My Gwyneth dragged her skinny sanctimonious little ass out in the rain last night to promote her new film Two Lovers at the London Film Festival again without Joaquin Phoenix who hasn’t been seen in ages and no one seems to want to talk about it. Oh it’s tingling alright. But since this happened it’s also sad smut... which is perhaps why Gwyneth has been shouldering the early promotional obligations, convenient this time because it was in her backyard.

As you can see, Gwynnie dressed for the weather and while some might prefer a more conventional red carpet choice – strapless, fitted, pretty, ruffles, blah blah bore – this isn’t exactly just a black sack. Note the leather strap that crosses diagonally in the front, and those leather cuffs. Those leather cuffs are badass! And G being G, of course she’s found the perfect grey polish. Been looking for ages.

Flats on a red carpet?!?! Can you imagine Posh’s bunions flat on a red carpet? Never! The horror!

Of course the GOOPster was asked about Madonna - her reply:

“She's a very dear friend. I support her in all the ways I can. I'm just here for her and on the other end of the phone. I speak to her a lot.”

Humanises Madonna a little, non? Even she needs to vent with a girlfriend. Or maybe not. Maybe the two of them just spend the entire time laughing at people for being fat. Totally.

And to answer the burning question on everyone’s mind: what does GOOP really stand for?

“Well GP are my initials and Goop is actually a family nickname.” Of course it is darling. Because GOOP evokes messes and spills and you, love, are quite obviously the exact opposite. Are you rolling your eyes?

Wait… one more coming…

What’s the GOOPy point? What’s she trying to tell you from her Oprah-borrowed pulpit? She claims she’s not trying to tell you anything:

“Oh I'm not qualified to give advice to anybody. It's just fun and I'm enjoying it.”

Mother of two has time to start a website dispensing style tips that consist of recommending that you buy a necklace from Chopard …

I’d enjoy that too.

Photos from Wenn.com and Flynetonline.com