Written by Duana

I’m sorry, but “Only Girl in the World” is already so tired. On the plus side, I like when we see messy-haired Blair. Birthday time!

Gossip Girl is worried Serena won’t show for the party because she’s with her professor. You actually mean to tell me she’s getting up on time to go to school?

Serena interviews professor, and is charmed by his rags-to-scam-artist story. The music is all dreamy soft/weird/echoey. But that might be due to the fact that Taylor Mommsen’s credit just came up on the screen.

Dorota beams at Eleanor, who’s back from someplace or other. She’s throwing Blair a 20th party. Which is the same night as Lily and Rufus’ anniversary. Standby for hijinks!

Cyrus sends B a book. She demands a ‘dramatic reading of page one’ from Dorota. Whaaa?

“The boys” stride down the street. Rufus tries to care about Dan’s lack-of-romantic life. Eric waits around for his line. And when it comes, it’s not really worth it. Rufus is about as dour about his anniversary as is possible.

Eric says he and Dan can seduce Chuck into helping get Jenny into the city, which will somehow make Rufus’ anniversary better? Because he can be reminded that second marriages don’t need children?

Nate and Serena demand that Chuck and Blair negotiate what is essentially a divorce settlement, and supervise as they divide up various hotels, fashion weeks, and restaurant hostesses. Whee!

Serena wears a bra only as she says the words “Strip clubs in the outer boroughs”

B and S sidebar, because Blair wants S to come to her birthday. Then accuses S of having had sex. Serena denies it, but you know, not with any real vigor. Apparently they flirt only during office hours.

Back to negotiations – B pours herself water? Wine? Both? I’m older than she is but I think it’s time for her to retire the headband. Not very sexy.

B dismisses the lawyers and wants to talk quietly – we discover the whole treaty is on Gossip Girl.

Dan mumbles as Eric impotently bitches that they need a plan to take people down. Dan gets overconfident, and the boys galumphingly eat apples as they decide to make life difficult for the birthday girl and I celebrate an entire act of the show with no Juliet.

Blair is wearing tweed especially for this occasion, as she and Chuck lament that they no longer have a reason to touch. Sad music, longing stares, divergent limos.

UGH SHE’S HERE. Juliet chases Serena through the streets, and correctly discerns that Serena is pre-banging her professor. The words “I would never put my academic future at risk” are dubbed in because Blake Lively could never get that out with conviction.

Juliet jellyfishes that he must be effing someone else. Which is conveniently confirmed by Serena seeing him with a girl in a trench. Which we all know means sex.

Dan and Eric are STILL plotting their bumbling plan to get Jenny back. Why, again? Because they need to look at her sickly skin and undereye circles? And how are you still talking? Blair would have burned witches in effigy by now!

Dan and Eric make up a weird Jack Bass story that really won’t work. And Jenny will RUIN an anniversary. Why don’t boys know this?

Serena shows up to Colin’s in a pink blazer. He tells her she should go home, and points out that Serena’s nuts because his cab woman is a CLEANING LADY! HAHA! Because naturally service staff cannot be sexually attractive, right?

Colin is going to Blair’s birthday party. B doesn’t care about any Colins except Firth or Farrell, on which I call false. She would hate Colin Farrell at her party.

Chuck and Nate live together? Blair is there? Dan is bad at everything, including trying to create unrest between B and Chuck who are eye-effing as badly as Serena and her professor.

B calls Jenny “Gothic Barbie”. Everyone’s invited to the birthday! Because that won’t go wrong!

Serena decides to call Juliet about her hot pants for the prof. Unveils all the faculty-attending information Juliet could possibly need. So…S just thinks that Vanessa did whatever bad thing she did a couple of eps ago? Really?

I’m BOOOORED. Everyone is being way-too-well-behaved except Dan, which is still more boring.

Dan strides into Nate’s room like he belongs there. Which I believe he does. Nate ‘guards’ the treaty so nobody can exploit it. Nailbiter. Dan lingers in the bedroom to make the bed – and by that I mean steals the treaty, as if we didn’t know.

Serena and Nate pout together. Can she date Juliet if Nate’s done with her? I’m not really joking, that’s the gist of this conversation. But he convinces S to sleep with him instead. Er, or go to Blair’s birthday. So Juliet messages Colin. Why didn’t she do that anyway?

Can we PLEASE get to some drunken shenanigans already? Blair throwing gladiolas doesn’t count, although saying “The Waldorf’s is not a Best Western” almost does.

Eleanor tries to get Blair to kick out Chuck and share her party with Lily and Rufus. Blair tantrums hard at everyone, because she’s not hating Chuck hard.

Dan ‘reveals’ the ‘surprise’ of whatever B & C talked privately about. They plaid-shirt at each other about bringing Jenny back. Has it occurred to either of you that she’s happier without stupid men bratting in her life?

Dan calls Interscope. Which means I smell a guest band!

Slideshow of baby Meester. Fun. Joe Zee and Rachel Zoe can’t believe they’re wasting time there. B chats with the Dean, then drops some pro-choice principles. I feel a backlash coming on sometime soon…

Something about Rufus and Eleanor.

Juliet’s dress is red and awful. Serena’s is chartreuse and booby. Nate giggles something. Dan is threatened.

Here’s J in sateen terribleness. Bitches at Nate. Serena mistakenly tries to fix things.
Juliet looks for information she already has. Eleanor makes a rorschack joke. Pulls Juliet off to be manual labour. Yay!

Blair needs to be caught up, like the viewers. Also asks like I was saying “How about Juliet tried to ruin your life ten times?” Then, because she is awesome, decides to go talk to Johnathan Franzen instead.

Colin creepily stares at Serena from a corner.

Dan. Lily. Eric. Hors D’oeuvres. Lily is too hungry to go home. Perfect. What has Humphrey wrecked now? Eric is all ‘you’re dumb’.

Chuck comes. Mad B knew where his uncle is/was/is? Also sick with lust.

S and N do what passes for foreplay for them and recite the Gettysburg address? Nate continues smarming in front of Serena’s parents.

Nate’s all “Hey Colin are you Ben? No? Why not?” Pout.

Serena gets a sex note that’s totally not a trap.

Juliet and Colin fight over her having seen Ben. Wait, what? Nate and Blair watch this. Blair has only good plans. Nate storms up to Juliet. She’s all “He’s my cousin. You’re too dumb to get it”.

Dorota is making a speech about Blair and I am in TEARS it is so funny and cute and Leighton is TOOOO skinny.

“Rita” now salutes the birthday girl. Also, Robyn is here to do a roast? With a special video of Blair? Who is Rita? OK, B is singing “Stand by Your Man” in Stockholm. Viral marketing for “Country Strong”, much?

Shenanigans. Rachel Zoe falls. Rachel Zoe pulls chocolate fountain on self. Rachel Zoe…has a sense of humour? Says “I die”. Chuck, gold bowtie. Transfixed.

Piano chords. Robyn sings. Blair is embarrassed by what is an endearing video. Please. Only a 20 year old.

S has boobs. Waits for Colin. Was he jealous? Was she? They’re in B’s bedroom. She can’t do it ‘here.’.

Violin shots! I will always recap a violin shot.

B’s dress is a delight. She’s annoyed about the video. “It only takes one video to ruin a career. Google Connie Chung Piano!” She found out where Jack Bass was because she stalked Chuck this summer.

Dan confesses to what he did. Pretends he cares about Jenny. I wish he were drunker. Rufus is all “You’re one of them, Dan!” B leaves, hopefully to be adopted by sane people like Lily.

Juliet’s all “Dear Ben, problem. Cousin Colin pays for everything and won’t like that we’re screwing over Serena”. Ben doesn’t care. Serena’s “responsible for everything”. She has to get the proof. Also, a larger dress.

B’s tape has been returned. I will love it forever. Eleanor “Are you really going to work hard enough to be a CEO anyway?” Actually, she says getting softened by love – or ‘weak’, as this show says – thanks show – can be worth it.

Lily is disappointed nobody got hurt. Rufus basically tells Lily he hates her life and everything she stands for.

Lots of paper flowers! Dan and Eric did it. Those two are creepy. Lily and Rufus make out in front of Eric. Gross.

Hi, Vanessa! She’s on her laptop. Booooring. Something about friendship.

Serena and Colin wait juuuuuust a little longer….still not having the sex…he’s all “no kidding, if you did it now you’d be a total tramp”. I’m not joking, that’s the intent here.

I like Serena’s scuba back dress. She jumps him.

Juliet, roundfaced. Determined. Serena, leaving. Blair, midnight-snacking. Or she would if she ate. Chuck, watching her. He tells her peace is finished. They’re both getting excited at the thought of war.

B says “Every nerve ending in my body”….and we’re off, right? Come on. Do it. Chuck rips the treaty. Then they make out a whole lot. It’s up against a window, and suddenly B’s knees are in view and Chuck’s face really isn’t and whew.

Xoxo indeed. Plus, no Jenny after all!

Attached – photos from the Gossip Girl set yesterday at Penn Badgley celebrated his birthday and Blake Lively baked him a cake. A civilised breakup as boring as their relationship.

Photos from Flynetonline.com and Bauergriffinonline.com