Written by Duana

A new GG! Here we go! I’ve been having such fun with this – thank you for indulging me and not getting bored with it! Photos below of Blake Lively shooting the show last Friday, yet another masquerade ball.

Chuck and Fleur are delighted to be papped and attend things like ribbon cuttings. Gossip Girl is sure this is because Fleur’s lady bits are so wonderful they make Chuck do crazy things.

Dorota tries to hide this news from Blair, who reads PopEater in bed. We learn Susan Lucci lives across the hallway in 8H. Trivia Game!

Serena’s sparkly micromini makes anything she says about Blair being the bigger person kind of irrelevant. She promises Fleur isn’t that bad a person.

Blair lectures Serena on reading gossip on Nate and Dan. As though Gossip Girl worries herself about Dan. Serena implies she can just…date them both.

Blair’s good line “or you’ll die hitting refresh” is basically The Social Network all in one line. Take note, Sorkin!

Serena uses about nineteen French words to imply she and Blair should be fine.

We’re in DUMBO. And it’s hard for me to hear that she thinks Dan’s not eating when Jessica Szhor is so very, very thin.

She begs Dan to take a shower, and he refuses. I could swear we had this same plot last week. Rufus and Lily enter – Rufus has clearly had his haircut reissued by Lily and isn’t happy about it.

Chuck’s nice to servants now! A man named “Ivan” has a British accent.

Juliette bland-colours her way into the Bass Place. Chuck’s in purple but with a marigold when he says he’s giving five million away.

Nate furrows his brow that Juliette is hard to make plans with. He is utterly flabbergasted at the idea that Juliette might be screwing someone else.

LilFus and Vanessa make Dan admit that he will take a shower, but Dan swears he doesn’t care about the missing kid that was once his. He absolutely is kidnapping that baby still.

Serena wears a cotton blazer like I might’ve in grade 8 as she ‘stays home for the day’ and lectures Blair. Then Dan greases over to walk. If these two get together they will just be so dirty…

At Cartier, Blair sees Fleur HOCK HER WATCH! Intrigue!

Blair goes to Chuck’s, where the Red couches remind me more of Ikea than anything else. There’s a bad scheme/scone rhyme. Fleur enters Blair’s lair and sits down for tea.

B tries her best to make F squirm when she points out she hocked the watch. But wait! It’s Ivan, busy getting his SAG card, who needed the money!

Blair pouts at her plan having not worked at all. Fleur has the grace not to smirk openly at Blair, but I’m sure it’s coming.

Dan and Serena walk in ‘Nature’ while she wears a really incredible bracelet. B is on the phone – also outdoors! Begging Serena to help her.

Find B at a puppy pound, trying to befriend Fleur. Fleur is really just hoping this girl will eventually go to school so she can ignore her and do her business in peace.

Nate is still utterly confounded that a girl might actually lie to him.

Dan and Serena take Blair’s bait, or ‘Clues’, and use it as an excuse to smarm about how much they love each other.

Fleur’s story is actually setting my teeth on edge. I don’t buy it either. Get her, B!

More Dan and Serena. He googles on her NotAnApple and they pretend he did something good.

Serena is utterly delighted that Dan lied to Vanessa for her. More so when he opens right up with “I’m not over you”. Not one with the subtlety.

Intrigue! Nate – Juliette! Are you lying to me? He puts the words one in front of the other in such a …linear fashion! I feel proud.

Wait, now Vanessa’s at Nate’s? Looking for Dan. Uh no.

Blair busts Dan and Serena together – but is delighted to find out that Fleur/Eva (I might concede to calling her Eva, at least part time) is a prostitute!

This would be a better revelation if it didn’t allow Dan a grody line about Fleur getting licked.

B’s face couldn’t be more delighted. Then she kicks Dan out which makes my face delighted. Serena tells Blair not to ruin Chuck’s night as though she thinks she would do anything else.

Blair basically tells S she has to work harder to get Dan back, which will involve a dress. Are we really understanding that people imply Serena has to do anything to get a man?

Rufus is FURIOUS that Dan is stepping out on Vanessa. I’ve been saying it for years – let Rufus and Vanessa start a commune together, it would be great if Dan had slept with his own stepmother, wouldn’t it?

Nate freaks out at Dan. “I can’t lie to people!” This is because …this is true. Nate gets extra-special pouty pants when Dan says he was working with Blair and Serena.

Wait, now Juliette and Vanessa? I don’t…they are talking? Vanessa looks 40. And is breaking my heart as she just kind of…hopes Dan will get better.

Juliette says confrontation is the way to deal with Serena. She means “Scream at the bitch.”

Nate TOTALLY steals Blair’s thunder by pointing out Fleur’s a whore. Chuck’s like “Yeah, and?” Except when Nate leaves it’s clear he totally didn’t know! Maybe.

I love how this show doesn’t bother calling the charity thing anything except a ‘charity thing’. Dan’s going with Serena in her Sela-Ward-Esque cut outs dress.

Fleur gets ready, Chuck looks mad. She’s all “you know”. And he responds by…I don’t know, closing a door? Literally, that’s all.

Gossip Girl’s been so silent this ep. I miss her. Juliette brings poor pathetic Vanessa into the gala. They search for Serena. There’s no way this can end in conflict now, is there?

Nate is texted by Ben. Sure. Oh wait, that’s Juliette’s phone. Blair’s blue dress is prom-esque and rather…not very good. She swans off to ruin Chuck’s night. He’s all “you don’t work very hard, you could have done a better job humiliating me”.

Blair calls Chuck a ‘fool’. I love that this weak-sauce insult has endured through the years.

Dan wrongly compliments Serena’s dress, then, turns around all “Oh hey Vanessa, this isn’t awkward at all”

Nate pouts that he’s taking his toys and going home. Juliette barely protests, ever.

Vanessa is furious that Dan chose Serena, and gets off a not-at-all heated up speech before storming off.

Blake Lively seriously cannot get the words “I feel terrible” out with any emotion whatsoever as she blithely grabs champagne. It’s kind of the best.

Blair’s disappointed Chuck already knew her terrible news. But she wanted to save him. But she can’t, it seems.

She eavesdrops on Chuck and Fleur being sweet to one another.

Someone with terrible bangs introduces Chuck who pretends he knows what he’s talking about with the charity. Then he decides he’s giving Fleur the money, and she can spend it on whatever charity ever!

Blair storms up to Ivan for some stuff Lily gave him in an envelope. Pulls out a passport that looks fake. This is going to be the important thing?

Blair feels sure she can’t break Chuck’s heart, but tells him to go looking for sh-t in Fleur’s suitcase that implies she stole his passport. Why why why don’t we get to see this stuff? Instead I had to watch Blair and dogs? Really?

Nate pouts at Serena, who’s marking time by flirting while she waits for Dan. Who’s wearing all Black. Sure.

Blair follows Chuck to see him find the true passport in a purse. And of course, Fleur shows up. She gets all ready to wiggle out of it. Chuck calls her a straight-up liar and she more or less admits it. Well, or she doesn’t protest.

Then tells her she doesn’t get to take any of the pretty clothes he bought her when she lets the door hit the ass on her way out.

Chuck twists the knife with B telling her nobody good could love him.

Dan and Serena log a series of texts that happened in the past as a substitute for dialogue. He walks off. What…..?

Lily gives Chuck the information to know that Blair framed Fleur, and he takes off. But then why didn’t she protest harder??

Chuck tells her he’s sorry. Calls her ‘pure and perfect’ which might call into question her old profession.

Fleur says B has a stranglehold on Chuck. He begs her not to leave but she knows, like we do, that he’s meant for Blair. She does that weird thing where you essentially kiss someone’s eye socket.

Juliette tells Nate, in a diner, that “Ben” is her brother. That he causes problems. Nate squints, trying to discern if she’s going to smile pretty and let him off the hook or not. They head to her apartment.

Dan, at home, looking for his phantom baby. It ain’t there. Vanessa, boxing up her stuff. But she has nowhere to go. Pout. Dan’s heart is broken. Vanessa and Dan in a sexless embrace.

Serena, on her bed, rejected yet again, as usual. What is happening here, exactly? Those boys would drop both girls they have to share her. We know this.

Chuck comes to see Blair. He’s standing with the stony silence of someone with something to say. He calls her “despicable”.

Chuck is all “Blair, say you love me and we’ll be totally quits”. She can’t do it. She hates him. OF COURSE SHE LOVES him. She hates him.

Chuck says this means war. Whee! Then four words I can’t discern after repeated viewings.

Juliette’s. The doorman slips her a key, says the owners will be back tomorrow.

Chuck’s. His speaking valet Ivan is about to get clocked. Oh, no – fired.

Blair and Serena cry on the bed in gowns. I mean, isn’t that all we really need from this show?

Photos from Bauergriffinonline.com