Last week it was detox, this week, Gwyneth wants to work out with you. Because after starving yourself through a detox session, it’s time to tone and tighten.

So I’m 35. After my birthday I decided I’d try working out like a fiend for a while because I’m a vain bitch. Working out like a fiend sucks every kind of balls ever. It sucks the 2 hours before when you’re dreading it, it sucks during, it sucks the next day when your ass is burning, it sucks the next afternoon when you have to do it all over again. 6 days a week like so:

Monday: swim or run 45 minutes (weather dependent)
Tuesday: work out 1 hour (strength)
Wednesday: swim 30 minutes
Thursday: work out 1 hour (endurance)
Friday: snowshoeing 2 hours
Saturday: work out 90 minutes (cardio/strength/endurance/ugh)
Sunday: rest
Every day: F-ck! Hate!

So I can now run faster, longer, lift more, jump higher, have more endurance, but I don’t look like GOOP. Because I won’t give up food and I have a job. Which means I can’t lock myself in my own studio for 2 to 3 hours a day without worrying about the bills.

GOOPy on the other hand, well she wanted to get rid of what she calls “my saddlebags and post-pregnancy Shar-Pei-like stomach”. And since working out with her trainer Tracy Anderson she now has the body she’s always wanted.

And so can you!

If you spend money!

The latest GOOP newsletter features a personal video from shady Tracy showing off a series of leg exercises that yield best results AFTER using Tracy’s dance aerobic videos and something else I can’t remember I wasn’t listening hard enough. And I did not watch the whole thing. Because I was too busy laughing at the gush. Tracy gushing over G’s cooking. G can cook a duck! Of course she can cook a duck! She can cook a duck while reading to her kids in Spanish and doing crunches and redesigning Stella McCartney’s guest bathroom – can’t you???

Seriously, just sit through the first minute. It will make your life.

Am attaching photo of Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars in 2007, less than a year after Moses was born, when she was supposedly dragging around those saddlebags and the shar pei rolls.

Click here for the GOOPy workout.

Photo from