Written by Duana

Previously on Gossip Girl, we were flying and getting ready for the Oscars and just generally missing the episode, so, I’m sorry about that. I have no doubt, however, that the saucy little minx will catch us up - and that Lily did something nefarious.

Yep. So, previously, Lily told Serena that telling the truth about the whole Ben affair – you know, how she totally got him falsely incarcerated - could get Lily herself arrested.

Ben threatened Zegers if he ever uses information about Lily.

Blair apparently lost her job – really? – and CURLS UP with Dan on the couch to whine about it.

And in a looooong term throwback, Dan outs Bart Bass for arson.

So Rufus and Lily head up the stairs into a courtroom, and he was to wait outside like a child. Lily prepares to give a statement to the tune of a strident piano.

And then it’s 12 hours earlier, and Rufus and Lily have coffee! And Nate smiles at the sight of Chuck Bass ringing the bell to open trading – and at Raina walking down the hall. And B and S discuss cleanses while Blair says that maybe she’s meant to be with Chuck and Dorota brings Blair a delicious looking juice.

Serena sees she missed a call from Vanessa –slash-is mad that Ben hasn’t texted since they banged. Blair thinks he needs to know S enjoyed herself.

Dorota accuses Blair of being happy and of joining a cult. Blair pretends to bitch and then sends a text to Dan telling him to come over!

Chuck swaggers into Thorpe’s office. He’s going to sign papers with someone to save his company tonight. Thorpe says “Right, but did you know about how Raina’s banging Nate? Anyway, business, sure, whatever.

Raina tells Nate he has to tell Chuck what’s going on between them, and he agrees.

Blair and Dan lie around her bedroom trying to decide what cultural events they should pretend to go to separately. When Dorota shows up, she shoves Dan into Serena’s room.

Dorota has a brain, figures out it’s Dan, and her eyes threaten to bulge out of her head.

Serena, in her own words, “swallows her pride” and goes to see Ben. Whose mother storms out of the bedroom, all ‘I don’t like you’. In so many words. Then Ben sells her out to his mother.

Thematically, Lily appears! She finds a prison shirt in her drycleaning. That’s not subtle.

Ben says he hasn’t replied to Serena’s stalkdom because Mommy is on him every second of every day. So he couldn’t text??? Anyway, Serena’s solution to this hatred is to invite her for lunch.

Chuck is unimpressed by the prison jumpsuit in Lily’s hands, and she has really great hair. Chuck tries to find out who did this to her and as usual, I want them to kiss.

Rufus expresses total and complete shock that Dan wants to talk to him. Dan promises only the vaguest of details. Dan says he and some mystery woman are ‘not even friends’ and blows off plans with her to have lunch with Dad.

Dorota busts Blair for being too calm, pulls out a magazine, and then says, in so many words, “You and Lonelyboy are having affair!” It is amazing, and Blair blows off the museum, also because God forbid Dorota be right.

So Serena has Ben’s mother in to lunch, tries to serve her pizza, which – I can’t even…and promptly gets interrupted by Lily.

Kelly Rutherford looks HOT this week and after she demands that Serena find out if anyone else knows about the affidavit, Vanessa walks in, looking tall and be-earringed. She basically expects lily to set her house on fire.

Ben’s mother, needlessly, tells him he needs to expunge his record and send Serena’s family up in flames.

Blair and Dan meet cute, and accuse each other of blowing each other off, and…all you need to know is apparently it’s a revelation to both of them that they like each other.

Nate and Chuck face off over Raina, which Nate deems “hanging out”. He says that despite talking her up as Chuck asked, she’s all into Archibald sauce now.

DUMBO. Blair screeches at Dan that Dorota thinks they’re having an affair. His logic is if they tell everyone what they’re doing, then nobody will care. Blair’s logic is different – if they say a huge scandal is coming out, them being friends ain’t no thing.

Chuck asks Raina to stop her dad’s dirty dealings, she says she won’t, and then he says “I’m not asking you to.”

Lily drags Vanessa over to Serena to inform her Ben had Nate’s dad attacked. She heard this after Eric’s birthday party. Then she turns on her heel and leave.

It’s time for Lily’s three hours a month of parenting, which she basically uses to tell Serena she’s an idiot. Because Serena has been hanging onto the affidavit that ruins her family in her underwear drawer, and he knows this, which is why – wait for it – it’s gone!!


Chuck’s party. He prematurely celebrates his deal being done, which we know means things will go desperately wrong. Chuck is sure Russell will blackmail him and then Raina will hear.

Lily and Serena discuss whether Ben has given the affidavit to anyone, and Lily’s rather blasé about potentially going to jail. Ben arrives, but before Serena can go extract whether he’s going to use it, Blair and Dan accost her with their lives.

Blair puts her hands up as an anti-Dan shield. Medium funny.

Serena accuses Ben of stealing and potentially giving up the affidavit. He says “After all this time, you don’t trust me”? Hasn’t it been four weeks?

She accuses him of getting Nate’s dad shanked, and he’s like “yeah, pretty much”. Then gets the gritted teeth of “do not tell me what it was like in prison”.

Meanwhile, Ben’s mom is all “I totally know Russell Thorpe and I’m going to ruin you, Lily.” Then she reveals all of the rest of her plan, and agrees she’s going to make the ‘tough choice’ for Ben by selling Lily out.

Rufus says the most terrible thing would be if Dan had a relationship with Blair. He’s unconcerned about the fact that Lily has upsetting news….

But apparently not so upsetting that she can’t be with Thorpe and Chuck while he blackmails Lily, and Raina and Nate hide in the shadows. He gets to say “I”ll destroy you and your entire family”.

Raina comes storming out, can’t believe her dad is a shady shifty blackmailer. Thorpe decides he’s not going after Raina until Chuck signs over the company. But Lily is apparently going to be noble and tell the DA the truth.

She calls Chuck Bart’s legacy and leaves. Thorpe is all “You don’t know how devious I am even! I wanted to take you down not just because Lily left me for Bart Bass, but…say, has Raina told you about her mom at all?”

Nate tells Raina that even evil dads are worth having a relationship with, and I guess I can kind of get behind that. She gets to say “You’re smarter than you look, Archibald.” I would disagree. They kiss, chaste. And go to watch ‘the game’

Back at the party. Serena tells Ben her mother is turning herself in unemotionally, and even more unemotionally informs him his mother’s at fault. Ben explains that this is all probably due to Damian, and the fact that he got all violent up with him. Serena stares as Ben reveals the depths of his mental illness. He’s only with her because it makes his time as a teacher seem real. What, exactly?

He basically tells her he’s breaking up with her; she kisses him with the equivalent of a shrug.

Thorpe accuses Chuck’s dad of torching his wife in that fire he set. He says the security guard who died in the fire was saving his wife who was also in there, and nobody knows the truth. He hopes Lily enjoys rotting in jail.

Blair and Dan make Lily going to jail all about them and say they’ll never get involved and that their names are never to be linked and their friendship is over and they’re still pretending to be friends?

Big guitars. Chuck looks guilty. He comes down the stairs to see Serena, and are they still stepsiblings at all? Chuck shuts down the whole party, or rather instructs her to, so we’ll see how that goes.

So Lily is allowed to make a demand even as she confesses, and makes Ben’s record get expunged. Then she says Serena has a good heart, and Ben pretends he’s not immediately heading for LA.

The lawyers tell Lily she’s cheerful for someone who’s going to jail. She gets all romantical about when children smile at you, and this is all because Serena is proud of her. But Lily’s still going to need an excellent lawyer.

Rufus is confronted by a BALDWIN! Or pardon me, it’s a van der Woodson. Cece – remember the meddling grandmother? She called and asked him to come.

Nate and Raina continue to debate his dumbness. Her dad is waiting outside Nate’s with a limo. Thorpe is going back to Chicago tonight, and Raina isn’t coming. She’s all hurt that her daddy’s a bad man. He hopes she can forgive him. There’s a lot of parents evoking pride in their children. He gives her the old “you look more like your mother every day”.

Chuck drinks good scotch while his maybe stepsister pouts that he shut down the party. He’s pouting because maybe his dad was a bad man after all, again, and he needs to talk to Blair. Serena trails afterward.

Home – Blair is surprised to see Dan. In a weird, glorified floral negligee. Dan’s all up in his own mind, irritatingly. He accuses her of liking him, and does the old approach for the ‘one kiss’ that will let them know without a doubt.

They natter about it, and then the music swells, and they kiss, and that’s what we go out to ‘Gossip Girl’ on. I’m sure she’s nauseated that Blair had to be the one to make the first move…

Photos from Wenn.com