Dear Gossips,

Angelina Jolie has the chicken pox. There’s an outbreak of the mumps in the NHL. It’s like an ad campaign for vaccinations. When sh-t like that happens, my first reaction, naturally, being an only child, narcissistic and self-involved, I think of myself.

Called my parents last night. They don’t remember me getting the chicken pox. F-ck me, I’ve never had chicken pox. Dad then sent over my immunisation records. I’ve had the shot for whooping cough, diphtheria, tetanus, polio, and measles. Also there’s a big ass scar on my arm that’s supposed to be for smallpox, I think? But I’m not sure about mumps. And definitely, at my age, there was no shot for chicken pox. Duana doesn’t think I would have been allowed to go to school if I hadn’t had the one for mumps and rubella.

But basically, I never want to go outside ever again. And I’m around people every day at work. I shake hands with people every day at work! Even though I’m already Purell-ing my ass every five minutes, I spent over an hour last night texting all my friends with young children about whether or not their kids have been vaccinated for chicken pox. Is that rude? I don’t want their children to give me chicken pox. I’ve been phantom-itching all weekend. This is affecting my productivity. Last night I seriously considered going to the emergency room to get the shot. But then my friend Lorella told me they probably don’t stock it in the ER and yelled at me for being crazy. Duana told me to “f-ck off”. I need to go get vaccinated for chicken pox. In the meantime, please, if you’re out there, don’t give me chicken pox.

Yours in gossip,