Hate the Gwyneth who’s sickly sweet and MiniVan sucky. Love the Gwyneth who doesn’t give a sh-t that you hate her because she knows that your hate means she still matters. Worship the Gwyneth who believes she’s better than you and looks for every opportunity to prove it.

Yesterday I posted the cover of the March issue of UK Elle. Gwyneth looking gorgeous but for that angle of the photo and the jacket. As you can see from a slightly different perspective, it really wasn’t so bad. Duana thinks she has a penis hidden in her diapers but me I’m all over this look. And every other look in the spread.

Clearly shoulders are a big deal this season.

Anyway, in the interview, Gwynnie addresses the GOOPy backlash. And she uses curse words to convey her point. This must mean she’s flipped the badass switch:

"F-ck the haters! I saw this blog of people writing horrible things about me and, for a second, your ego is so wounded. How could people hate me, my intentions or what I'm trying to do? I'm a good person and I'm trying to put good things into the world."

You see why she’s my favourite? Gwyneth is so far up her own ass, she truly believes that she was put on this earth to GIVE. You will note, Madonna talks this way as well.

Common thread?

You bet your ass it’s Kabbalah. G won’t start waving a red string around but as I’ve been reporting, for 2 years she’s been taking private lessons. Still… just because she’s spiritual, doesn’t mean she’s square. G insists she’s not as tight in the ass as you think:

“(People believe) that I'm a goody two-shoes. I'm not. And that I'm a strict macrobiotic. I'm probably less square than people think.”

To prove her point, she then discusses Courtney Love’s drug use. They’re friends.

“I don't think she's on Class A narcotics anymore. Maybe just Class C. That's no big deal - aren't we all, ha, ha, ha!”

Curiously enough, “ha ha ha” seems to be her mantra. She also had the same response when asked about her marriage:

"It doesn't behoove us to be a public couple. (My husband) certainly doesn't want to be that. We've never ever walked down a red carpet together, we never will. If people think that that means we're not together, then – ha ha ha! – so be it."

As a final stamp of badassery, Gwyneth reveals she misses smoking:

“Man, I wish smoking didn't kill you. I'd be smoking right now. I miss it. The last cigarette I smoked was the day I found out I was pregnant with Apple. I had to sit down and smoke one final cigarette. It's such a beautiful thing. I'm so pissed off it gives you cancer. Cigarettes were my upper, they were my downer. I would think with them, write with them. I just love them so much. But then, once you have children, if you've witnessed a death like I did with my father, you just can't. I've decided that when I'm about 70 I'm going to start smoking again. Why not? I can't wait!”

If you’re about to go all huffy and puffy on her, you can start in on me too.

Am trying for the 5th time right now to quit after falling off repeatedly. And it’s hard. Why? Because f-ck I love to smoke. I love it so much. But, like G, I don’t want to die. So I have to stop. But those wishful rationalisations, I can totally relate to. Why can’t smoking be good for you? Why can’t fat be good for you? Why can’t I be like those ex-smoking evangelists? You know the ones. They quit and all of a sudden it’s like they preach for the Church of No Smoking.

G and I, we’re not the evangelist kind when it comes to going smoke free.

Sigh.

Do I seem grumpy today?

That would be because I’m not smoking.

Anyway, back to Gwyneth. Has she impressed you with her feisty? Of course not. She’s probably made you hate her more! She loves it when you hate her. It’s a curiously common social re-definition.

Somehow, when they hear “hate” what they’re actually interpreting is “jealous”.

When did that become standard? Automatically attributing negative feedback as jealousy? I blame Oprah.

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