Written by Duana

Previously, Vanessa and Serena put their heads together to talk about how Charlie was crazy, Blair was a dubious princess, Chuck sucked, Charlie’s bananaboat, Raina’s mom is nutty, and Thorpe got Blair up on a roof.

So anyway, just your average season finale.

S and V in a cab. They exposit that Charlie ‘went barefoot through the snow after she SWFed her college roommate.” Sounds like just about any undergrad. Where’s the crazy?

Of course they bitch about who should tell Dan. Then decide to do everything together.

Band I’m sure I’m supposed to know plays at the Constance ball. Nate wanders alone. No Raina.

Dan proceeds to tell Nate every crazy “Call me Serena” thing Charlie says. Chace manages to laugh like a real boy.

Chuck appears, looks nutty. Nods to them. Nate can only call it a ‘long story’.

What a nice effect that is on the ceiling. What is this room when it’s not a ballroom, school?

Chuck alerts Mama Waldorf that Blair is missing. Mama doesn’t care, calls Chuck the “Big Bad Wolf”. Tells him to let her go for good. Chuck observes the prince and his mother.

Dan approaches Eric, who’s all “Remember when school wasn’t like this?” Isn’t he still in school? How old is he?

S and V storm up. Need to talk to Dan. So does Chuck. Everyone yells about looking for Charlie and or Blair. Dan gets to run the show. Hasn’t seen Blair, is looking for Charlie.

And then Eric finds Iz (or, Iz the second) who saw Charlie being crazy a half hour ago.

Chuck yells at Nate for telling Raina the truth. Which is fine, because she’s there to apologize to him. But he’s still in a panic looking for Blair. Ed Westwick is articulating more in the last 10 minutes than ever on this show.

Chuck’s phone rings. My smart girl calls Chuck and tells him where she is being kept by Thorpe (which is no longer on a roof). Chuck hears and books.

Thorpe just keeps flicking a lighter, like, way to be a stereotypical villain, Thorpe.

Constance. OMG, remember Georgina? She’s got a big rock and a completely mercenary attitude, and tells the nice people she talks to they’re horrifically boring.

Her dress is amazing and she asks to help with Dan’s scheme, but he’s not interested.

Eric shoots the party so Lily can watch on her tablet. Rufus stands over her. Then meddles to find out if they’ve found Charlie.

Oh, here she is, on the dance floor with a bottle. Oh man, this actress’s reedy smoky voice come out when she exerts herself. FYI, her horrible mashed boob is still happening.

Charlie pushes a waiter and runs away, Dan says they need plan B. Georgina smiles.

Serena disappoints her headmistress by not being at Brown. She wishes Serena had gone further.

Two tweens from last week tell Serena she’s a disappointment, why didn’t she wind up with Dan or Nate? UGH, those are her choices? Please.

Anyway, the tweens now want to be Blair due to: princess. Serena shoes them. Georgina appears. She begs to be in on a scheme. I’m overusing the words ‘hysterical’ and ‘hilarious’ lately but it really is that she just wants to be in on a plan.
“Guys, guys, we can’t just throw Georgina into an episode”. “Sure we can. She just, you know, wants to be there! Loves to scheme!”

Dan and Vanessa lost Charlie. Everyone gets a text. Georgina reads it “I’m sorry, goodbye” and announces “Who is this amateur?” God, I love her. More please!

Several names of plans are rejected. Vanessa gets to tell Georgina to go away – such that she ignores Charlie right there in front of her face.

Blair wonders why Thorpe keeps flicking his lighter. It’s because he turned on the gas. Oh shit.

Chuck tries to get B loose when he hears her talking about how she found her way out of loving him. Nobody thinks he won’t save her.

Chuck bursts in! Holds Blair! Raina bursts in – steals Thorpe’s lighter. Is all ‘I know you didn’t mean to hurt my mother’ then, when he gives it to her, “I’m never coming to visit you in prison.

C and B have a tender moment. She’s OK, not going to hospital. He’s glad she called him. She just knew to call ‘1’ on her speed dial. He’s chuffed he’s still #1 and they decide to have (one, quick)drink.

Raina and Nate. Obviously not having a good night. She wants to go home, which of course means ‘really home’. Chicago. Well, bye, actress who plays Raina! You had some real highs and lows!

B and C are at a bar mitzvah. I don’t think it’s worth trying to figure out why. They choose two namecards and assume someone else’s identity. Dear Prince, you’re gonna get jilted. Mazel Tov, Joseph.

Over at constance, Charlie is trying to jump out a window while still grasping her vodka. Georgina is only so happy to direct her upstairs to a free one.

S appears, Georgina toys with her. Serena, in a monotone: “Everysecondyoudon’ttellmewheresheisiscritical” Then appeals to Georgina’s baby. G pretends to help, then sends S in the wrong direction.

Bar Mitzvah. Dance circle. Blair dances to “Rolling In the Deep”. Chuck is, of course, entranced.

Vanessa goes to the loft.

B and C dance together. In love.

V noses through people’s belongings, because of course she does. Finds a completed and printed-out novel.

B, hoisted on a chair. Louis, waiting impatiently. B & C, both hoisted on chairs. For what it’s worth, Leighton and Ed look like they’re having a delightful time.

Nosy V reads Dan’s novel. Notable: “When Sabrina came back into my life in 11th grade” UGH, eyeroll.

C gives Bar Mitzvah-ee Joseph a cheque for $5000. He tells B it’s time to go back to the party – but she drags him to an empty room and grabs at his pants.

Louis, looking distraught. His mother says she’s sorry, but of course, isn’t. She smirks, tells him to give it up. Louis knows she’ll be here –

…as B has Chuck undo her dress.

S searches further for Charlie. Dan thinks to call nosy-face Vanessa.

S walks in on Charlie, standing at an open window. She says ‘no’, so what do you think Charlie does? She turns back to look out the window again.

Right, so drama queen and her doppelganger therein. Charlie sobs that Serena thinks she’s crazy. That she stole S’s dress to be like her. “You’re Serena Van Der Woodsen”. “That doesn’t mean what you think it means”. Truly, truly awesome response, S. Which of course means that it DOES.

Dan calls V. Is she OK? Has the audacity to tell him she loves his book which he is momentarily flattered by, then mad at, then flattered by. He is a schizophrene. Vanessa tells him he has to be on the outside to write about things. “Get it published, make a stand, be a man”. Er, Vanessa?

S texts she found Charlie. More important. Jessica Szohr really eats the scenery as she spits “When are you going to realize you were a better person until you asked Serena out?” “When are you going to realize I had a better life before you climbed up my fire escape?” God, you two. Take it back to grade eight.

Vanessa, needless to say, steals the book.

Chuck and Blair, slightly chastened, in the night air. B thinks she should tell Louis it’s over, she doesn’t love him like she does Chuck. He makes her happy, but what she has with Chuck is intense and complicated. What’s mere happiness in the face of all that, she asks? Chuck drives her to the consulate in a limo. Looks conflicted.

I know you all are rabid to hear it, so: Do I think Chuck is the right person for B? Not necessarily. Do I think his dominating behavior is acceptable? I don’t. But I don’t look to TV for guidance, I look for a reflection of real life. And Blair seeing Chuck’s good as well as his bad? That is, yes it IS, just as real as the things you ignore in your relationship, the things you overlook in a friend or a lover because there are so many good things that outweigh it. I’m not actually concerned if you’re judging a TV character, but - I bet money there have been things in your life you’ve not told friends or family because you’d be embarrassed. Because behavior does get judged on a sliding scale. It’s just that B doesn’t have that opportunity, thanks to Gossip Girl. (and just like that, the tertiary Voice Of God is relevant again).

Charlie spits that there’s nothing wrong with being Serena, “Every girl wants to be you”. Nope. S then proceeds to outline what’s wrong with her as a character – she never chooses anything. Neither college, nor between Dan and Nate, nor to go to Paris. S’s lack of decisions have hurt her. Charlie gets over her crisis and goes to be S’s support. Immediately wants to know if S would choose Dan or Nate.

S texts, because that’s polite. These girls hold hands.

Chuck walks into Constance, sees Louis. He knows Blair’s coming. He knows he loves her. He’ll wait for her. Then she comes in, he’s appropriately delighted. She takes a deep breath and tells him – tells him –

and then Chuck breaks in and says he’s delighted they’re getting married, and they have his blessing. Awww. Character redemption!

Surprise, Dan and Nate are both going to see Serena. You’d think they’d be sick of her. “What, does she have beer-flavoured nipples?” (I still love 10 Things I hate About You) Anyway, she apologizes for her lack of continuity last fall, not choosing either of them. Lots of fuss about getting coats and cabs. Charlie slips away from Dan, calls someone to say “It went perfectly, call you soon”.

Georgina finds Charlie. Says she doesn’t think Charlie was ever on meds. Then gives her what, a calling card? Oh, it’s a napkin with her number on it because “It’s been getting a little dull around here.” Intrigue! ? !

B is now mad at Chuck because “The great loves are the crazy ones”. She says nobody writes songs about being happy. But Chuck says Louis waited for her all night, and she deserves her fairytale. Okay, I don’t like this intense father-figure stuff hat’s going on here, so there’s that…

He proves his point by saying they’re feeling something they’ve never felt before – guilt. Over cheating on Louis. B is doing her best to cut something bad out of her life but is relishing her moment of being weak. Chuck’s being the strong one. They say “I will always love you”. Louis, apparently, is watching. Weird??

Chuck still has that soft smile on his face. But now B kisses Louis, and tries to fake a smile. No No NO, B, you’re supposed to be genuinely torn between the two! You have to want Louis too!

Gossip Girl agrees with me.

Sunshine over Manhattan, and – Oh!

We get a title card. Three weeks later….

Nate and Chuck are at Lily and Rufus’. Really? Anyway, Thorpe’s getting 20 years. Lily’s staying in all summer, Eric is going to Sarah Lawrence. Rufus is happy not to take a cruise with Eleanor and Cyrus.

Blair enters, annoyed that her principality by boat is being referred to as a ‘cruise’. Chuck takes this opportunity to book.

Dan tells B to call him if she wants to watch movies from the castle. She has already synced up their computers or playlists or something like that. Eric notes this.

Charlie is going to take the bus back to Florida, because this city isn’t for her and ‘maybe someday’ she’ll be able to come back. I don’t understand why all this couldn’t have happened the next morning.

Charlie and Dan hug. They confess they really did like each other.

Nate says Chuck is hurting. He can tell Chuck’s in pain because he isn’t drinking. But Chuck maintains Blair needs to be happy with Louis. And pours himself a drink. Nate proposes they basically backpack across the world. “Pick a point and we’ll make our way back”.

Gossip Girl is actually saying something profound but I can’t hear her because B and S swap clothesies. S is going to Montecito. B is going to Monaco. She thinks Serena will be lonely but S actually says “I choose me”. They bond over B’s November (sweeps!) wedding. Cute.

Dan speaks so damn fast I can’t hear what he’s saying but I think it means he wants to go to the Hamptons. He’s lonely and wants to leave the city. Maybe he’s taking Eric with him. Rufus gets all weird about Dan’s writing.

And then, of course, V submits a novel by “anonymous”. She says it’s a He. But she’s accepting the cheques. She’ll pass them on. They can send them to her in Spain.

Then, irritatingly, S sees a skinny brunette boy reading a book “The Beautiful and Damned” and making notes, and talks to him on the boardwalk . God, S, stop it! Anyway, he’s a movie guy, they’re turning it into a movie. Something or other.

Then his boss appears, S calls him David Russell. Because she read the book, she’s coming to the meeting and it’s her job. Sigh. Sure. I do like that she’s screwing over some guy though.

Bus. Miami. Charlie gets off the buss. There’s Carole. Charlie stole blank cheques. Her ‘Mother’ calls her Ivy and hands over a pile of cash. Then Carole says at least they won’t come looking for her daughter, and “will ‘Ivy’ be OK going back to her life having been in that world?” Ivy will.

And the reason she will is that in her purse she has Georgina’s phone number napkin and a stolen chequebook of her own.

Serena’s Empty Room. Blair’s Empty Room. Bathroom. Positive pregnancy test.

BOOM. There’s a finale for you!

Attached - Chace Crawford texting in a restaurant yesterday.

Photos from JLM/Splashnewsonline.com