Jesus, this is bad. Maybe even the worst.

Gwyneth was in Geneva yesterday at the Baume & Mercier Gala. She’s their new ambassador or something. I wonder if they regret their choice. Because on one of the first occasions she’s representing them, she looks like total f-cking ass.

Goddamn, what is happening to her face? It’s blotchy, it looks burned, it’s gaunt, her hair is lank, she seems tired…

Gwyneth is a lot of things, and she can look a lot of ways, but Gwyneth rarely, if ever, looks low classy.


Gwyneth looks low classy. Cheap. Gwyneth looks like she’s bringing down that high end dress.

Maybe it’s fatigue. She was in New York last week working on Saturday Night Live. Then, because she’s such a good mother, she probably flew to London immediately to see her children, and right off to Switzerland to pimp a watch. It’s a lot you know, for someone with that kind of schedule, who needs to make lists and sh-t.

Whatever’s wrong with G, it wasn’t evident when she was on SNL. She looked great on SNL. And she was good on SNL. It wasn’t the strongest episode of the season, but it definitely wasn’t the worst of the season* either which, I guess, is a sh-t vs diarrhoea excuse, and that would be on purpose. Because putting G in the “sh-t” column is just funny.

Having said that, there were a few winners. I liked the “Forget You” introduction. And while the Game Show sketch was very weak, I liked her socialite drawl as Titsy Titseyton, or whatever her name was. Rich people come up with the dumbest names and nicknames. G was, in that routine, who we think she is. The kind of girl who knows where to go for the best crème fraiche and doesn’t understand why anyone else would want crème fraiche from anywhere else. Previews during Shakespeare wasn’t bad either.

But of course…

She kept singing. Of course she did. I half expected her to sing with Cee-Lo. She SINGS. Have you heard? And she also showed off her Spanish. Her very fluent Spanish. With the accent and everything. Just in case you forgot, you know? That G’s practically Spanish and half English and totally down with Nashville too.

It’s too much being so much. The effect of which, clearly, is all over her face. But Christ I can’t stop staring at it. I can’t stop staring at how f-cked up it is.

*DeNiro was bad. And Emma Stone’s episode was terrible, though not her fault.

Photos from and The Image Gate/