Dear Gossips,

I had every intention of watching Miley’s MTV Unplugged last night. But I missed it. You know why?


He came home to Toronto and turned himself into police and our freezing city almost melted down. JB hijacked everyone’s night. And our morning. So my Chinese New Year wish for him is to let us enjoy one weekend, the Chinese New Year weekend, without a DUI arrest, without fighting, without prostitutes, without peeing in a bucket in a restaurant, without egging a neighbour’s house, drag racing, smoking out hotel rooms – just stay like this for a few days: asleep with your little brother. Let our streets be safe.

This photo, by the way, was posted this morning by his father Jeremy Bieber on Twitter.

Remember, wash your hair tonight and not tomorrow. Get rid of all the trash. Don’t leave old, used sh-t lying around, especially around the front door. Good luck won’t come for a new year visit if your house is a mess. And good luck will be swept away if you clean up right after it arrives. Change your sheets tonight. And new pyjamas if you can. At least freshly laundered if you can’t. The Horse is almost here!

Yours in gossip,