In this episode of Everyone Loves Gwyneth, here she is with Nicole Kidman on the carpet last night holding hands. Kidman almost always towers over any woman she stands beside. Gwyneth really is that tall. I was delighted they decided to be all friends and girly together, considering they both looked like so much ass. But let’s finish up the Everyone Loves Gwyneth situation first.

Because not only was she all besty with Nicole, she also received a huge hug from Penelope Cruz, and another one from Cameron Diaz – drunk off her ass – and hung out for a while with Jude Law with Cam, and spent time with the Downeys, and Valentino, and on, and on, and on. Interestingly enough though, Madonna was there. With Lourdes. And at press time, I can’t find a single photo of Madonna and Gwyneth together. Madonna would have definitely seen G’s performance. Oh girl sh-t. Please girls show me your girl sh-t.

In that environment though, I think Gwyneth has way more friends. And that’s what’s so perplexing: Gwyneth is so popular already, why is she trying so f-cking hard?

I am filled with so much hate for the disco sh-t she brought on the carpet. Didn’t work against her skin, which is bad and blotchy these days, made her hair look so brassy and cheap, stank of so much “me! me! me!” and served as a prelude for her fontrum inducing white mic, closed eye performance on the broadcast in an all one colour blobby gown that too many people have worn too many times, and better, already.

I don’t understand why she’s not more embarrassed for herself. I don’t understand why she didn’t show up in something elegant and black and understated and carry it with the quiet confidence that is afforded someone in her position. What has changed in Gwyneth’s life that she has shed herself of the effortless superiority of her past, the “they’ll come to me, I don’t go to anyone” attitude that made her who she is. Was.


The constant Trying is so exhausting to watch. The shamelessness is so heartbreaking to witness. Her pride seems to have deserted her completely.

Aaron Eckhart once said that Gwyneth is the closest thing America has to a princess. You might want to take him off your Five List for that, but it’d be harder to argue with him 5 years ago. Now? Where is that girl?

Enough. I’m too tired for this tragedy.

Let’s go over to Third Lip for some fun horror instead. For a while there, we were good, you know? She was all honest-ish about her Botox, she sang along with Katy Perry, there was a freedom about Nicole Kidman we hadn’t seen in a while. But the pressure of the Oscars, it was just too much. She just couldn’t help herself. It’s like itching for a cigarette and breaking down and buying a pack at midnight on a Saturday.

Third Lip went to the Spirit Awards on Saturday to get ready for the big night. Look at those flaps oozing out of both side of her mouth, celebrating another awards season. How can anyone possibly consider this anything but a mistake? Same could be said of her white Oscar dress. Unlike Natalie Portman, Nicole didn’t seem to mind either that the gown was a Dior and that Mr Galliano may or may not be the Mel Gibson of the fashion world. Gran’s had a long relationship with Galliano. And nothing comes between Gran and a dress, either. Remember when she chased down that famous chartreuse Dior back in the Tom Cruise days, all the way to a ski resort to talk a socialite into letting her have it?

Clearly, this time around, she wanted to wear an apron. Isn’t that an apron? It suggests a wideness that couldn’t possibly be there. Suddenly Nicole Kidman has hips. And on the right side is where she puts the spatula, and on the left side she’ll tuck a pair of tongs to use on the barbecue later on. Right? What the f-ck is happening here?

After what she wore at the Grammys, she was supposed to be bringing it hard to the big show. Instead we get a domestic tool belt and the return of the Third Lip. Major f-cking buzzkill.

And that concludes our Oscar coverage for today.

Are you yelling at us? If you want to yell at Duana, send it to me at [email protected] and I’ll make sure it gets to her.

Hope we’ve addressed almost everything you had in mind. 12,000 words later and we are ready to move on. Tomorrow, it’ll be new gossip, and some riddling too. Thanks for your feedback and your messages. Keep sending!

Photos from and Kevin Mazur/VF11/Jeff Vespa/Kevin Winter/Jason Merritt/Frazer Harrison/ROBYN BECK/GABRIEL BOUYS/Kevork Djansezian/Jordan Strauss/