In some circles, this man is known as a heartthrob. A loin wizard. A headboard banger. A quiver master.

Him?

Cristiano Ronaldo, Manchester United, seen here yesterday in Cheshire.

Like, I get it. Things are different in Euro. More fashion forward and also more open to cheese. I get it. But this dude... I’m not down with the fact that his lips are unnaturally the same colour as his face. Ew.

And he’s wearing ass sculptor jeans. They’re pulled up to his tits. Not saying they should be worn like Lil Wayne but these ... these may as well be leggings. And they need to be longer. And his gait is ten kinds of dorky. And his clothes... like, do you know who wears these clothes? Dudes like Adnan Ghalib, that’s who wears these clothes. And he looks like he enjoys making love to himself. And I’m supposed to want to sexytime with him?

Really?

Help me understand.

Photos from Splashnewsonline.com