Written by Duana

Welcome back to Gossip Girl! It's been far too long since I cracked myself up to the tune of S and B's righteousnesses in short sentences. Ready to go?

Previously on GG, Nate's jailbird daddy is going to be his roommate, Serena found out Lily sold her out as a statutory raped teen, and was also buying Bass industries, she tried to drag Dan with her but he had to bang Blair. I -er - what?

NYC. Freezing. Dan is trying to make his floppy brillo hair work. He throws out his theatre ticket as GG intones about mistakes.

Blair wears a sweater with cuffs I know would chafe and does the same.

S returns with Louis Vuitton trunks, which, she would never. S couldn't find her judge. B moans about Serena's push up bra, and dodges an inquiry about her break clumsily. The question isn't whether she banged Dan, but how publicly.

S is all 'internship, whatever. Did you see Dan?' Blair chokes. S might still want him, decisions are still way beyond her.

Pop-y music. Nate in checked plaid. Chuck in a limo with silent girls. He needs a meeting somewhere with someone. Nate's dad plays Wii with French maids. Literally.

Dan mails a letter, Serena finds him on the street, Dan blanches at the mention of Christmas. These two are NOT cold enough. They also have nothing to say to each other. They can't muster the chemistry to fight.

Restaurant - Lily is at brunch. Zing!

Blair whines about an internship. Eleanor! She wants B to cop out and work at her company. Penelope looks like her outfit has scarlet fever and Eleanor is mad. B finds a way to scheme to meet her internship lady. Again.

Chuck smarms an assistant into getting him a meeting, she says she's a secretary. C pours his smarm out, she says he has 24 hours. Story engine!

Brady bunch, minus J Humph. Serena is a bitch, Lily parries back. Eric is forgotten, Rufus is blind faith. The food on is table, none of them would eat.

Dude, Lily actually told the judge to hide from S!

Serena tries to get Dan to feel sorry for her when Chuck sweeps up. He has a plan, and it all probably involves S in a bra. Anti Lily!

Chuck drinks what looks like Lysol. S is totally into blackmailing Lily. C knows what's in it...

Hilarious Nate subplot! His dad wants to run and play! Nate nags. Dad agrees to get a big fancy job. Nate is oblivious to obvious scheming.

Dan turns up to Blair. They argue about the movie they saw. They get in good barbs about who is more pathetic. (B wins). She lies to mom about wanting to work with her for the fitting today. Eleanor sends her to Blagojevitch. Blair schemes. Who again?

S and C wear camel coats to run a scheme. Dan, that loser, is late for his meeting for his internship. He's screwed! Even GG is anti Serena.

S and C page through the stuff in the safe deposit box. Chuck finds the court paper. Bing! PS. Her posing as his mom is turning everyone on, including Blake.

Chuck w. Real Lily. She pretends she isn't screwing him and uses the word 'impervious'. She logics at him, and he buys in. Do you believe that? He somehow looks 18 and 40 in this scene.

Fake Lily shows up to Blair, who lecturers her about mistreating Dan. Even Serena twigs at this. They blow past each other in charming winter wear. Then Chuck bails on the plan with Serena.

Lily! In a grey satin jumpsuit! Rufus! In not much of note! Eric! Trying to prove a point by staying home! This is gripping. Then exposition calls revealing that Lily was hosting the judge!

Eleanor finds out about B's duplicity despite Dorota throwing herself bodily in front of B's dream board.

Blair forces her way into Indra's hotel room only to find a note from Mom that basically says "Gotcha"

Brooklyn-where-nobody-ever-goes: (oh and did I mention that Vanessa moved "back to the dorms"?) S comes to Dan. He says it’s his own fault to miss his interview, which, YES.

Dan is trying to go to impress James Franco's agent. This is about to be gold. Or it would be if S didn't get a call from E. Everyone hates Lily! Dan sighs.

Party. Jazz. Shots of people you worry might be someone. Blair is shocked to see Serena, avoids her mother. Nate looks for his dad, who skipped his job intvu. Chuck finds the 'secretary' whose name is Raina. She's the VP of the company. Obvs. Her dad is the P, but they look about four years apart.

Her dad tells Chuck he would basically dance on his dad's grave, Chuck looks stupefied.

Lily comes to talk to Dan and is ambushed by Eric who is all "Like the judge's cufflinks I'm wearing?" Lily looks vaguely tired, and excuses herself to half heartedly look for Serena.

Blair and Eleanor have a very very quiet and waspy fight. Do you think this episode is about parents? Eleanor is hurt Blair doesn't want to be like her.

Serena's black jacket is so gigantic and so plain that there must be a plot reason for it. No?

Chuck and Dan change places and I didn't even notice. Dan tells her he's going to actually try to benefit his own life. Serena is like 'see ya'. Chuck worries with Lily. Serena gives up an envelope...

Lily is confronted by both children. But all Serena has is Dan's resume. Whon-WHONNN. Rufus is proud, and gets his third line of the episode. Lily irritatedly begs Serena to trust her.

Nate's dad skipped his job interview because it was for a janitor. Not sure that's ok.

Blair and Dan are magnetically drawn to each other. They spar, she looks beautiful, she confesses her fight with Eleanor. Dan tells her it's OK to cry about fashion. Or something. Strummy la la music, she makes him laugh. Get going!

Lily apologizes for lying to Chuck. The buyer is out because Lily can't control her kids. Really? She admits they are screwed. Thorpe announces he and Raina are moving to NYC and buying Bass Industries. In so many words says he's Lily and Chuck's enemy now.

Blair's dress is still pretty as she apologizes to Eleanor. Who totally understands, kind of. They bond over Blair's being a "dictator or taste". Eleanor tells her to be Anna Wintour. So...still in fashion then?

Serena reads in ugly tights on her bed. Dan enters. She apologizes, he says he's a doormat. She agrees, wonders why he hasn't given up on her? They are clinical in dissecting their pretend relationship. You think Penn and Blake broke up this cleanly? Short story: they're on hiatus for however long.

Nate calls his dad who's still in a tux, in a hotel. Dad is interviewing with Thorpe. Thorpe is SUPER HOT. But still only four years older than his daughter.

Dan and Blair flirt, she invites herself to see a movie with him in that dress, they both pretend they aren't giddy over this.

Serena goes to jail to see Ben, but his parole's been moved up. So...maybe Lily is good?

Lily drinks with Rufus' fourth line. Apparently Lily banged Thorpe awhile back. Intrigue?

Raina finds Bass, wants to apologize for duping him. As if he didn't love that. She sells out her dad, and says she and Chuck can keep business and pleasure separate. He buys this, inexplicably.

Serena and Ben meet outside jail. Fliiiirt. Ew, really? Has he even had time to shower?

Attached – Penn Badgley and his weirdly small face at Sundance on Sunday. (Lainey: I saw him today at a lounge. Zachary Quinto was there too. Needless to say, Penn pales in comparison.)

Photos from Jamie McCarthy/Gettyimages.com