GOOPer attended the Two Lovers premiere in New York.

I can hear you – you hate them! They’re so hideous!

Sigh. Not even my G can make a high waist attractive. At the same time, at least it’s not a little black dress. And this is what she’s after.

Because even though you think Gwyneth Paltrow’s ensemble looks sh-tty, the fashion people probably don’t. The fashion people probably think it’s very chic – a look not for the masses but for the privileged few. Those are Gwyneth’s favourite words: the privileged few.

And remember, as we discovered the other day, GOOP is not an attempt to ingratiate herself to you, it’s her divine responsibility to EDUCATE you, to guide you, to enrich your life…

So if you don’t get her shorts, it’s not because they’re ugly, it’s because you haven’t been enlightened yet.

And her blazers these days are killing me.

As for the latest issue of GOOP – it’s a recipe featuring oysters. Whatever. I’m bored already.

But the best part is her opening paragraph, reprinted below exactly as she intended it:

“This menu was as fun to come up with as it is to eat. They say oysters are an aphrodisiac but as shucking a raw one can be lethal, I steam mine just until they open and I can easily pry off the shell. They are easy to prepare and look very impressive on the table. The poussins (Cornish hens) require very little by way of preparation. The artichoke makes a great side and the heart is the best part. The molten chocolate cakes are also quick and very sexy, oozing with chocolate on the plate. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Note the italicised words…

WTF?

Clearly the MiniVan Majority isn’t familiar with arousal substances, has never cooked with artichokes, and needs to be introduced to the sex appeal of dessert.

Click here for GOOP’s Valentine’s Day meal plan.

Photos from Wenn.com and Splashnewsonline.com