Dear Gossips,

Chinese New Year is January 31st! You ready?

Fridge should we well stocked. Feasting is good. Gathering with friends and family all week is good too. Clean on Thursday – don’t forget the car – and wash your hair on Thursday night, wear a new set of pyjamas to bed (if you can), make sure the sheets are fresh, and then try not to do much cleaning at least over the weekend. I’ll remind you again on Thursday.

It’ll be the Year of the Horse. By tradition on this blog, my ma, the Chinese Squawking Chicken, has a few suggestions. If you are a Horse (click here to check your sign), it’ll be a regular year of ups and down. Won’t be the worst ever but it also won’t be the best ever, so you still need to be careful and stay steady.

Horses are not compatible with Rats. So the Squawking Chicken’s main concern is for you Rats. My father is a Rat. Rats need to be very, very cautious during the Year of the Horse. Rats could be accident prone. Injuries are a possibility. You need to be especially vigilant between June 6 and July 6, 2014 and between December 7, 2014 and January 5, 2015. After February 4, 2014 you might want to hit up the doctor, have your blood checked. Not because the doctor might find something but because it’s a way to sidestep a sh-ttier alternative. Like, if you lose blood voluntarily to get your cholesterol levels, it’s better than losing blood in a way that you can’t control yourself, right?

It’s important to remember that feng shui operates on a cycle and that good luck can be cultivated. In simple terms, you can’t ride a high forever. Lows are inevitable. For Rats, you’re coming up on a low period and, yes, that sucks. But luck has a way of rewarding you by how you manage your lows. Keep your head down, don’t fight it, save your aggression and your push for another year, and when it’s go time, you’ll have harnessed the reserves necessary to seize your luck when the time is right. It’s OK that this year is not your big year. It’s unrealistic to expect that we will only have big years. See it as a test. If you pass this test, the test of the Horse, you will get yours and it’ll be so f-cking good.

Here’s another tip: hang out with Tigers. Tigers to Horses are like Leonardo DiCaprio to Jonah Hill, 2X Oscar nominee and friend of Marty, Leo, and Brange. (Leo actually IS a Tiger, by the way.) Tigers therefore can protect Rats. My ma, the Squawking Chicken, happens to be a Tiger. The last time the Year of the Horse came around, my dad, a Rat, was in deep sh-t and ma bailed him out several times, including once when she saved him from a serious car accident. True story.

So the Squawking Chicken Tiger has selected 10 charms to be given away to 10 Rats during the Year of the Horse. Put the charm in the car or if you don’t drive, attach it to your phone or your wallet. If you are a Rat or if you know a Rat and you would like a charm, please email [email protected] with RAT CHARM as the subject by Thursday, January 30 at 3pm ET. 

Oh and wear bright colours the rest of the week, especially on Friday. The New Year LOVES red!

Yours in gossip,