Like I said last week, Coldplay is fortunate they did not perform after Radiohead. Because in their first Grammy live performance, Radiohead owned everyone’s ass. And my Gwyneth introduced them! Her smugness must be killing you…

So there were some sucky sh-t performances, and then there were the ones that made you thankful for DVR.

Why is the Grammy magic number always 5? This year it was Robert Plant and Alison Kraus. 5. How great did Keith Urban look without the hair gel? His bangs flopping around while backing up Al Green and Justin Timberlake… why not go no gel more often? And why does Carrie Underwood sing better than Chris Martin? See the effect of a well cut suit? Please don’t disown me for saying but a well cut suit turned even Kid Rock into something almost respectable. Gah! I’m sorry!

Gah! Bono’s eyeshadow! WTF???

The photos don’t do justice but if you watched the telecast, you know about the eyeshadow.

But here’s my problem with the Grammys. With Paul McCartney and Smokey Robinson, and U2 opening the show, and Stevie Wonder closing the show, and T.I. and JT, and the kings of hip hop united on stage, and Morgan Freeman, and Sam Jackson, and even Granny Freeze in the audience, and so many other legends in attendance, why in the name of D List f-ckery would they allow the likes Ebola Hilton and Kim Kardashian and Phoebe Price and Bai arsing Ling and Audrina wanking Partridge in the door???

This is why the Oscars, with its many flaws, is what it is. Remains what it is. Because you can’t f-cking crash the Oscars. If they don’t ask you, you can’t come. Period. Ebola Hilton has never been asked. Phoebe Price will NEVER be asked. By and large, the Oscars understand the brand.

Why can’t the Grammys do the same?

Your emails – keep them coming! May not be able to reply but I’m reading. I’m reading!

PS. We need more Craig Ferguson

Photos from and