Written by Duana

(Lainey: Attached – Blake Lively topped Askmen.com’s list of Most Desirable Women. Apparently 5 million dudes voted and were asked to consider “intelligence” among the desired attributes. Am attaching a series of photos that I think illustrates Blake’s intelligence.

Also… Minka Kelly came in at Number 99, even though Esquire just called her the Sexiest Woman Alive. Do male desires generally fluctuate so wildly? Click here for the full list.

Without further interruption, this week’s Gossip Girl recap is below.)

Previously on Gossip Girl, Serena really took the whining to a whole new level, and was really mad at mommy. Chuck was really interested in Rena Thorpe, whose father was going to buy Bass Industries. And something EONS ago about Zegers and Eric. Here we go?

Morning over Manhattan. It’s cold. Which is why Rena Thorpe is pulling on fishnet stockings. She and Chuck smarm about dirty in bed clean in business, and roll around again. So that didn’t take long.

Eric wants to meet Serena for breakfast, but she is busy outdressing and outskinnying Blair in their (shared? Really?) bathroom. Seriously, is it weird camerawork, or what?

Blair has a secret internship, she won’t tell Serena where. Which is pretty amusing. Serena pretends she knows what donuts are. Reference to a party tonight, of course. Serena makes an incorrect reference to Don Draper.

Dan thanks Lily for pulling strings for him to get an internship. She calls him one of her children, but still refers to him as ‘Daniel’. That’s love. She complains about S and E’s lack of love.

Serena and Ben have breakfast. He says he wants to move to a farm. He is going to hit her up for cash, guaranteed. Or, he’s going to leave the restaurant and stare in the window of the help wanted sign.

Dan and Blair flirt along the road. I KNOW it’s cold in New York right now, why is she wearing tights? They argue about which cultural deliciousness in the city is most non-missable, fluff each other up for mystery internships, and make plans for Sunday. Basically, they’re adorable.

(Also, you know I’ve been calling this for months – years? – though I did always think it would be in Senior Year. Still, I’m claiming the points.)

Zegers and Serena on the road. He’s all “So did those drugs I sold to Juliette harm you at all?” She is kind of mean and he appears to be having a crisis of conscience.

Blair is interning at W magazine. They reference “Devil Wears Prada”. I kind of wish she had been placed anywhere but a fashion magazine, but it does mean that we get to see her get outbitched by four other girls – and of COURSE, Dan walks in. I guess those strings Lily pulled for him aren’t very long, poor boy.

Johnathan shows up to Lily’s house. Wait, what? She grinds the salt into the wound about his breakup with Eric, then says Eric and Elliot (WHO?) are attached at the hip. JOHNATHAN gossips that Elliot dumped Eric and Lily, hilariously, cluelessly mother-of-the-years “But he slept there last night!” I love her.

Eric is at Zegers’. There is coffee.

Serena cabs to a grotty neighbourhood, and actually talks to a transient man on the street. He’s all “yes, your friend lives here.”

Blair and Dan bitch at each other among the interns. She tries to sink Dan’s ship, which of course means the hilariously well-cast intern boss, ‘Emily’, gives him a column. Some things never change.

Eric calls his mother “Lily”, and demands to talk to tattletale Johnathan alone. Confusing-ass talk about who dumped who, then the strummy guitar and Eric gets emo. Johnathan worms his way into a date to the W party tonight.

W magazine. Fashion is HARD, ya’ll! Blair tries to sabotage Dan. They have a bitch-off in the shoe department. Blair sinks another intern with a perfume flavoured coffee. Dan and Blair hilariously dive for a stapler and EVEN MORE HILARIOUSLY she distracts him with “oh look! There’s Georgina’s baby!”

I will say that this behavior is relatively true among interns and that those who make super-BFFs with everyone else at the intern table should maybe incorporate a touch of this into their lives.

Nate’s on this show! His Dad got a job! Financial adviser to what’s-his-name, Thorpe. His father literally comes home long enough to tell him this and then leave.

Chuck appears to be informed of this news. These boys look too clean shaven. Did someone switch to straight-razors?

Dan doesn’t work while watching Blair stuff bags. They eavesdrop on a writer cancelling out. They set up an inexplicable competition of who can bring a writer to the party tonight. i.e. WHAT? Just flirt already.

Serena comes over to find Eric and Lily is all “he’s brooding”. She then makes a GIGANTIC deal about not opening an envelope full of cash – which she apparently left for Ben, who rejected it. So principled, all these people!

Back, and Serena’s still pouting. She’s sad about Ben being paid off. Lily’s all “WHAT’S WRONG WITH WHAT I DID?” She rolls her eyes a lot. I cannot help but LOVE her when she’s all Mommy Dearest like this.

Eric texts the person we’re supposed to think is a drug dealer to meet him NOW.

Blair and Dan bitch about their authors. Let’s say Dan wins this round.

Chuck goes to bitch at Rena Thorpe, who apparently only owns dresses in jewel tones. He’s like “don’t hire Nate’s dad!” but she swears it’s all above board. I can’t help but be utterly distracted by Chuck’s baby’s bottom face. Rena’s all “I have a meeting”. Why was she in her apartment in the afternoon anyway?

Blair and Serena dispatch with the worries about Ben soon, and then get to the real problem – She loves Dan and also he is taking her spotlight. Serena is cute and acknowledges with a smile Blair’s adorableness and tells her not to espionage. “Let Ben Go.” “Let Dan Be.” Dan brings her lunch.

Zegers meets Ben. One chastises the other but guess which? Ben is mad at Zegers for tattling on him about Serena all these years ago. He gets in two statutory rape jokes and then leaves with Eric. Ben calls Serena. Too many blond boys!

Dan kind of flirts with the intern boss, who’s all “I’m onto Blair, yo”. She plants enough doubt in Dan’s mind that he does what Blair didn’t and cancels her author. OHHH snap! Student becomes…protégé! Something like that!

Party! Eric tells Rufus his mother is a succubus. I love that Rufus’ three lines per episode are purely about defending Lily, poorly. Eric heads up to Zegers.

W mag. Blair’s at the door. Chuck enters, she looks beautiful. Duly noted.

Serena’s black dress is not as nice as Blair’s, but she’s happy to see Ben, who came. He’s all “I came because your brother is hanging out with Zegers.” Johnathan hasn’t seen him either. “Jenny Humphrey” is invoked as a synonym for ‘liar’.

Blair and Dan accuse each other of sabotage. As far as we know, only Dan did the horrible thing. Blair is irritated, but I wouldn’t say devastated or anything.

Chuck meets Rena, who introduces someone as being “in the film business” with the adorable condescension you might reserve for “She’s in preschool!” Chuck says something about the stakes are too high to take a chance on trust, which is awkward.

Zegers and Eric exchange items, Serena and Ben see. Zegers calls him ‘babe’, hilariously.

Blair calls Dan a classless clingon, he begs her not to go to Emily with a face that looks like a .gif waiting to happen, and she grabs his ugly mug and squeezes. They’re in love.

….or, they’re writing on the floor in the middle of an argument. The EIC Stefano literally walks over them. They get fired, and then continue to slap each other’s faces. More! More!

Nate is at home in his half-zip sweater still. Apparently he got his dad fired. Also, “Chuck is family”. Huh? Nate’s dad gossips that Chuck is banging Rena, pouts, and then invokes “All those nights in prison”. Nate somehow thinks it’s OK to take a 200K job away from his dad.

Blair and Dan pack their shizz up at W magazine. Dan thought her mother got her the job, but the revelation is that she worked hard to get it and faxed 336 fax machines. Dan’s response is “Well, then why didn’t you sabotage me first?” Greeaatt, Dan.

Serena and Ben lecture Eric, who is like “everyone back off, and PS, Ben, you’re gross.” Ben gets the moral line of the episode, but somehow this is about how everyone abandoned Eric in his time of need. So Eric does this big drama about he won’t see Damian/Zegers anymore, takes off, and then Rufus gets a line. He tells Serena that maybe Ben was behind Juliette’s endless persecution of Serena, who doesn’t care.

Oh, and Dan leaves a message for Emily to say Blair is good.

Rufus now pursues Eric, who took sleeping pills and Adderall only. I love that Rufus has taken on parenting about six different children. Ben is leaving the party, Serena, senselessly, wants to be friends with Ben still. He’s like “yeah, but I don’t find you attractive, though.” He barely gets it out without a choked tear, Serena looks confused.

Blair and Serena are in bed in silk pajamas, which I could watch all the time, when Blair’s phone rings, and Emily bitches her out for not showing up on time, and then Blair is blissful that Dan saved her ass and rushes out the door.

Serena, in case you were wondering, will be staying in bed.

Rufus meets Ben. This is helpful. These two look the same age. Rufus offers Ben the keys to his DUMBO loft. I wonder if Dan knows this? Or is he just getting a brand-new roommate/brother? Rufus doesn’t seem to care, and leaves the keys with Ben.

Nate, still in his sweater. OK, a different one, but still. His Dad has checked out of whatever hotel he was in.

Oh, but here he is, meeting with Thorpe. Something about Chuck Bass and how they were going to be nice to him but now they aren’t, or something?

Chuck shows up at Reyna’s house, she’s getting dressed with “film industry” in the background. Chuck APOLOGIZES to this girl. Apparently the UES is powerless to actual honesty. She kisses Chuck all smoldering while reminding him there’s a man in her bathroom.

Blair walks around the W offices, moons about Dan, wears neon magenta hot pants. She also smirks about Dan so hard that even Emily knows she loves him.

Serena and Rufus are delighted that Ben is going to live in the loft. Serena says he’s a good person.

Meanwhile, he threatens Zegers long and hard, as though Eric can’t get drugs anywhere. Zegers calls Eric to see if he wants to hang out. And young, susceptible Eric (this kid never ages!) says yes!

Next week, Blair and Chuck need each other, and apparently the intern boss is “Everly”. My bad! Xoxo!


Photos from Wenn.com