Writing “ribs & breasts” just made me hungry. Have been eating clean for days. God I would love a rib. Just one rib.

Gwyneth Paltrow gave us ribs last night at the Met Gala with a serving of side breast. I don’t actually mind the side breast. That’s G, you know? G can flaunt a side breast without looking cheap. I mean, you might not like what she’s wearing but you still wouldn’t characterise it as inexpensive. Gwyneth looks expensive all the time. Expensive ribs, expensive breasts.

And what of her Prada dress? I like it from the back and the side a lot more than I do from the front. It’s actually flattering from the side and the back, even with the mulleting. The front is a problem, again, because of the shine. There were many worse examples elsewhere at the event last night but not even super toned Gwyneth can escape the light hitting a certain area of the fabric and calling attention to an unsightly imaginary lump.

I do like her hair pulled back rather than left down and straight-ironed. Agree or disagree? Also, she’s wearing my favourite earrings of the night. You will note that both of G’s BFFs Cameron Diaz and Beyonce came out worse off than she did. We need to mic her when they’re all getting ready together. What, exactly, goes on in that dressing room?