Gwyneth Paltrow was at Fashion’s Night Out in London Thursday night continuing to pimp Coach. She does look great with that purse across her shoulder. But the image I’ve attached as the first in the series - this is her face as I imagine it if ever we were to meet. You are beneath me, I can barely keep my eyes open. When will you please go away?

My response?

I love you. Don’t change. And more posts like the most recent one you just delivered on Have you read it? The best one in a LONG time. So much gold.

Like her Justin Timberlake style “Not”, right off the top.


She saves it though by showing off how tight she and Matt Damon are. Of course. As IF she eats all those carbs! And fried calamari!

Note too that she subtly drops in there that she has to buy “a friend” a “birthday present”. Obviously. Beyonce. Which she presented to her on the yacht. See? Somehow this information always comes out. What does a GOOP discount look like?

She really does have a gift for inserting famous people into her messages as often as possible, non? Another example - I just received an Oprah notification by email about Gwyneth Paltrow’s favourite books.

G opens by writing about how amazing she was in Emma and how suddenly she became a big deal. Then she goes on to say that Ethan Hawke loves her so much he took the time to give her a collection of books to read that would help her deal with becoming a big deal. It’s G up her own ass in the very best way ever. Click here to see.

And in other Gwyneth news, she will not be attending the Emmy Awards despite having been nominated for guest-starring on Glee. Her category is being presented this weekend at the Creative Arts Emmys. She says she doesn’t want to be away from her kids. (Source) Please. WHY would she go to a show that no one watches? IF she ends up winning though, she’ll make it to the primetime event on September 18. For sure. Because the guest actor Emmy winners always present at the main show. But first she has to convince the voters. How many friends does Gwyneth Paltrow have in the television academy? G’s dad produced St Elsewhere. People always accuse the Academy of being run by old guys. And they all probably came to her birthday parties.

Photos from