I’ve not subscribed to my Gwyneth’s goop.com. Not because I don’t support her…but because I don’t care about domestics. You couldn’t pay me to be interested in olive oil. And I don’t give a sh*t about linens. Or how to turn your grandmother’s old dresser into something charming for the baby’s room. Me I’d rather be at the blackjack table yelling at the lame dick sitting in the first spot who keeps hitting on 14 against 5 or staying on 14 against face card*.

To each her own, right?

As such, I’m not a GOOPy member. But I am a little GOOPy curious, especially about her first newsletter last week.

Apparently it hasn’t exactly been the smoothest launch. Feedback isn’t great. Critics have been unkind. And her first two recipes…

Banana muffins and turkey ragu?

You may be saying to yourself: Gwyneth Paltrow does NOT eat carbs.

But actually…she totally does. She eats carbs, she works out for 2 hours a day in her own, personal, beautifully designed gym next to the apple orchard on her property, and flaunts her long skinny legs on red carpets and doesn’t have to worry like you do about getting fat.

The best part about not dieting is TELLING YOU that she doesn’t diet, although some would consider turkey ragu to be a diet.

Like me.

Ugh.

But if you try either one of these, you have to let me know how it goes.

Source TFS

*there are rules for casino games. And hardcore gambling bitches like me lose their sh*t when novices don’t know. So if I run into you one night, and you’re playing like an amateur, and I tear a strip off your ass… sorry?