I am not The One. I will not be going on a date with Idris Elba. Instead, the winner of the date with Idris Elba is Sandra Boonton from New Jersey. And she’s pretty f-cking cute, so I’m happy for her…I guess. Congratulations Sandra. Please pound the sh-t out of Idris’s yams.

In other Idris news, he DJed on Friday night in LA and then the next day was right back at work on the set of The Dark Tower, photographed eating a hotdog. I have a lot of thoughts about this – and quit your perving, I legitimately want to talk about the hotdog, the food.

Can you eat a hotdog standing up? The only way I could eat a hotdog standing up is if the hotdog was on the horizontal. I could never, ever eat a hotdog on the vertical! All the toppings would slide down.

And I’m one of those people, I need a hotdog with SO MANY toppings. At the bare minimum ketchup, mustard, relish. Gross chemical liquid cheese, if it’s around? Yes please. Fried onions? OMG of course.  And hot peppers. Definitely hot peppers. If you turned my hotdog on the vertical, those ingredients wouldn’t stay nicely nestled around the wiener for the perfect bite. This is especially important because Idris isn’t eating a bratwurst or kielbasa. High quality sausages, off the grill, I get it, they don’t need much adornment. I like an authentic Polish pickle on the side. Maybe some horseradish or mustard but it’s perfectly fine on its own. The wieners that come in packages of 8, however, (which is what Idris is eating) are usually so f-cking salty, you need all the bells and whistles to balance out the flavour. And it looks like he’s eating his pretty plain. I’m going to assume here it’s because he didn’t have a lot of time? Maybe he just needed to rush down a quick snack? I would have been willing to decorate his hotdog for him though. And hold it sideways while he ate it.