This is Gwyneth Paltrow in Vanity Fair’s jewellery calendar as Miss August wearing nothing but fishnets and a lot of ice. By Louis Vuitton. As you can see, G’s body is kickin’. And, as you can see, even when she’s totally naked, and wearing what could be construed as skanky hosiery, G makes it look all class... and this mostly works in her favour, except when she’s playing a down and out country singer who gets let out of rehab too soon. I still have not seen that. I would RATHER see Transformers 3 than that movie. And it hurts me to admit it.

Today is Thursday. Which means it’s GOOP Day. The theme of this week’s newsletter is Stress. G apparently has some experience with it and wants to help you cope with yours. Amazingly she does NOT recommend going to a “hippie style silent retreat”. I live in Vancouver, the world capital of tree hugging and spirituality. Believe me, these happen more often than you know. Once I was asked if I wanted to check out a chanting retreat. I can’t sit through the “quiet time” portion of a yoga class – this is why I don’t go to yoga – so the thought of beating on a drum and shouting jibberish in sweats ... it makes me uncomfortable.

I know you are surprised that GP wouldn’t be into it. After all, it’s kinda the next step after an all kale diet. Having said that, there’s like a phantom story that keeps going around about how nice and cool and fun and friendly and not that up her own ass she is from anyone who has ever met her. For real. I have several sources who, while they acknowledge that her public persona is insufferable, insist that they – with the exception of her husband’s shenanigans – only hear great things about Gwyneth Paltrow: polite, kind, professional, great sense of humour....

At this point it’s like the Loch Ness Monster. And if it does actually exist, why does she have such a hard time showing it?

Click here for the new GOOP.