Tonight in London at the opening of Louis Vuitton Bond Street Maison, here’s my Gwyneth all classed up with a teardrop chest exposing a little naughty cleave. Love the ensemble, especially those shoes. SHOES! And of course this is Gwyneth Paltrow as they know her: stately, society, cold…and old? I know you rag on her all the time for being a mother and in her late 30s and wearing short snatch exposing dresses and high heels and it’s so inappropriate and nah nah nah, but there’s way to much makeup happening here. We are in divorcee territory with a gin and tonic on standby in the next room. I’d rather see half of her ass and a little more dew.

But have you seen Iron Man 2 yet? Admit it. She was good.

So did I miss the last two GOOPs when I was in Cannes?

I did.

And one of them was about Hair. My favourite subject. Hair and braids. I love braids. If I could I’d walk around with a side part braid every day and tousled waves. Keeps it off your face and my mother says I should expose my forehead. Fiona is an expert braider. She comes over once a week to make mine. And I try not to wash it for days. Now GOOP is giving you the fishtail tip. Must print. Click here to see. One in every five GOOPs is useful. Of course she followed that up with her spiritual sh-t. How do you help a friend in need…if you have the money?

I was staying with Duana when my mother was hospitalised with a mini-stroke two weeks ago. She didn’t console me by GOOPing me. What she did do was offer to sit with the Squawking Chicken in the stroke ward which is a special kind of torture that no sane person would ever want to take on. Another time when I was struggling to meet a deadline, she found me some papayas and left them in the fruitbowl on the counter. Gwyneth would ask if they were organic. Click here for more on how Gwyneth would be your friend.

Photos from and Samir Hussein/