It’s almost the end of January…and this is the first dedicated Gwyneth Paltrow post of the year, how is that possible?

Here’s G in LA yesterday, just after making headlines over how to treat your vagina. Last time, you’ll recall, goop was recommending vaginal steams, because you’ve always wanted to associate your vagina with dimsum. In 2017, G’s telling us to reward our cooters (I love it when Kate McKinnon says “cooter” on SNL) by stuffing them with jade eggs. For detox.

Have you ever had to detox your cooter? I had to get my cooter detoxed once because I forgot about a tampon. Judge me, it was a fun summer and I went to the water park, OK? The doctor did not prescribe a jade egg. As you can imagine, many doctors have come for Gwyneth about her jade egg, warning people how irresponsible it is and that there’s no medical reason for anyone to shove one up their hole.

The thing about G though is that she totally would have been expecting that kind of backlash, especially after the backlash that resulted when she recommended that we cook our pussies like they’re dumplings. And, well, her jade cooter eggs are now sold out. So how embarrassed is she, really, that the medical community is, again, calling her a stupid asshole? This is the kind of attention she wants.

On a less controversial note about jade – since childhood, I’ve worn a jade pendant, currently in the shape of Guin Yin, the goddess of mercy, around my neck night and day. My ma does too. Many Chinese women wear jade daily. When we were kids the adults used to tell us that the more you wear jade, the greener is gets. I believe this because the green of my jade has always gotten deeper the longer it’s with me. Probably bullsh-t and just my imagination. That said, it’s around my neck and not inserted into my cooch. Pretty sure that’s not a health risk, Gwyneth.

In other Gwyneth news, sounds like she might be getting ready for the Lunar New Year, Chinese styles? Goop just featured a decluttering article just ahead of the Year of the Rooster and it included a shot of her pantry:

I see chips! That’s all I see, frankly, because I haven’t had chips in weeks.