Written by Duana

And now for something completely different, if you read my FNL post earlier…

Gossip Girl here, to fill you in on the fact that Lily slept with the guy who bought Bass Industries, Blair is an intern boss for better or worse, and Serena has terrible taste in men. Yeah, I know.

Oh, it’s a Valentine’s episode. Serena, in knee socks, doesn’t want Blair to leave in her gold brocade blazer. S thinks it’s because B is avoiding Valentine’s Day. But Blair’s sitting out ‘V-Day’, accuses Chuck’s relationship of being fake, S is waiting for Ben to love her.

S wants B to play with her because S has no direction in life, but B needs to go ‘knock six months off the two year plan’.

Reyna and her dad go to meet the man she’s sleeping with and the woman he used to. Meanwhile, Lily and Chuck prepare for battle.

Dan and Ben. Duelling laptops. They’re both looking for jobs? Something about Ben read an article Dan wrote about Ben dating Serena. What? Dan advises Ben on how to date Serena, Ben instructs Dan to go stalk Epperleigh. OK.

At W, Blair is sort of presiding over an intern meeting but some other intern is also doing so? If Blair can get Reyna Thorpe to be an It Girl in the magazine, she’ll be hired. Blair chooses to do this by making Serena do her work for her.

Russell is trying to get Lily to admit she once banged him. Rufus is sitting mute beside Lily. She’s tapdancing. Reyna is proud of how all this is going.

Chuck is going to throw a party (of course he is) to prove Bass Industries has its own worth. This involves a mansion outside of the city, in some undetermined way. It is ridiculous.

Reyna’s dress is far-too-obvious red. Serena swans in, presents Reyna with a blackberry, and assumes Chuck’s not into Reyna. BUT HE IS – for this act, anyway.

Serena, in diaphanous coat, on phone to Ben, who still hasn’t gone out. She walks past Christmas decorations and we’re not supposed to know. Ben says he’s working, tutoring. Utter lie, since the truth is ‘catering’. Scandal!

Okay so now ‘Archibalds’, as Chuck calls Nate and his Dad, come to say Thorpe is going to screw Chuck over. Dun dun DUN!

Serena and Reyna go shopping, Serena called out the secret stash of dresses. So is this Blair’s assignment or not? R wants a gold dress for Chuck’s party tomorrow, because now they care about each other, even though it used to be just the sex.

S SELLS OUT HER BEST FRIEND! Says B still has feelings for Chuck and Reyna’s going to screw her over! Reyna cancels being the starlet of the moment…

Dan storms into W, looking for Epperleigh. He and Blair screech at one another, he wants her to send his article to ‘Details’. Apparently they’ve been to five movies together. She calls his article a ‘fauxticle’.

Ben is going to do Martha Stewart’s catering for V-Day. Please say she’s on the show!

Reyna and Chuck on the phone. She fills him in that Lily left Thorpe for Bart Bass.

Eric and Dan at a schnitzel truck, which – nope. Eric would be weight conscious and Dan would have a stomach issue that would prevent it.

Eric says he wants to see Johnathan. Johnathan gets talked about more than any nonentity on this show, like VANESSA for example.

Eric is going to work for meals on wheels tonight. That’s nice. Dan swears he’ll convince B to help with his article tonight.

S covers over her LYING to Reyna by pretending her mom sent her a dress which is of course the one that Raina (new spelling!) sent over as a thank you for the advice S gave her. B finds out, obvs, and gets out her phone.

Chuck’s with Thorpe. He’s like “Yeah, Lily’s a whore and a beast. I’ll get her out if you want.” Thorpe’s like “Isn’t she literally your mommy?” Bass calls The Board together, and Thorpe promises he can have everything he wants.

B goes to work, S tries to seduce her. B can’t stay so S should go to Chuck’s party. Do we think this is going to go bad? I CAN’T WAIT!

Lily ditches Rufus’ lame romantic night to go battle with Chuck Bass. She’s going to go ‘deal with business’ in a backless dress.

Blair now wears a diaphanous cape. Calls the catering company to get Ben sent to Chuck’s party. Can you imagine if people couldn’t get this kind of thing done on this show?

Bacchanal. Feather pens. Chuck in a white bowtie. Renaissance paintings. Honestly the only thing that distinguishes this party from any other is that it has stairs.

Thorpe and Raina enter. These two might also be doing it. Sorry!

Blair is in silver. Wants her assistants to “get b-roll of the food and drink’. I love that maybe 10% of the audience even knows what that is?

Dan = you love me, run my article? Blair – I do, but I need to hurt Serena first.

She runs into S, sets her up in an interview for W, allegedly.

Thorpe and Lily butt heads. She thinks Chuck will see reason. I think her necklace is incredible.

Nate’s dad is, and I quote, the ‘worst wingman ever’. Nate’s dad says he’ll resign from Thorpe. No reaction.

Chuck brings Venice to Raina in the form of a gorgeous bedroom and a dinner for two, so – I’m not really sure how Venice that is, but hot. Do I even need to say her jewels are incredible?

Dan ogles Chuck and Raina kissing. Creeper.

Lily appears, Dan thinks about tattling on his maybe? Potential? Stepbro? I …it could really be challenging to figure out the connection.

Interview w. S goes on forever. Blair outs S as loving Ben, who is literally framed behind her in a cater-waiter outfit. She confronts him, he blows her off, Blair runs away with her crew.

“Venice”. Lily barges in. Raina is lounging on the bed. Chuck and Lily yell at each other. He tells her she’s emotional, like all women. He calls her both emotional and a cold b*tch at the same time. He basically says Lily adopted him for cash, then Raina tells him to quit it and leaves. Lily somehow has her head held high in this scenario?

Thorpe is like “too bad, Chuck, I’m going to screw you over. Did you think I wouldn’t? PS, Raina’s over you, hahah.”

Chuck advances to a growl in order to threaten Thorpe but he’s like “Believe me, my daughter and I have a weird connection, she’s more into me than you.”

Oedipal Euro towers. Blair and Serena confront each other in a monotone… B accuses S of screwing her over just because she was lonely. Among the insults, ’15 hours of class a week’.

S screwed B over because Chuck’s love for Raina is real. Blair’s retort is that she’s gonna go find him so she can prove his love is fake. Dan goes after her.

Thorpe and Archibald: dickswing. Archibald is fired, and looks dopey. Nate only ever gets to talk to his dad on this show.

“Venice” – Dan and Blair find it. Chuck and Raina storm in and B and D hide. Chuck tells Raina her daddy’s a bad man, and that she is sacred to him. She accurately points out he’ll like her until she makes him mad. Then leaves.

B and D hiding in the draperies. She’s heartbroken he cares for Raina for real.

She is a broken woman on a settee and he puts his hand on her knee. She really does look hurt. And just at the moment when she has decided to take him for what he is and hold his hand, he takes it away.

Apartment. Blair in silk robe, brings Serena a candy heart. S was right, Chuck and Raina were real. B attempts to apologize. But – didn’t S still lie to her? Also, these two both might have tiny widow’s peaks.

S and B debate whether they humiliated Ben, but apparently not, since he just texted her. That was, as predicted, easy. Blair on the other hand, gets a text from Dan, who is, oh, how sexy – rewriting.

Blair calls him late at night. She submitted him to Vanity Fair. After she read it, and thought it was good. She lights a candle as she listens to his velvet voice flowing through the phone and climbs under the covers.

OH MY GOD They watch Rosemary’s Baby together on the phone. They are basically When Harry Met Sally right now.

Nate, Nate’s Dad, and Chuck. This could be a sitcom spinoff, you guys! Nate’s Dad stole all the passwords Chuck could possibly want. Oh, and a keycard. Methinks Nate’s dad is a bit of a ‘Cool Mom’. You know?

Ben and Serena have a boring bland apology. Also, S will apologize for anything. She’s practically Canadian. They kiss. In a bar.

Blair and Dan in splitscreen. They ARE When Harry Met Sally. There is no way this is not a homage. They even make their sheets the same colour.

Eric, delivering meals on wheels. Some rando girl in a beret tells him a guy is waiting for him. Eric is expecting Johnathan, but oh – no, it’s Damian Zegers. Who is PISSED.

Zegers says he’s going to out Lily as a perjurer and send her to jail, unless….we don’t know. Because Eric gets marched away. I think it’s supposed to look menacing, but the way Eric shrugs away from him, it mostly looks like Damian is holding him by the ear…

Attached – Leighton Meester at Marc Jacobs for Fashion Week in New York.

Photos from Wenn.com