing.

S and Eric figure out movies that will cheer their mom up. Rufus mutters that if the party would move Lily would be able to go. They have some blackmail on party organizer. He hit on S. S won’t blackmail until Charlie sends pic of B and D together. Then is all in.

Depressing hotel suite. Raina tells Chuck her PI thinks Mom is in Jersey. She’s heading out. Chuck wonders if she wants him to come. He’s been through this. She really hopes it’s her mom.

Blair explains Pink party plan to Dan. The pink is nauseating. Twisted plan because now party is at Lily’s. Dan’s all “In front of everyone?” B not worried.

Pink party. Pink champagne. Spare me. Charity need not be cloying. Lily is in her element swanning around. Serena and Charlie wear dressed up-and-down versions of a similar dress. S dismisses some diamonds as “Sorry-I-slept-with-the-au-pair” earrings. Charlie…still a bit wooden.

Anyway, w.r.t D and B, Serena says they’ll need to slip away at some point, then will be found.

B outlines roughest part of her plan to Louis. HE seems perturbed.

Lily is delighted party going so well. Rufus & Eric chuffed with themselves. Two bitches walk by, call her ‘an embarrassment’.

Penelope and friend want to know about B’s boyfriend. Blair shoos them away, then tells Serena and Charlie. I hate Charlie at this point, as she snots they’re not talking, and that Dan has a ‘really nice tie!’

S is alarmed B is lying to her face. Charlie thinks she wasn’t lying – so Serena tells her to flirt with Dan.

Jersey, we assume. Diner. Raina has cold feet so Chuck takes lead, asking waitress Avery if she’s Raina’s mother. (Need I say Nate is mute?) Avery thinks it’s impossible – she’s never had a child. “It wasn’t in God’s plan”. Oy. Raina’s icy. As far as she’s concerned her mother is dead. Poor girl.

B gets text from Louis. Lucien is @ party. Goes to get Dan to deploy plan, screeches at Charlie for flirting, en route. Drags Dan away, snaps at Charlie again. Dan thinks she sure does like having to pretend-kiss him.

Louis and Lucien (yes, really), en Francais. Subtitles tells us Louis will get his bag and they can go, but Lucien says ‘wait’.

Charlie strides through party. Heads after D and B.

Lily thanks Ann for moving the party. Ann explains it was blackmail, and not to be naïve. Then says everyone took pleasure in Lily’s downfall. I mean, ouch! I like Kelly Rutherford’s neckline. Lily is devastated.

B & D descend stairs. Proud of themselves –it worked. But – it’s all over GG! Partygoers look and smirk. Eric looks appalled. Charlie looks guilty, obvs.

B is about to deny everything when sees Lucien, and says yes, it’s true.

S tells Louis B and D have been secretly seeing each other for months. Louis looks furious. Also, Lily gets in an elevator.

Chuck. More scotch. Nate is headed to Raina’s. Thinks she should keep looking. Chuck tells why Raina can’t keep looking – his dad might have killed her mom. Inadvertently, but, you know. Henchman enters apartment as Nate leaves.

D and B stride after Serena to swear it wasn’t real. Was only for Louis. S says what about the real kiss? (Damn, Vanessa vindicated. Also, did Dan ever call her to cancel?) They explain about Christmas. They were humiliated so couldn’t tell her. They explain how disgusted they were to kiss and are just friends.

Serena then hilariously says the following: “I’m sure glad you two found each other because you lost me”. Then says “I have to go” but they’re standing IN HER BEDROOM! She turns to what, fluff the pillows? Dan leaves, B apologizes. S accuses B of only wanting what is Serena’s. Then Blair admits she and Dan have a real mental connection. Then S throws down that B ditched Dan when B got access to a prince.

OK, lobby of building. Police arrive, tell Lily she’s under arrest for violating terms of ankle bracelet. Lily says she wants her apartment cleared out of obnoxious women & to be arrested is a small price. Safety Dance is playing, but GG calls Lily ‘smooth criminal’.

Rufus enters. Apologizes about the party. Lily is happy. She did need to think more about her behavior. Wants to watch 100 movies and never see those women again. She and Rufus mack.

Charlie @ loft door. Understands if Dan doesn’t want to see her but she is so sorry for recording him. Dan thinks was probably for the best. But C saw the kiss and thinks he likes B for real. D admits, because he’s an idiot, that she’s right and he can’t handle being just friends.

Then Charlie says S thought it was just V being a liar. Dan is shocked V sold him out. Then Charlie makes the long-winded head-for-the-door, knowing he will say (as he does) ‘you want to stay’?

Blair complains to prince that she committed social suicide. It was all a trick. Explains to Louis he’s the only man in her life. But he can’t go against his family unless they’re both in. Apparently all he needs is her saying she’s in, because gets out of car and kisses her in front of paparazzi.

S is on some website called “A tattler’s diary”, then calls Jean-Michel from Paris. S? Is that you?

Dan hands Charlie a beer and lets her go snoop in his office. Vanessa shows up at the door, and Dan starts to blow her off. She apologizes via saying “I knew if you were kissing Blair there must be something really wrong.” So no so much, then. Dan then spells out in horrifyingly crystal-clear language – “We are not friends anymore”. V leaves. Charlie emerges from office. Everything OK? Yep, and they clink beers.

Chuck with security guy. He has tapes from night of fire. One shows Bart argue w. Avery Thorpe, then she goes inside and he runs away. Security leaves, Chuck needs to watch for himself.

Poor Chuck….? This show has ceased to show me how these people’s lives have any impact on anything and I lost Blair back at the cardigan thing but – they’re pretty?

Attached – photos from next week’s episode. S at war with B. Again.