Are you crusty today? Post holiday blues? If so, my Gwyneth is about to piss you off. Be warned. Or maybe that’s a good thing. You know you love to hate her.

So she’s released her first GOOPy newsletter of the year – this time about detoxing. And she opens by telling you that she, Gwyneth Paltrow, with her own personal gym and dance studio, with her own personal trainer, with 2 hours a day dedicated to working out got fat over Christmas and needs to work on purging the Christmas weight.

!!!

It is that time of year, folks. I need to lose a few pounds of holiday excess. Anyone else? I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year, the most hardcore one being the Master Cleanse I did last spring. It was not what you would characterize as pretty. Or easy. It did work, however. As I do not wish to subsist on lemon water in the middle of winter, I asked my doctor, a detox diet specialist, for the guidelines he uses to achieve a good detox that is not as hallucinogenic (in a bad way) as the Master Cleanse. He actually thinks that the Master Cleanse can be dangerous because the liver is not supported by the nutrients it needs. What it came down to was this: you can detox easily and effectively while you continue to eat as long as you are cutting out the foods and other substances that interfere with the detoxification process. Make sure you check with your doctor before you start any detox. Drink A LOT of water. I created this menu plan for a seven-day elimination diet. The shakes and juices are meant to be liquid meals that help decrease the amount of work your digestive system has to do. I will be suffering along with you to kickstart my year a bit lighter. Good luck to us all!

Gwyneth

Like, what’s happening to my girl? The Gwynnie I know would never pretend to be Just Like Us. In fact, she’d go out of her way to make sure we knew we’d Never Be Like Her. This was why I fell in love. Gwyneth has never been about community. Gwyneth has always been about exclusivity. The old Gwyneth would never commiserate. The old Gwyneth would never reach other for common ground. Where is the old Gwyneth? Who is this obsequious minivan know-it-all taking her place?

I hate.

Click here to see the menu plan she “created”.

Attached – the overweight Gwyneth at Madonna’s over Christmas. And older photos of her from November looking like a total porker in Miami at the Fountainebleau opening.

Photos from Flynetonline.com and Wenn.com