This is a serious, serious body.

Gwyneth Paltrow spent last week in Barbados. She was seen shooting a documentary around town but also spent a significant amount of time on the beach with her kids, showing off her Tracy Anderson Method in 4 different bikinis. Remember, she runs that business with Anderson now. So it’s a product on display. And she’s certainly the best person to market their programme. Which is probably why all the Nicole Richies and Jessica Simpsons are lining up for the same.

You think GOOP will pull a Mimi one day and start pimping this sh-t on Home Shopping Network? I just laughed to myself…

Anyway, take a few minutes to inspect every inch of her. I know you want to. I’ll be here, waiting. And I know your hate will compel at least a few of you to slag it somehow. I look forward to reading it in my inbox.

Ready for the rest of the story?

So Gwyneth’s out there getting papped almost every day on holiday in rainbow swimwear with the children, and yet the Daily Mail reports that it was a family trip and that Chris Martin came along for the ride too. The Daily Mail is spotty at best, yes I know, but assuming that they did hit it this time and that Martin was indeed present, curiously enough, at least in the dozens and dozens of photos I’ve pored over, I can’t seem to find him. What do you think that’s all about?

Note though on her left side, just above her bikini line – do you see that tattoo? It looks like a “C”.

Also… there was so much speculation about whether she’d had her tits lifted after her children. Please analyse, especially you Jacquie.

Oh and by the way – the reason I can’t post any more than these shots is because I can’t afford them. They’re exclusive to one agency and really, really, REALLY expensive.


You didn’t think GOOP came cheap in a bikini, did you?

G of course is probably here in LA now, rehearsing for the Oscars, where she will perform a song from Country Strong in front of her peers. Not gonna lie. I can’t wait for this. I can’t wait to see her up close on the carpet. I can’t wait to see her fitness in person. And I can’t wait too to see about the alleged pulling around the face you all seem so convinced about. I also really, really wish this was a year the Brange was attending – they’re not. Can you imagine how she’d manage up there with the Jolie staring up at her? F-ck. I suppose that’s asking for too much.

Photos from Splashnewsonline.com